Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thanks. I am all for mediation. But he refuses. He thinks everything is fine. I have wrote letters asking for his input and his response is always things are fine the way they are.
Other than counseling, what are you suggesting i do? Communicate with the girlfriend?
I would talk with the girlfriend and try to set up something for the same weekend every month. The kids will know their dad, and it won't be too much for you.
I know it's unfair and awful for you. Some people are just selfish jerks. However, this is a gift you are giving your kids. They will figure out on their own what a selfish jerk their dad is eventually, but kids still love their dads even if they are awful.
Pretty much this will resolve itself as they get older. It's only until they are 10-11. So, think about it only lasting a few more years. Then they can make their own arrangements, and they probably will want to spend time with their friends instead.
I didn't say no though. I said do not pick them up from school. That he could please contact me and we would male arrangements. I was not against them going. Just wanted appropriate communication around it.
You did say no. He had a plan, you essentially said no, make a new plan with me. So they still have not seen their father even though they had the opportunity to do so.
You did say no. He had a plan, you essentially said no, make a new plan with me. So they still have not seen their father even though they had the opportunity to do so.
I understand.
I won't take responsibility for him not contacting me though.
I think trying to 'force' a relationship between a father who really doesn't care and the kids may be more damaging than not having one at all.
Of course you should never badmouth their father, but don't make excuses for him either. They WILL get disappointed and hurt when he doesn't show up. There's no way around that. They'll get older and realize the type of person their father is an as long as there is no fighting or negative talk about it - or a constant build up of expectations and constant let downs - they will be fine.
Talking to the GF about it is fine, I suppose, but HE is the one who is responsible for the final decisions, plans and actually facilitating the visits. You have no way of knowing if the GF is a nice person trying to make things right on her own or if your ex is making the decisions and having her relay them.
On Friday, the day he expects to take them, I receive a text from the girlfriend asking of its OK that their dad pick them up. I tell her no, their dad needs to contact me and we could make arrangements.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist
Father doesn't want to speak with you. You want the kids to have a relationship with him, then go through the girlfriend.
I know you don't want to go through the girlfriend---but really that ^ seems to be the case. Just do what you have to do to have the kids have a relationship with their Dad, be the better person.
The whole idea of having kids live with one parent and visit the other, is the real root of the whole problem. Kids gradually become alienated from the noncustodial parent because they perceive an overall negative attitude about that parent. They get brainwashed unintentionally. The only cases where they don't become alienated are those where they like the noncustodial parent more than the custodial parent, and look forward to their visitation time as a chance to get away from the parent they don't like.
Noncustodial parents should not be blamed for seeming uninterested in their kids. They want what's best for their kids, but feel it's hopeless to have a good relationship with them, because of the brainwashing/alienation. Their only real hope is that they might have a good relationship with them after they grow up and leave the influence of the custodial parent.
The whole idea of having kids live with one parent and visit the other, is the real root of the whole problem. Kids gradually become alienated from the noncustodial parent because they perceive an overall negative attitude about that parent. They get brainwashed unintentionally. The only cases where they don't become alienated are those where they like the noncustodial parent more than the custodial parent, and look forward to their visitation time as a chance to get away from the parent they don't like.
Noncustodial parents should not be blamed for seeming uninterested in their kids. They want what's best for their kids, but feel it's hopeless to have a good relationship with them, because of the brainwashing/alienation. Their only real hope is that they might have a good relationship with them after they grow up and leave the influence of the custodial parent.
Wow. What a perception!
I do not believe my case to be a matter of brainwashing my kids. I encourage them to reach out to their father, and if they ever want to call without my proding, all they have to do is say mommy can i call daddy. When something comes up that he should attend, i say lets call daddy and invite him. He has alienated himself but choosing to adhere to things that make it difficult on me because well, he wants to do exactly that. Punish me for not beong with him. Except, having my kids isnt punishement!
Now what i do agree to is the whole custodial / noncustodial / visitation thing as alienating the children. I have seen from another perspective how children are able to go an come from either parents house without a schedule, according to both the parents and children's wishes - family function this weekend I'm taking the kids! Or dad I want to stay with mom tonight, no problem son! Honestly that's what I would like to get to (other than stability for school nights) and I have actually reached out to him to divide the time spent more evenly even of it was scheduled for the time being, even asked him to provide me with alternate suggestions if what i proposed didnt work. His response -every other weekend is fine (and then hes not there when we show up). I have left the door completely open for him. He refuses to communicate with me.
For this very reason, I did not object when my ex purchased cell phones for our kids.
They could contact him directly and work out details themselves.
I didn't need to have any part of it, at all. Kids are quite clear about who they want to see, when.
FWIW they never once requested to see him outside our (privately agreed) visitation times, nor used the cells to call him for any other reason.
They obviously felt no need to.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
