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Old 09-05-2015, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Texas
2,707 posts, read 1,796,843 times
Reputation: 8722

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I don't expect perfection, nor am I perfect. Where in any of my posts were you able to extract that from?? What I DO expect is not to have smoke blown up my a$$ to when I already know something is going on. I'm not big on gas lighting and I don't appreciate the overnight stress he inflicted just so he didn't have to admit to having guests. I do expect him to behave responsibly since he wants the freedom and independence to stay alone.
Read again, this was not directed at you.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:23 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,817 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
Ok....so my gut tells me there is something more going on here. You are using terms people might know from therapy (or at least online therapy boards). Very defensive and not taking any thoughts from people who HAVE BTDT. Is there something else going on? Does he remind you of someone you can't trust? How were your teen years? Do you have a history of being emotionally abused?

Of course you don't need to answer these here...they are for you to think of. Because there is a lot of people here who are saying the same thing and you aren't hearing us at all.
You know, I've given one scenario and many of you are addressing me as if this ONE scenario dictates our lives day in and day out. THIS situation isn't even what my son and I argue about. It just happens to be this time. I feel like a have to be defensive because many of you have gone on the attack: I'm a spy - how dare I; I am too intrusive; way to go - I'm setting him up to never trust me, move out at 18 and never talk to me again. Again, it's one scenario.

I am taking in thoughts from people who have BTDT, but selectively because I don't agree with all of you. Some of you are really harsh and frankly, pretty judgmental considering you only have this thread to work off of. When you come across like that right outta the gate, that kinda sets the tone.

Thank you to those of you who have given some insight into what has worked for you. I do appreciate that and know that I have areas to work on.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:26 PM
 
10,194 posts, read 8,024,026 times
Reputation: 24051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
You know, I've given one scenario and many of you are addressing me as if this ONE scenario dictates our lives day in and day out. THIS situation isn't even what my son and I argue about. It just happens to be this time. I feel like a have to be defensive because many of you have gone on the attack: I'm a spy - how dare I; I am too intrusive; way to go - I'm setting him up to never trust me, move out at 18 and never talk to me again. Again, it's one scenario.

I am taking in thoughts from people who have BTDT, but selectively because I don't agree with all of you. Some of you are really harsh and frankly, pretty judgmental considering you only have this thread to work off of. When you come across like that right outta the gate, that kinda sets the tone.

Thank you to those of you who have given some insight into what has worked for you. I do appreciate that and know that I have areas to work on.
Well...if its working for you...
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:27 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,448 posts, read 23,187,475 times
Reputation: 27691
Not only does you teen need to be mature enough to be left home alone overnight, you have to be mature enough to leave him home alone. This thread suggests that you're not at this point yet.

What were you doing while you were out all night? Probably something that you enjoyed, since if you were traveling for work you probably would have mentioned that. So you were out having fun, and you're getting upset that your kid had his cousins over and played video games and ate Taco Bell? That's an overreaction. And yes, you keep saying that it's mostly about him not telling you about it that's the problem, but your overreaction suggests a history of such overreactions on your part, which is probably why he's not comfortable telling you the truth when you ask.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:31 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,817 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Teens lie when they have reason to believe they can't be honest. When they have come to expect an over-reaction. When they disagree with unreasonable restrictions.

Lots of people have webcams. I don't know anybody who reviews the footage to see what their teens have been up to in their absence, just because the technology exists.
I only reviewed the footage because a camera that was supposed to be disconnected was suddenly alerting my phone in the middle of the night. Generally I just glance in from time to time, and I can't see what he's doing in my absence simply because I have a webcam……… it's not in his room guys. It's in the living room.

Yes I agree with you that teens lie for the reasons you listed above. In this particular case I think he thought I would say no, simple as that. Doesn't mean I would have though, nor does it mean he was justified in thinking so. Sometimes teenagers thought processes aren't particularly logical.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:33 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,817 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
Not only does you teen need to be mature enough to be left home alone overnight, you have to be mature enough to leave him home alone. This thread suggests that you're not at this point yet.

What were you doing while you were out all night? Probably something that you enjoyed, since if you were traveling for work you probably would have mentioned that. So you were out having fun, and you're getting upset that your kid had his cousins over and played video games and ate Taco Bell? That's an overreaction. And yes, you keep saying that it's mostly about him not telling you about it that's the problem, but your overreaction suggests a history of such overreactions on your part, which is probably why he's not comfortable telling you the truth when you ask.
Exactly how does my reaction to this suggest a history of overreactions??
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:35 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,817 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by txfriend View Post
Read again, this was not directed at you.
Ah yes, you're right, thank you.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:38 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,693,941 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I only reviewed the footage because a camera that was supposed to be disconnected was suddenly alerting my phone in the middle of the night. Generally I just glance in from time to time, and I can't see what he's doing in my absence simply because I have a webcam……… it's not in his room guys. It's in the living room.

Yes I agree with you that teens lie for the reasons you listed above. In this particular case I think he thought I would say no, simple as that. Doesn't mean I would have though, nor does it mean he was justified in thinking so. Sometimes teenagers thought processes aren't particularly logical.
Really now? You think that no one else has ever realized that their teens can be illogical before?

That is part of being a teenager....and it's up to parents that actually want to help their teens grow into adulthood to meet a teenager where they are at and work from there....not be so offended over everything.

You teen is coming right out and saying to you that he doesn't trust you to be a reasonable adult...and all we've seen you do is try to turn it around and say your son is wrong. He's not wrong....he doesn't trust you anymore than you trust him. He's being honest about that and you are still dismissing him.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:40 PM
 
10,194 posts, read 8,024,026 times
Reputation: 24051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Exactly how does my reaction to this suggest a history of overreactions??
Because every step of the way on this, from checking on him all night to digging in the trash to scrolling in his phone to coming here asking how to punish him is all pretty HUGE in over reactions. Either there is a trigger here (my theory) or you act like this a lot.

Look....we are telling you your reactions aren't healthy or normal. You gave us a pretty good account. take a step away and think on it a bit. Maybe we are dead wrong. Maybe something is going on with you. We dont know for sure, just giving our opinions on the story you told.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:42 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,288,032 times
Reputation: 11954
I''m sorry, but I couldn't get past the

I left a 16 year old alone at night

What on earth did you EXPECT to happen???

16 = Natures Madmen
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