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Old 09-05-2015, 06:48 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,688 times
Reputation: 46

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
Really now? You think that no one else has ever realized that their teens can be illogical before?

That is part of being a teenager....and it's up to parents that actually want to help their teens grow into adulthood to meet a teenager where they are at and work from there....not be so offended over everything.

You teen is coming right out and saying to you that he doesn't trust you to be a reasonable adult...and all we've seen you do is try to turn it around and say your son is wrong. He's not wrong....he doesn't trust you anymore than you trust him. He's being honest about that and you are still dismissing him.
Yes I think he made some bad decisions last night… I think you can agree. But I digress. Tell me how I am dismissing him. Are you saying I am I dismissing him because I was not any more reasonable than him last night? And I was not reasonable because…. I called him about the camera? Because I was mad about the friends? Which aspect of my part should I be looking at here?
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:50 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,688 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I''m sorry, but I couldn't get past the

I left a 16 year old alone at night

What on earth did you EXPECT to happen???

16 = Natures Madmen
Hmm, now there are 2 of you who say that, and yet a handful of you who have many a positive story about their teens being left home alone and how responsible they were.
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Old 09-05-2015, 06:58 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,275,574 times
Reputation: 11954
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Hmm, now there are 2 of you who say that, and yet a handful of you who have many a positive story about their teens being left home alone and how responsible they were.

You were just ASKING for trouble!!!

16 is literally, insane.

Ask any doctor. The brain is still growing, and at age 16 it is soaked with impulse and irrationality.

Its like leaving a wild coyote locked up in your house and being mad when it tears your curtains.

ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE.

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Old 09-05-2015, 07:23 PM
 
51 posts, read 49,688 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
Because every step of the way on this, from checking on him all night to digging in the trash to scrolling in his phone to coming here asking how to punish him is all pretty HUGE in over reactions. Either there is a trigger here (my theory) or you act like this a lot.

Look....we are telling you your reactions aren't healthy or normal. You gave us a pretty good account. take a step away and think on it a bit. Maybe we are dead wrong. Maybe something is going on with you. We dont know for sure, just giving our opinions on the story you told.
I understand that my reactions aren't healthy. They don't feel healthy. I can accept that. I can accept that I overreacted. FWIW I knew that I was reacting emotionally which is why I said in my OP: "I am just angry and probably reacting to that. What would you guys do? It's not the end of the world that they were here but it's extremely disappointing the way he handled himself." At that point I was trying to figure out what to do.

I guess I should not have called him after the webcam issue. I should have just talked to him when I got home and hoped he would discuss last nights events with me. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't.. and if not, his omission wouldn't help build trust. Maybe a calmer approach would have helped him relate to me better though.
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Old 09-05-2015, 07:27 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 9,201,711 times
Reputation: 1709
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
You were just ASKING for trouble!!!

16 is literally, insane.

Ask any doctor. The brain is still growing, and at age 16 it is soaked with impulse and irrationality.

Its like leaving a wild coyote locked up in your house and being mad when it tears your curtains.

ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE.

Doesn't mean that you shouldn't leave them home and trust them. Just that there is a reasonable expectation that they are going to do something you would probably not approve of if you were there.

I'd be fine with my teen having friends over, I know them. However, I would reasonably expect them to have left some sort of mess!
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Old 09-05-2015, 07:27 PM
 
2,779 posts, read 4,954,156 times
Reputation: 5044
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
You were just ASKING for trouble!!!

16 is literally, insane.

Ask any doctor. The brain is still growing, and at age 16 it is soaked with impulse and irrationality.

Its like leaving a wild coyote locked up in your house and being mad when it tears your curtains.

ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE.

I spent the summer before my junior year of high school traveling in Europe with my friend. Somehow us 17yr old "insane" children managed to negotiate hostels, train tickets, and grocery stores all by ourselves. That year my parents also went traveling for six weeks and left me with my younger siblings. We went to school, managed homework and everything just fine.

OP you are smothering your child. If you trust him, trust him. Don't monitor his every move, not allow him the freedom to make his own decisions, and then expect him to be a fully functioning adult.
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Old 09-05-2015, 07:34 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,681,211 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
You were just ASKING for trouble!!!

16 is literally, insane.

Ask any doctor. The brain is still growing, and at age 16 it is soaked with impulse and irrationality.

Its like leaving a wild coyote locked up in your house and being mad when it tears your curtains.

ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE.

Yes...the age is a mess in general....but most 16th year olds are quite capable of 24 hours at home by themselves. Normally they have parents that have laid out clear and reasonable expectations and worked up to that level of responsibility over the previous years.
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Old 09-05-2015, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 9,201,711 times
Reputation: 1709
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I understand that my reactions aren't healthy. They don't feel healthy. I can accept that. I can accept that I overreacted. FWIW I knew that I was reacting emotionally which is why I said in my OP: "I am just angry and probably reacting to that. What would you guys do? It's not the end of the world that they were here but it's extremely disappointing the way he handled himself." At that point I was trying to figure out what to do.

I guess I should not have called him after the webcam issue. I should have just talked to him when I got home and hoped he would discuss last nights events with me. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't.. and if not, his omission wouldn't help build trust. Maybe a calmer approach would have helped him relate to me better though.
Here's a possible solution for you both. Leave him home again overnight but this time (after establishing clear reasonable rules) turn OFF the webcam but tell him if he leaves the house he has to turn on the cam. This gives him the trust/privacy he deserves and he will need to call/text you if he leaves (and you''ll be notified). THEN the cam is used as intended not for "spying."
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Old 09-05-2015, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Canada
6,140 posts, read 2,753,655 times
Reputation: 5781
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I can't really think clearly because I am so angry. Last night I allowed my 16 year old to stay home alone overnight.. it was perhaps the 3rd time I have allowed this. I do have a wifi webcam that records 24/7 - I can check it from my phone, and this makes me feel far more comfortable.

