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Old 09-06-2015, 09:34 PM
 
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Were talking about a16 yr old kid and they some times pull fast ones. He was at home,not having a party, not breaking the law and could have just as easily been out somewhere else and told you in the morning he was in bed sleeping.. If he is normally not doing right I can see maybe having trust issues but thats not what it sounds like.
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Old 09-06-2015, 10:12 PM
 
3,205 posts, read 2,075,287 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Yeah I am discounting all of you who keep saying I am spying on him via webcam. Maybe my reaction to last night is over that top… THOSE opinions I'll consider. I probably did over react some, maybe I didn't need to take all the steps I took. Maybe that was too much, however it was based on his lying and the overall weirdness of the way last night played out. I guess you all think I should have just said "oh, he's a teenager.. they do that. I'm sure he just had a friend or 2 over, no big deal. I'll probably find out who they were later, and no matter that I don't even know 1 of them. I'm sure he's a good kid."
There is a huge difference between 'having a webcam' and having a webcam covering the inside entrance of your house that is programmed to alert you every time there is movement in that room. Just because your subject knows that you are doing it doesn't make it any less spying.

The NSA listening to cellular conversations is well known, but it is still spying. Your son is 16, not 10. Give him a chance to be responsible.
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Old 09-07-2015, 06:20 AM
 
465 posts, read 339,226 times
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Default Makes no sense

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
And you could just as easily be a troll that gets his jollies by giving people horrible advice and hope they come back to share how screwed up it made things...because you can't handle people that got out of mommy's basement and take showers more than once a month
That makes no sense, especially that last sentence.

Plus, I think my advice was logical. The OP made a mistake so lets badger her, NO. I don't support her decision to spy. If a parent decides to open a child's dairy or spy, then that parent should not be shocked to find something surprising.
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Old 09-07-2015, 06:45 AM
 
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We, as parents, don't have much in the way of enforcement. We get told what NOT to do but no one tells us what to do. All we hope for is to somehow raise a productive member of society without them being injured and/or killed by accident, others or themselves. If your son knows you have a camera on him he's less likely to be having parties, etc. I get it.

I went to Kuwait for 6 months. I left towards the end of December and my son was turning 18 the beginning of Feb. I decided to allow him to stay at the house and feed the cat. (keep in mind, I relocated 4 horses and several dogs because I didn't really trust him) I had a friend drop by during my absence. He cleared about 6 big bags of trash out of there, noticed the collection of empty liquor bottles, which I assured him weren't mine. "I'm guessing the bong's not yours either?" he says via telephone call. The cat, on the other hand, had ripped the dryer hose out of the wall, was coming and going as she pleased and managed to rip open a 50 pound bag of cat food so... she was cool.

Kids are going to do whatever they can get away with. Sort of human nature. Boundaries are good. I know it hurts to realize your child is willing to be dishonest with you. Don't back down, imo.
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Old 09-07-2015, 06:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Yes I have discussed with him what he can and can't do, and last night specifically I asked what he was going to do. Earlier that day he had talked about going to the high school football game so I had planned to drop him off there before leaving. Turns out he wasn't going to go after all - he says he was going to just play on his computer. .
Oh dear Lord, this is such typical teenage behavior. Were you ever a teenager? Did you ever tell your parents one thing and do another? I was pretty much a goody two shoe, but I still did things.

I would hate to grow up in this generation of parental spying. I think common sense needs to be used. Teenagers are going to do things, they are going to spread their wings. I used to tell my teenagers, they are going to make mistakes, just make mistakes that can easily be fixed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I do have a wifi webcam that records 24/7 - I can check it from my phone, and this makes me feel far more comfortable.
I think you are over the top with your spying and paranoia. Teenagers are going to hate their parents for moments at a time. You are setting yourself up for complete hatred.
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Old 09-07-2015, 08:02 AM
 
3,205 posts, read 2,075,287 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txfriend View Post
We reared three teen boys that had many friends and the one thing that I've learned is that they all lie or are hiding something. It's how you handle the situation that is important. For all the perfect parents with perfect children, you head is in the sand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I''m sorry, but I couldn't get past the

I left a 16 year old alone at night

What on earth did you EXPECT to happen???

