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Trust me OP, you have the WRONG attitude. If you care about your kids (and that means enabling their close relationship with their father) you need to bend a little. Your unresolved feelings for your ex (good and bad) are getting in the way of the harmony that blended families absolute require. It's ok, just realize that and put them aside.
So what if he doesn't bend as much as you do? You have to let go of that mentality. Do what is best for the kids and don't worry about what he does. Hardest part. Get to know the girlfriend and try to appreciate what positives she can bring to the situation, away from the context of your husband.
It takes practice.
I have been right where you are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33
I disagree completely. The OP has been bending plenty by providing ALL transportation for four years. She has been doing what's best for the kids by facilitating a relationship when he has shown minimal interest. What else should she do, camp out in his backyard?
As for the girlfriend, that is inappropriate. Who knows how long she'll be around? So the OP should make arrangements through her, and then any successive girlfriends because her ex is acting like a lazy child?Nope. Boyfriends/girlfriends have no place in making child care arrangements or decisions. If the ex and the girlfriend get married, then maybe, but not until then.
I agree with MoonBean.
Getting the girlfriend (or a boyfriend) involved in making child care arrangements for the ex.? Sheesh!
As a teacher, I have had several/many students who have gone through five or six "Daddy Jim, Daddy Joe, Daddy John, Daddy Bob, etc." or "Mommy Sarah, Mommy Joan, Mommy Cindy, Mommy Susan, etc" in just a nine month school year. Heck, I had one student where it must have been at least a dozen "temporary" Daddies (aka. boyfriends) in just one year. It was so sad because each and every time the kindergartener said that he loved "Daddy So and So" and then a few weeks later there was always a new "Daddy" in his life.
We have no idea how long the GF has been the GF or quickly the ex will be moving on to someone else. It is his job as the father to make and keep his visitation promises not some temporary person in his life. Now, if he gets married and his children have a permanent step-mother it is a slightly different situation.
The whole idea of having kids live with one parent and visit the other, is the real root of the whole problem. Kids gradually become alienated from the noncustodial parent because they perceive an overall negative attitude about that parent. They get brainwashed unintentionally. The only cases where they don't become alienated are those where they like the noncustodial parent more than the custodial parent, and look forward to their visitation time as a chance to get away from the parent they don't like.
Noncustodial parents should not be blamed for seeming uninterested in their kids. They want what's best for their kids, but feel it's hopeless to have a good relationship with them, because of the brainwashing/alienation. Their only real hope is that they might have a good relationship with them after they grow up and leave the influence of the custodial parent.
^^That's ridiculous. Completely and utterly ridiculous.
People will come up with ANYTHING to convince themselves they're not a$$ holes.
I think you may need to go back to court to rehash everything. He is still financially responsible for the judgement until it is changed. You can revisit visitation.
You may want to use the money to pay for transportation for the kids.
Court was such an awful experience for me, i was really hoping we could settle out of court. But i do know thag is where we will end up. and I do pay for transportation, I have to pay for gas, license and insurance, car maintenance. Where you suggesting something else?
The whole idea of having kids live with one parent and visit the other, is the real root of the whole problem. Kids gradually become alienated from the noncustodial parent because they perceive an overall negative attitude about that parent. They get brainwashed unintentionally. The only cases where they don't become alienated are those where they like the noncustodial parent more than the custodial parent, and look forward to their visitation time as a chance to get away from the parent they don't like.
Noncustodial parents should not be blamed for seeming uninterested in their kids. They want what's best for their kids, but feel it's hopeless to have a good relationship with them, because of the brainwashing/alienation. Their only real hope is that they might have a good relationship with them after they grow up and leave the influence of the custodial parent.
Well said. A lot of the problems we see in these situations begin at the base level...our whole approach to post divorce child rearing is fundamentally flawed. It's tough to change though because only the people getting the muddy end of the stick have any motivation to actually do anything about it and culturally speaking that is the group of people who are the least sympathetic and have the least amount of influence over the process. Well, second least amount of influence, after the children themselves. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. In some jurisdictions split 50/50 custody is not the non starter it was once considered to be. We've still got a long way to go though.
