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Old 09-09-2015, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Denver
4,566 posts, read 10,030,614 times
Reputation: 3916

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I have three 20 something sons. The two that now live on their own offer hugs and kisses to both me and my husband when we see them. But the one who still lives with us doesn't. He did when he came home on school breaks though.

Wait until your son moves out. I'm pretty sure the hugs will happen again when he isn't seeing you daily.
I so agree with this.

OP, I have a 22 year old that just moved out. He's an only child. He was so ready to be out on his own. I can honestly say that since he's moved out, we've had way better conversations and enjoyed each others company way more than when he was at home. I would venture to say your son is really wanting his space in more ways than one.
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Old 09-09-2015, 03:40 PM
 
Location: sumter
9,654 posts, read 6,174,086 times
Reputation: 7062
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikesmom View Post
Thank you to the last two posts. Gives me another perspective. The only difference is that he was a very loving and affectionate kid and those wonderful times are still fresh in my heart.
Perhaps something took place in his life that changed him and you have no knowledge of it. Just tell him all you want for Christmas is a great big ole huge.
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Old 09-09-2015, 08:38 PM
 
3,157 posts, read 3,278,718 times
Reputation: 8702
I haven't let my parents hug me since I was about 6. It's sad, but I'm not sure there is any way to change that. Even my Kindergartner is starting to accept less hugs.
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Old 09-10-2015, 03:31 AM
 
12,420 posts, read 9,539,322 times
Reputation: 22918
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
I completely disagree. Being hugged when you aren't comfortable with it makes a person feel violated. I know this, because I am not a natural hugger and have to be very close to a person before I'm OK with hugging them. It's akin to an assault. No one should force physical contact on anyone. It doesn't matter what the relationship of the two people are.
I'm okay with making my son uncomfortable for a 3 second hug. Sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable. I consider it his responsibility to make an attempt to please his mim. Let's hope they are very close.
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Old 09-10-2015, 04:23 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA —> North Carolina in October
24,706 posts, read 35,195,886 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikesmom View Post
My 22 year old son lives with us and I love him dearly. He is our only child and a good kid that pays his own bills, has a full time job, pays rent to us and is a very good person. But my heart is broken because he went from a very happy and affectionate kid to a solemn, unaffectionate adult. I know he loves me and has no problem telling me in texts, but when I am moved to give him a hug or any gesture of love, he backs away which kills me inside. I have been trained not to show him any affection and I hate it. He knows it breaks my heart. What mother's heart wouldn't be? He tells me he has a problem with "personal space". There are just those times when your kid looks a certain way or you are so happy for them for whatever reason and the natural thing to do is to show your love with a hug or kiss.
Anyone else have this issue with an adult child? I was hoping as he matured, he would warm up, but it only seems to get worse.
I think there is something you are not telling us. I'm just flashing back to 22 a few years ago when I lived with my mother. Do you give him a reasonable amount of privacy? Have you ever opened his mail? Have you ever shot down any idea he has had in an over the top way?

One of the main things that determines the affection that I give anyone as a young adult is, do I trust them? I'm not going to give a lot of affection to someone I don't trust them. My mother thought it was cool to snoop whenever she felt like it just because I was living under her roof. Yes, her house her rules, now that I'm out of her home, its my arms, my rules and I'm not comfortable expressing that much affection except under the rarest of circumstances.
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Old 09-10-2015, 04:30 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA —> North Carolina in October
24,706 posts, read 35,195,886 times
Reputation: 34641
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Okay, without reading all the replies (so sorry if I repeat someone else's thoughts) here's what I'd do:

"Mike. Son. I gave you life. You're my flesh and blood. I am going to insist on hugging you. Figure out the best way to take it and get ready because I will hug you if I have to wait until you're asleep, which will actually feel creepy. BUT I'LL DO IT! Don't make me hug you in your sleep, son."

I'm telling you, I'd have to break through that little whatever attitude and make him smile and make him TOLERATE hugs from his mom. I'm a mom with sons. The oldest stands like a stick when I hug him but he likes it inside. Trust me.

Even hugging a stick is good for you if that stick is your son.
In all fairness we are talking about a 22 year old man not a 10 year boy. He is probably big enough to hold the mama back from him if he really wanted to, which may be the case if the mama forces herself for a hug.
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Old 09-10-2015, 05:54 AM
 
Location: sumter
9,654 posts, read 6,174,086 times
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Give and show all the love you are capable of while you can, life is way short. Once a person is gone from this earth, there will be nothing you can do about it then. My mother died 2 years ago, and I wish so much that she was still her to give and receive hugs.
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Old 09-11-2015, 06:55 PM
 
12,420 posts, read 9,539,322 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
In all fairness we are talking about a 22 year old man not a 10 year boy. He is probably big enough to hold the mama back from him if he really wanted to, which may be the case if the mama forces herself for a hug.
Maybe she should have taught him respect as a 10yr old and he'd be giving her hugs now. I don't care how old they are. My boys are going to get hugs from me.
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Old 09-11-2015, 11:42 PM
 
3,279 posts, read 4,391,790 times
Reputation: 6149
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
I'm okay with making my son uncomfortable for a 3 second hug. Sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable. I consider it his responsibility to make an attempt to please his mim. Let's hope they are very close.
Bingo.

Now, I do agree that a mother needs to start respecting certain individual aspects of her now grown child, recognize that your child is now not a child any longer and respect most of their preferences.

That being said, there's also something to be said, if we're now talking about the adult child, that one not be so ridiculous about insisting on being so hard-up about "I'm grown now and I don't have to put up with anything I don't want to." For that to be boiling over pretty hard in a 22 year old is pretty common, granted, yet even so past a certain point it starts to be obnoxious and ridiculous. There's something to be said for respecting your elders and that your parents are your parents and, frankly, tolerating some things (I stress SOME things).

(Speaking to the grown child again) your mother wants to hug you. Oh the horror! Gee whiz, the lady raised you and sacrificed so much for you, and can no longer "pamper" you like she could when you were a child. You're out of the home and she doesn't see you regularly anymore. She is also brimming over with emotion over the realization that a baby has now become a man, and she is so proud of the man you now are and the love for you and the emotion just overcome her. Throw her a freaking bone and tolerate a 3 second hug every great now and then. Gee whiz.
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Old 09-12-2015, 12:03 AM
 
Location: California
31,919 posts, read 35,251,374 times
Reputation: 27625
I dislike hugging and honestly, when I was in my teens, 20's and 30's I just didn't hug my parents. You can't psychoanalyze anything out of that, it was just something I didn't do and would have resented if you made me. I'm much older now and so are my parents, and I got over it. But it's not something you can make people do. You may think it's ok to make someone uncomfortable for 3 seconds if it makes YOU feel better but why is that? I wouldn't feel good knowing touching someone who didn't want to be touched so how can a forced hug possibly help anyone?
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