16 = Natures Madmen
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Hmm, now there are 2 of you who say that, and yet a handful of you who have many a positive story about their teens being left home alone and how responsible they were.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
You were just ASKING for trouble!!!

16 is literally, insane.

Ask any doctor. The brain is still growing, and at age 16 it is soaked with impulse and irrationality.

Its like leaving a wild coyote locked up in your house and being mad when it tears your curtains.

ENTIRELY AVOIDABLE.

I LITERALLY can't believe that there are people who feel this way.

When I was sixteen, I owned a car and worked 40 hours a week when school was out and 20 hours a week during school. And you people feel a sixteen year old can't be trusted to be alone IN THEIR OWN HOUSE?

What the heck did YOU do that showed such poor judgement at age sixteen that you don't believe that ANY sixteen year old can be trusted? Were you huffing hairspray? Smoking marijuana? Screwing the neighbor kids in the shed? Stealing the old man's liquor?

There are plenty of perfectly respectable teens out there.
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Old 09-07-2015, 08:04 AM
 
2,187 posts, read 2,215,104 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Wow now there is an assumption. I don't have a webcam to be spying on him 24/7. Spying kinda insinuates that he doesn't know about it. I can't "spy" on him when he knows it's there, but thanks for that.

I have a webcam because I worry about my house when WE are gone. I like to be able to check in, I like to be able to notified of any unexpected activity, I like to be able to check on my dog, etc. It's not just because of him. Is there something wrong with having a webcam in my front room?

I looked in the trash and saw the taco bell bag right on top, so i didn't actually dig through it. Has he done terrible things? Maybe not terrible, but sneaky… yes. Last thing was him staying home "sick" from school and smoking pot (which I found by looking in the trash).

Yeah we have communication issues, this is true. He acts very entitled and frankly, a little narcissistic, and I'm struggling with it. He wants what he wants when he wants it and anything less can so easily turn into a fight or sulking.

Do you have kids? I'm betting not.
I have kids but never did what you did. Give kids privacy and let them grow up for better or worse.
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Old 09-07-2015, 08:17 AM
 
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How about correcting the situation. Maybe your son has pulled serious stuff and he cant be trusted but that wasnt mentioned in your post. If he just does stupid things how about having fewer cams. Also try to sit down with him and straighten out the relationship with him. Let him know you do love him to death but apologize you have gotton somewhat too into it. Let him have his say on how he feels about being observed in his private moments. Kids do rebel in drastic ways when they feel accused wrongly. We dont know the whole story from either of you but as parents we all have offended our children at least once invading their privacy. Have a grandaughter who fled from home to get out from accusing mother and she hadnt done anything serious. Had talked to my daughter about it numerous times and her excuse was 'I just dont want her to do the things that I did growing up. So the young girl was being badgered for what she might do! Dont set your son into the same mindset of waiting to flee. Please work on getting this fixed. Doesnt mean you turn your head and look the other way. Have absolutes yet dont be unreasonable. Its hard to be a parent in these times.
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Old 09-07-2015, 08:28 AM
 
6,505 posts, read 3,602,741 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
He acts very entitled and frankly, a little narcissistic, and I'm struggling with it. He wants what he wants when he wants it and anything less can so easily turn into a fight or sulking.
I used to jokingly say to my husband when we had a teenage issue that we obviously made a wrong turn somewhere in parenting. My sons turned out well, but there were those moments in teenage hood.

I think you took a wrong turn somewhere. How did he get to feel that way? Don't say you don't know, because you do know.
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Old 09-07-2015, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Oceania
8,610 posts, read 6,806,972 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I can't really think clearly because I am so angry. Last night I allowed my 16 year old to stay home alone overnight.. it was perhaps the 3rd time I have allowed this. I do have a wifi webcam that records 24/7 - I can check it from my phone, and this makes me feel far more comfortable.

