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Old 09-05-2015, 04:50 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,801 times
Reputation: 46

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Spying: To watch or observe secretly. The webcam is not a secret. He knows it's there. I've had the thing for a year.

Taco Bell was only significant because it was proof that people were there. The very people he were denying being there. I don't have a right to know that people were inside my house, one of whom I have NO idea who it is and my son having only met once? Why is that ok? Had I known or has he asked, then fine… have a couple guys over. That is not how this played and all you guys can say is "why are you 'spying' on your son??" He totally gaslights and I'm horrible for having looked in the trashcan? At least I know what I heard is correct and that I'm not crazy like he would have me believe.
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Old 09-05-2015, 04:55 PM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
36,593 posts, read 47,285,012 times
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Guess this isn't spooling out the way you thought it would.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:03 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,801 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
"He was reachable by phone at 8PM"

"the camera is disconnected"

"I have him on FaceTime"


I've only raised 4 kids (3 college graduates and an electrician apprentice) so you'll discount my opinion, but you may be monitoring a wee bit much. If you can't leave a 16 year old alone for a fairly short period of time, even overnight, then you have more issues than just last night.

We used to have parents drop their high school age kids off at school even when school was closed because they didn't trust them at home.
For the most part I do trust him at home. He stays home alone a fair amount, just not all night very often, so forgive me if I'm not super comfortable with it just yet. Seems to me that is something that is worked up to… you leave them for the first time and you check in a bunch of times (probably too many) but if everything goes fine then you feel a little better about it the next time.

Just to clarify, I had only texted him a few times, NOT called or Facetimed until the camera stopped working. OOPS, guess that was overboard according to you guys. The camera stops working out of the blue and I shouldn't try to find out why. It was just make sure everything was still ok and via FaceTime, have him try a couple things with the camera. I believed him about the power outage, end of story and then the webcam wakes me up in the middle of the night because he had plugged it back in for whatever reason.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:04 PM
 
13,752 posts, read 22,642,637 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Wow now there is an assumption. I don't have a webcam to be spying on him 24/7. Spying kinda insinuates that he doesn't know about it. I can't "spy" on him when he knows it's there, but thanks for that.

I have a webcam because I worry about my house when WE are gone. I like to be able to check in, I like to be able to notified of any unexpected activity, I like to be able to check on my dog, etc. It's not just because of him. Is there something wrong with having a webcam in my front room?

I looked in the trash and saw the taco bell bag right on top, so i didn't actually dig through it. Has he done terrible things? Maybe not terrible, but sneaky… yes. Last thing was him staying home "sick" from school and smoking pot (which I found by looking in the trash).

Yeah we have communication issues, this is true. He acts very entitled and frankly, a little narcissistic, and I'm struggling with it. He wants what he wants when he wants it and anything less can so easily turn into a fight or sulking.

Do you have kids? I'm betting not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I can't really think clearly because I am so angry. Last night I allowed my 16 year old to stay home alone overnight.. it was perhaps the 3rd time I have allowed this. I do have a wifi webcam that records 24/7 - I can check it from my phone, and this makes me feel far more comfortable.

So I leave him at 8pm. He's reachable by phone and all is good until about 11pm when suddenly the webcam shows as "disconnected". I immediately call him and he answers. He claims the power went out and therefore the wifi as well. The camera is not reconnecting - I now have him on FaceTime and I can see he is actually plugging and unplugging it and it's not turning back on. I'm at this point thinking that the power outage may have messed up the camera. I have him unplug the camera because it's making a whining noise from the power block. Done. He continues to be reachable throughout the night.

Fast forward to 2:45am. The camera program on my phone wakes me up to inform me of activity in the front room. I pull up the footage and I can see segments of my son walking around in the front room looking for something. I hear other guys voices - not a TV - after I replay it a couple times I can hear him (or them?) saying "the last place they saw it was in the bathroom" followed by my son telling someone to call it again. I called him up and asked him who he was talking to and he played dumb…. totally DUMB, like he didn't know what I was talking about and maybe he was just talking to himself. Really??? I told him to be honest - I told him I heard voices, 1 or 2... I asked him if it was his cousin who seemed the most likely person. He denied everything, even got a little indignant actually. He was bent out of shame about me questioning him & being suspicious. He sarcastically said "ok mom, yeah theres 3 people here, maybe even 4… or 5! Yeah.." He griped about me "spying on him" via my webcam. I asked him why he even was messing with it at all when I had already told him earlier to unplug it. He claims he was trying to make me feel more comfortable so he was trying to get it to work. (Huh?! Even though he feels I "spy" on him??) I told him I would play him the video in the morning.

I arrive back home and immediately start my investigating. I look in the outside garbage can and find a Taco Bell bag with a receipt from the night before, stamped at 11:05pm. Inside I find other incriminating evidence (the TV pulled out, an Xbox that is NEVER played having been connected to our router, more Taco Bell cups in the recycle bin inside). I took my sons phone (he was still asleep) and looked though it for some correspondence, but found nothing. I ask my him if he has decided to be honest. He says he doesn't know what I am talking about. I told him I have his cell and let him think about that for a few - and finally he comes out with it.