Court was such an awful experience for me, i was really hoping we could settle out of court. But i do know thag is where we will end up. and I do pay for transportation, I have to pay for gas, license and insurance, car maintenance. Where you suggesting something else?
How could it be an awful experience if you got custody and child support from it?
Why not ask your lawyer to file a motion to increase your child support just enough to cover the cost of transportation? Then your ex would have no more excuses to avoid visitation, because you would be getting extra money to do the driving. You might even be able to get the IRS business rate, which is more than 50 cents per mile.
[QU220274]How could it be an awful experience if you got custody and child support from it?
Why not ask your lawyer to file a motion to increase your child support just enough to cover the cost of transportation? Then your ex would have no more excuses to avoid visitation, because you would be getting extra money to do the driving. You might even be able to get the IRS business rate, which is more than 50 cents per mile.[/quote]
The process was awful, not the result.
Although increased child support would be helpful, my concern is not money. In all capcities, i will provide for my child. Unfortunately, i cant BE their dad.
Well said. A lot of the problems we see in these situations begin at the base level...our whole approach to post divorce child rearing is fundamentally flawed. It's tough to change though because only the people getting the muddy end of the stick have any motivation to actually do anything about it and culturally speaking that is the group of people who are the least sympathetic and have the least amount of influence over the process. Well, second least amount of influence, after the children themselves. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. In some jurisdictions split 50/50 custody is not the non starter it was once considered to be. We've still got a long way to go though.
I do agree to this comment.
I have seen perfectly civil approaches that work and were settled without involving the courts.
Unfortunately, the relationship I have with my kids father today is the same I had when I was with him. I did try to reaolve issues prior to taking the court approach, but that was not fruitful.
Court was such an awful experience for me, i was really hoping we could settle out of court. But i do know thag is where we will end up. and I do pay for transportation, I have to pay for gas, license and insurance, car maintenance. Where you suggesting something else?
Quote:
Originally Posted by eok
How could it be an awful experience if you got custody and child support from it?
Why not ask your lawyer to file a motion to increase your child support just enough to cover the cost of transportation? Then your ex would have no more excuses to avoid visitation, because you would be getting extra money to do the driving. You might even be able to get the IRS business rate, which is more than 50 cents per mile.
Hmmm, the ex moved twice as far away (now 40 minutes one way from the OP) and still expected her to do all the driving, so I wouldn't be surprised if the courts said that she needed to do all of the driving he would move even farther away. Where will it end? When he moves two hours away or five hours away or ten hours away and now expects her to do all of the driving because the court changed it's mind and put the responsibility on her?
Some posters are forgetting that the time involved in driving is a factor, too. If I am spending several hours of my weekend driving, when I could be working or relaxing or doing something else the 50 cents a mile may not be as important as my time.
eok, why are you so opposed to the father taking responsibility for the children that he conceived? If he can get to work, go out, do things with his friends, run errands, and do everything that he wants to do without owning a car, why should this one thing (picking up his children for visitation) be seemingly impossible for him to do?
eok, you seem to want to put ALL of the responsibility, for everything, on the mother, who is already doing far more than her share of child rearing. Why?
eok, why are you so opposed to the father taking responsibility for the children that he conceived?
He pays child support. Don't use the kids as weapons to force the father to do things the mother's way. We haven't heard his side of the story. Kids of divorce are almost always used as weapons, even when the parents don't realize it and don't see it that way.
Court was such an awful experience for me, i was really hoping we could settle out of court. But i do know thag is where we will end up. and I do pay for transportation, I have to pay for gas, license and insurance, car maintenance. Where you suggesting something else?
Yes, get money from the dad and use it to pay someone to shuttle your kids around to after school activities and his house. Lots of parents do that where I live. I live in Houston and it can easily take 40+ minutes to get to activities/home.
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