So I leave him at 8pm. He's reachable by phone and all is good until about 11pm when suddenly the webcam shows as "disconnected". I immediately call him and he answers. He claims the power went out and therefore the wifi as well. The camera is not reconnecting - I now have him on FaceTime and I can see he is actually plugging and unplugging it and it's not turning back on. I'm at this point thinking that the power outage may have messed up the camera. I have him unplug the camera because it's making a whining noise from the power block. Done. He continues to be reachable throughout the night.

Fast forward to 2:45am. The camera program on my phone wakes me up to inform me of activity in the front room. I pull up the footage and I can see segments of my son walking around in the front room looking for something. I hear other guys voices - not a TV - after I replay it a couple times I can hear him (or them?) saying "the last place they saw it was in the bathroom" followed by my son telling someone to call it again. I called him up and asked him who he was talking to and he played dumb…. totally DUMB, like he didn't know what I was talking about and maybe he was just talking to himself. Really??? I told him to be honest - I told him I heard voices, 1 or 2... I asked him if it was his cousin who seemed the most likely person. He denied everything, even got a little indignant actually. He was bent out of shame about me questioning him & being suspicious. He sarcastically said "OK mom, yeah theres 3 people here, maybe even 4… or 5! Yeah.." He griped about me "spying on him" via my webcam. I asked him why he even was messing with it at all when I had already told him earlier to unplug it. He claims he was trying to make me feel more comfortable so he was trying to get it to work. (Huh?! Even though he feels I "spy" on him??) I told him I would play him the video in the morning.

I arrive back home and immediately start my investigating. I look in the outside garbage can and find a Taco Bell bag with a receipt from the night before, stamped at 11:05pm. Inside I find other incriminating evidence (the TV pulled out, an Xbox that is NEVER played having been connected to our router, more Taco Bell cups in the recycle bin inside). I took my sons phone (he was still asleep) and looked though it for some correspondence, but found nothing. I ask my him if he has decided to be honest. He says he doesn't know what I am talking about. I told him I have his cell and let him think about that for a few - and finally he comes out with it.

He claims that it was his cousin (my ex's nephew) and his cousins friend. So 2 people like I'd heard. He claims he just wanted to hang out with them and he "knew" I would say NO. He never even gave me the chance to say no, and I probably would have been ok with it, particularly if the camera wasn't only sporadically working (which btw he claims really did go out on its own). The curious thing is why he plugged it back in at all. THAT I don't get. He actually got himself caught.

What pisses me off for than anything is his lies and how indignant he was, how he gaslighted me even though I knew what I'd heard. It pisses me off that he didn't even give me the opportunity to say no - and for that matter, why didn't he just ask me and then go ahead and have them over anyway if I said no?? I mean, he knows he's not supposed to just have people over like that, so why not at least try to do the right thing first and THEN go ahead and be sneaky? I don't get it.

So I STILL have his phone. He is trying to claim that he learned his lesson, that he does't need a consequence. Of course. He's the only person I know that would learn without ANY consequence. Right. He wants his phone back before he leased for work at 2:30. I feel like I need to keep it for a while because he schemed on it and he screwed up. I am debating disconnecting his computer as well. I am just angry and probably reacting to that. What would you guys do? It's not the end of the world that they were here but it's extremely disappointing the way he handled himself.
Wow! What kind of parent would you be before the advent of cell phones, internet and spy cams?

He is 16 and learning his boundaries like all kids do.

I am the oldest of 5. I was charged with watching my siblings if my parents left home for a few hours or overnight when I was 14. I had friends over but they were family friends. We never burnt the house down - never lit a match.

What kind of upbringing did you have? Were your parents suspicious of you to the point you can't trust your own kids?
Yeah, have fun with that in the future cause you are gonna be left in the dark even more now.

I can see this surely isn't playing out in your favor. If there was rolling papers and roaches or bent spoons and syringes littered about it might be different but Taco Bell? Dial 911 and handcuff him NOW!!
He might be smoking meth with his meth head cousin and friends.
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