So I leave him at 8pm. He's reachable by phone and all is good until about 11pm when suddenly the webcam shows as "disconnected". I immediately call him and he answers. He claims the power went out and therefore the wifi as well. The camera is not reconnecting - I now have him on FaceTime and I can see he is actually plugging and unplugging it and it's not turning back on. I'm at this point thinking that the power outage may have messed up the camera. I have him unplug the camera because it's making a whining noise from the power block. Done. He continues to be reachable throughout the night.

Fast forward to 2:45am. The camera program on my phone wakes me up to inform me of activity in the front room. I pull up the footage and I can see segments of my son walking around in the front room looking for something. I hear other guys voices - not a TV - after I replay it a couple times I can hear him (or them?) saying "the last place they saw it was in the bathroom" followed by my son telling someone to call it again. I called him up and asked him who he was talking to and he played dumb…. totally DUMB, like he didn't know what I was talking about and maybe he was just talking to himself. Really??? I told him to be honest - I told him I heard voices, 1 or 2... I asked him if it was his cousin who seemed the most likely person. He denied everything, even got a little indignant actually. He was bent out of shame about me questioning him & being suspicious. He sarcastically said "ok mom, yeah theres 3 people here, maybe even 4… or 5! Yeah.." He griped about me "spying on him" via my webcam. I asked him why he even was messing with it at all when I had already told him earlier to unplug it. He claims he was trying to make me feel more comfortable so he was trying to get it to work. (Huh?! Even though he feels I "spy" on him??) I told him I would play him the video in the morning.

I arrive back home and immediately start my investigating. I look in the outside garbage can and find a Taco Bell bag with a receipt from the night before, stamped at 11:05pm. Inside I find other incriminating evidence (the TV pulled out, an Xbox that is NEVER played having been connected to our router, more Taco Bell cups in the recycle bin inside). I took my sons phone (he was still asleep) and looked though it for some correspondence, but found nothing. I ask my him if he has decided to be honest. He says he doesn't know what I am talking about. I told him I have his cell and let him think about that for a few - and finally he comes out with it.

He claims that it was his cousin (my ex's nephew) and his cousins friend. So 2 people like I'd heard. He claims he just wanted to hang out with them and he "knew" I would say NO. He never even gave me the chance to say no, and I probably would have been ok with it, particularly if the camera wasn't only sporadically working (which btw he claims really did go out on its own). The curious thing is why he plugged it back in at all. THAT I don't get. He actually got himself caught.

What pisses me off for than anything is his lies and how indignant he was, how he gaslighted me even though I knew what I'd heard. It pisses me off that he didn't even give me the opportunity to say no - and for that matter, why didn't he just ask me and then go ahead and have them over anyway if I said no?? I mean, he knows he's not supposed to just have people over like that, so why not at least try to do the right thing first and THEN go ahead and be sneaky? I don't get it.

So I STILL have his phone. He is trying to claim that he learned his lesson, that he does't need a consequence. Of course. He's the only person I know that would learn without ANY consequence. Right. He wants his phone back before he leased for work at 2:30. I feel like I need to keep it for a while because he schemed on it and he screwed up. I am debating disconnecting his computer as well. I am just angry and probably reacting to that. What would you guys do? It's not the end of the world that they were here but it's extremely disappointing the way he handled himself.
OK..I sense there is a huge trust issue here..Once you catch your kid lying, concealing not accepting consequences..It does and should create dis-trust when things just don't seem right...Believe me I know full well what you are going thru!!

Course, Trust, has to be EARNED..not freely given..Your dis-trust appears to have been earned by your 16 year old.. no doubt is being influenced from outside sources ( ala friends)..Remember..possibly due to your job..your teenager is left alone..and by proxy his ( not so good friends KNOW IT)...It's time to have a sit-down with your kid..and use this as a TEACHING moment to explain it!! TRUST must be earned...and the sooner he realizes the better..much like your self as a parent..Don't promise something and NOT live up to it type thing..

If he continues..advise him..due to lack of trust..IF I feel you are doing something..lie about it..make failed excuses..that you WILL call police on him..and he will have to face consequences...It's sad..but teens do try and take advantages..and they lie..How can they earn your trust..Back in my day..I knew both my boy's "Body language" and knew when they lied or giving false excuses...They truly thought I was psychic..LOL...Now they are grown with kids of their own..and once I explained the "Tells" one gives off when lying..Boy are they good at seeing thru BS will throw at a parent...A Skill obviously passed on!

Next remind your son, that you love him unconditionally..However, you can hate and will hold him accountable for ACTIONS that are wrong ( you will not condone BAD behaviours) You won't accept it..nor defend BAD behaviours...It's called tough love my friend and I wish you luck..tho you have a lot more tools in your toolbox than I ever had!!
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Old 09-05-2015, 08:26 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,442,717 times
Reputation: 98359
So ... let's recap.

It sounds like he didn't actually break any of the rules you left him. No girls came over. He didn't drink or do drugs. The worst thing he did was fib to you in order to avoid being hassled, which is the biggest concern for most average good kids today.

He DID do a couple of things that you would not have know about had you not had the "benefit" of technology.

I have three boys age 12-19. IMHO, you need to go over the actual rules again, and if you decide to leave him alone again, then LEAVE HIM ALONE.

No super sleuthing after the fact. SHOW HIM trust, and he will be trustworthy. Chasing him around via technology only makes him work harder to avoid you.
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