He claims that it was his cousin (my ex's nephew) and his cousins friend. So 2 people like I'd heard. He claims he just wanted to hang out with them and he "knew" I would say NO. He never even gave me the chance to say no, and I probably would have been ok with it, particularly if the camera wasn't only sporadically working (which btw he claims really did go out on its own). The curious thing is why he plugged it back in at all. THAT I don't get. He actually got himself caught.

What pisses me off for than anything is his lies and how indignant he was, how he gaslighted me even though I knew what I'd heard. It pisses me off that he didn't even give me the opportunity to say no - and for that matter, why didn't he just ask me and then go ahead and have them over anyway if I said no?? I mean, he knows he's not supposed to just have people over like that, so why not at least try to do the right thing first and THEN go ahead and be sneaky? I don't get it.

So I STILL have his phone. He is trying to claim that he learned his lesson, that he does't need a consequence. Of course. He's the only person I know that would learn without ANY consequence. Right. He wants his phone back before he leased for work at 2:30. I feel like I need to keep it for a while because he schemed on it and he screwed up. I am debating disconnecting his computer as well. I am just angry and probably reacting to that. What would you guys do? It's not the end of the world that they were here but it's extremely disappointing the way he handled himself.
You said it. And now you've scrolled through his phone. Congratulations, your son now knows he is entitled to no privacy in your world.

If nothing was wildly amiss in the house, then the kids did handle themselves well. I could understand if you returned home to beer cans all over the place, and evidence of drug use, but you didn't. You have a GOOD one, stop making him out to be otherwise.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:04 PM
 
Location: Fayetteville NC
6,130 posts, read 6,018,794 times
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I'm a little confused.

Okay, he felt you were checking up on him, so he felt a need to lie. You planted the idea of the cousin being 'acceptable', so I'm betting he ran with that. Have you asked the cousin?

Do you have rules about when he can go out and who he could go with? Is he not allowed to go to Taco Bell at 11pm? Is he not allowed to have friends over when you are not there? Why else would he unplug the webcam?

I think you need to start fresh, negotiate some expectations you can both agree on, then define consequences.

My kids are 15 and 18. My oldest would have asked about having a friend/sleepover, and I would have said yes (within reason). I did have to draw the line on sleepovers on schoolnights because I have to work the next day.

If you don't trust your son to stay home alone, don't let him...until you trust him.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:05 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,801 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
Guess this isn't spooling out the way you thought it would.
Not exactly. I feel like I posted on a forum where all the teenagers hang out.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:05 PM
 
1,058 posts, read 1,950,192 times
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Did you discuss with your son what he could and couldn't do while you were gone? Leaving him overnight IMO would have garnered some liberties that perhaps were not the norm. Friends over or a trip to get a snack etc.

My DD 17, knows there are certain kids that can be here anytime, no questions asked. If I were to leave her overnight which I would not hesitate to do, I would have laid out the rules ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page and there is no need to call, text, face time and webcam every few minutes.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:22 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,801 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
I'm a little confused.

Okay, he felt you were checking up on him, so he felt a need to lie. You planted the idea of the cousin being 'acceptable', so I'm betting he ran with that. Have you asked the cousin?

Do you have rules about when he can go out and who he could go with? Is he not allowed to go to Taco Bell at 11pm? Is he not allowed to have friends over when you are not there? Why else would he unplug the webcam?

I think you need to start fresh, negotiate some expectations you can both agree on, then define consequences.

My kids are 15 and 18. My oldest would have asked about having a friend/sleepover, and I would have said yes (within reason). I did have to draw the line on sleepovers on schoolnights because I have to work the next day.

If you don't trust your son to stay home alone, don't let him...until you trust him.
No I haven't because he really doesn't want me to. He doesn't want his cousin to get in trouble (probably for not updating HIS mom of his whereabouts since he was supposedly staying the night at the other friends house).. although me calling his cousin doesn't automatically mean he is going to be in trouble, so I'm not sure what exactly he is worried about.

Yes I have rules. He cannot have girls over when he is there alone (but I would make an exception for a mixed group, say a homework project for example). It just depends on the circumstances. He could have friends over but needs to ask first so I know what's going on. Certain friends I trust more than others - those ones I would be ok staying overnight as long as I know about it and as long as he remains reachable.

I wouldn't have cared (destination dependent of course) if he went out with his cousin but I need to KNOW ABOUT IT. I would not have cared if he went to Taco Bell at all, just tell me about the plan. That a reasonable expectation IMO.

He would have been allowed to have them over had he asked, but what it boils down to is maybe his cousin wouldn't have been allowed by his mom. He said he figured I would call his cousins mom to confirm it was ok (and I might have) and that she probably wouldn't have allowed him. Not sure why he thinks that, but anyway he seems to have decided to just do it and not ask.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:25 PM
 
13,752 posts, read 22,642,637 times
Reputation: 38417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Not exactly. I feel like I posted on a forum where all the teenagers hang out.
Not a chance. We raised 3 teenage boys ourselves, who are now in their 20s. We trusted them to handle themselves for up to 10 days at a time while we traveled out of the country, after setting up contingency plans for emergencies. My parents did the same thing. Neither generation had any way of checking up unless a police report had been filed(never was).
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Texas
2,706 posts, read 1,796,238 times
Reputation: 8722
We reared three teen boys that had many friends and the one thing that I've learned is that they all lie or are hiding something. It's how you handle the situation that is important. For all the perfect parents with perfect children, you head is in the sand.
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