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Old 09-05-2015, 05:32 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,680,021 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Not exactly. I feel like I posted on a forum where all the teenagers hang out.
Sorry... I am a parent of a 20 year old college student. Many of the people here have raised successful children through the teen years....but you don't seem to want to listen to what people are saying but just want to discount their insight because it doesn't agree with what you want to hear.

You are raising your teen not to trust you by over the top snooping and reactions...if you want your teen to not understand how to behave when alone and be secrective to the extreme...if that is what you want...stay your course....you are doing fine.

Other than that....wow...you need to figure out acceptable and age appropriate rules for your teen....not treat him like a felon.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:40 PM
 
13,746 posts, read 22,606,835 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txfriend View Post
We reared three teen boys that had many friends and the one thing that I've learned is that they all lie or are hiding something. It's how you handle the situation that is important. For all the perfect parents with perfect children, you head is in the sand.
I don't think anybody expects their kids to be perfect. Were you?
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:43 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,680,021 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txfriend View Post
We reared three teen boys that had many friends and the one thing that I've learned is that they all lie or are hiding something. It's how you handle the situation that is important. For all the perfect parents with perfect children, you head is in the sand.
No one is saying kids are perfect.....but as you said how you handle things is very important...all this father did was teach his son that his father overreacts over little things....so don't trust him with anything serious.

Teenagers often raise to the expectations parents set....and all this parent did was give him the expectation that he has to be sneaky.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:44 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,682 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamacatnv View Post
Did you discuss with your son what he could and couldn't do while you were gone? Leaving him overnight IMO would have garnered some liberties that perhaps were not the norm. Friends over or a trip to get a snack etc.

My DD 17, knows there are certain kids that can be here anytime, no questions asked. If I were to leave her overnight which I would not hesitate to do, I would have laid out the rules ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page and there is no need to call, text, face time and webcam every few minutes.
Yes I have discussed with him what he can and can't do, and last night specifically I asked what he was going to do. Earlier that day he had talked about going to the high school football game so I had planned to drop him off there before leaving. Turns out he wasn't going to go after all - he says he was going to just play on his computer. Clearly we need to go over some things, especially if he doesn't even want to ask me because he "knows" I'll say no. Personally I think that's just an excuse, but I'll use it as a reason to clarify some things.

Yes I agree that being home alone does garner some extra liberties. He pretty much runs the house and does what he wants, including staying up half the night (or all night) on his phone or computer. He can take over the front room TV area, watch whatever he wants, eat whatever he wants, etc… nobody there to say otherwise. I'm good with some other suggestions or ideas of his, as long as he communicates them with me so I can give my input.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:48 PM
 
10,194 posts, read 8,001,241 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Wow now there is an assumption. I don't have a webcam to be spying on him 24/7. Spying kinda insinuates that he doesn't know about it. I can't "spy" on him when he knows it's there, but thanks for that.

I have a webcam because I worry about my house when WE are gone. I like to be able to check in, I like to be able to notified of any unexpected activity, I like to be able to check on my dog, etc. It's not just because of him. Is there something wrong with having a webcam in my front room?

I looked in the trash and saw the taco bell bag right on top, so i didn't actually dig through it. Has he done terrible things? Maybe not terrible, but sneaky… yes. Last thing was him staying home "sick" from school and smoking pot (which I found by looking in the trash).

Yeah we have communication issues, this is true. He acts very entitled and frankly, a little narcissistic, and I'm struggling with it. He wants what he wants when he wants it and anything less can so easily turn into a fight or sulking.

Do you have kids? I'm betting not.
Not only do I have kids, I have raised 3 teens. I think you really are over stepping, dealing with an average teen in a way over board way. No wonder he sneaks, you are breathing down his neck.

I would get into therapy to help you...hell, I did it when my kids were teens. Worth every penny not to go insane. Teens are narcissistic and sneaky.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:53 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,680,021 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Clearly we need to go over some things, especially if he doesn't even want to ask me because he "knows" I'll say no. Personally I think that's just an excuse, but I'll use it as a reason to clarify some things.
put.
It's not an excuse...you've set up that expectation for him.....you don't get to blame him for responding like that.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:53 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,682 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txfriend View Post
We reared three teen boys that had many friends and the one thing that I've learned is that they all lie or are hiding something. It's how you handle the situation that is important. For all the perfect parents with perfect children, you head is in the sand.
I don't expect perfection, nor am I perfect. Where in any of my posts were you able to extract that from?? What I DO expect is not to have smoke blown up my a$$ to when I already know something is going on. I'm not big on gas lighting and I don't appreciate the overnight stress he inflicted just so he didn't have to admit to having guests. I do expect him to behave responsibly since he wants the freedom and independence to stay alone.
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Old 09-05-2015, 05:58 PM
 
10,194 posts, read 8,001,241 times
Reputation: 24040
Ok....so my gut tells me there is something more going on here. You are using terms people might know from therapy (or at least online therapy boards). Very defensive and not taking any thoughts from people who HAVE BTDT. Is there something else going on? Does he remind you of someone you can't trust? How were your teen years? Do you have a history of being emotionally abused?

Of course you don't need to answer these here...they are for you to think of. Because there is a lot of people here who are saying the same thing and you aren't hearing us at all.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:06 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,682 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Sorry... I am a parent of a 20 year old college student. Many of the people here have raised successful children through the teen years....but you don't seem to want to listen to what people are saying but just want to discount their insight because it doesn't agree with what you want to hear.

You are raising your teen not to trust you by over the top snooping and reactions...if you want your teen to not understand how to behave when alone and be secrective to the extreme...if that is what you want...stay your course....you are doing fine.

Other than that....wow...you need to figure out acceptable and age appropriate rules for your teen....not treat him like a felon.
Yeah I am discounting all of you who keep saying I am spying on him via webcam. Maybe my reaction to last night is over that top… THOSE opinions I'll consider. I probably did over react some, maybe I didn't need to take all the steps I took. Maybe that was too much, however it was based on his lying and the overall weirdness of the way last night played out. I guess you all think I should have just said "oh, he's a teenager.. they do that. I'm sure he just had a friend or 2 over, no big deal. I'll probably find out who they were later, and no matter that I don't even know 1 of them. I'm sure he's a good kid."
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:17 PM
 
13,746 posts, read 22,606,835 times
Reputation: 38387
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Yeah I am discounting all of you who keep saying I am spying on him via webcam. Maybe my reaction to last night is over that top… THOSE opinions I'll consider. I probably did over react some, maybe I didn't need to take all the steps I took. Maybe that was too much, however it was based on his lying and the overall weirdness of the way last night played out. I guess you all think I should have just said "oh, he's a teenager.. they do that. I'm sure he just had a friend or 2 over, no big deal. I'll probably find out who they were later, and no matter that I don't even know 1 of them. I'm sure he's a good kid."
Teens lie when they have reason to believe they can't be honest. When they have come to expect an over-reaction. When they disagree with unreasonable restrictions.

Lots of people have webcams. I don't know anybody who reviews the footage to see what their teens have been up to in their absence, just because the technology exists.
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