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Isn't the whole point of this topic that the mom wants to "judge" the daughter's friends?
At a school, you can respect someone by seeing dozens of interactions between the principal and people under her. If you're only going to meet these friends a couple times, you can't use that, so you have to be friends if you want to know anything meaningful.
I'm curious about whether you've ever parented a teenager. The quickest way for a parent to alienate a 13-year-old is to try to be friends with their friends.
Isn't the whole point of this topic that the mom wants to "judge" the daughter's friends?
At a school, you can respect someone by seeing dozens of interactions between the principal and people under her. If you're only going to meet these friends a couple times, you can't use that, so you have to be friends if you want to know anything meaningful.
No, that's not the point. The OP doesn't even know why she wants to meet them. Read the OP again, and that's why she's here. She knows she should meet them, but she couldn't even give her daughter a reason.
But "be their friend"? Maybe you're not explaining it right, or maybe you just don't have a clue. But that's not how it works. You obviously aren't a parent.
So Mom should ask to follow them on Instagram at the front door and them see if they want to braid each other's hair?
A great place to learn about kids is while you're driving them somewhere. Offer to drive groups of her friends around but don't talk or otherwise engage them. You'll be amazed at what you hear. Let your daughter know she can trust you to not embarrass her. If kids come to your house, be there but be quiet.
Also, communication is the key to all relationships. Give your daughter a short, truthful explanation. Tell her that when she was little, you controlled her whole environment to keep her safe. Now that she's older, she has a lot more freedom, but you still want to make sure she's in a safe environment. Empower her by telling her that you know she's smart and will make good choices, but that until she's an adult, you will still be keeping an eye on things. Part of keeping an eye on things is knowing who she's hanging out with. She may still argue with you at that point, but she will internalize what you said. If, after your explanation, she balks at you meeting her friends, you put your foot down. If you don't meet them, she doesn't hang out with them. No arguing or discussing. When you do meet them, keep it short and pleasant so that you daughter see it's no big deal.
Raising a feisty teenage daughter is not for the faint of heart and you're going to have to grow a thick skin. Mine was insufferable from about 12 to 16. She just turned 17 and things are looking up.
If you just want to hear how they act naturally, this can be a good strategy.
But I think after a few times, you should talk with and engage them too. My friend's mom would do that growing up and everyone loved her. She would call one of us out when we did something stupid. I'm talking about when we were 14-16 and everyone would say, "His mom is awesome. That was great!"
You should make sure your comments are in their type of "culture" though. For example, if they already have boyfriends, don't say dumb things like "Only shallow people worry about looks." That might be true, but at 13, looks are going to be EVERYTHING for them, so saying that will make you look out of touch.
That is what I meant to the other poster about saying you should be able to relate to them. If she loves clothes, I think you should learn about what types of clothes her friends like and make suggestions on some pricier/cheaper options they might like. You shouldn't wear the clothes yourself though. That's what I meant by relating, but not pretending you're "hip."
12-16 can be a pleasant time to raise a daughter, but only if you are honest. For example, don't tell her that she shouldn't drink because it's bad for you, but then drink yourself.
I'm curious about whether you've ever parented a teenager. The quickest way for a parent to alienate a 13-year-old is to try to be friends with their friends.
My best friend's mom tried to be friends with our friends and we thought it was cool.
Why would you think trying to be friends with their friends would alienate the child?
If there is confusion, I would say you should want to be friends with their friends as a member of the group. Not taking over as the leader.
My best friend's mom tried to be friends with our friends and we thought it was cool.
Why would you think trying to be friends with their friends would alienate the child?
If there is confusion, I would say you should want to be friends with their friends as a member of the group. Not taking over as the leader.
Since I drive, I could go over to the automotive forum and offer advice on car repair. But since I really only know about it from one limited perspective, it would be a bad idea.
No, that's not the point. The OP doesn't even know why she wants to meet them. Read the OP again, and that's why she's here. She knows she should meet them, but she couldn't even give her daughter a reason.
But "be their friend"? Maybe you're not explaining it right, or maybe you just don't have a clue. But that's not how it works. You obviously aren't a parent.
So Mom should ask to follow them on Instagram at the front door and them see if they want to braid each other's hair?
I assumed that the poster wants to judge them but just doesn't want to say it.
If they like to braid each other's hair and the mom can find that decently enjoyable, I think she should try to help.
You don't really JUST braid hair. You still talk and that's what the poster wanted to hear.
The Mom can follow them on Instagram after a few times. Normal friends don't ask to follow on Instagram the first time they meet each other either.
Since I drive, I could go over to the automotive forum and offer advice on car repair. But since I really only know about it from one limited perspective, it would be a bad idea.
You didn't answer my question though:
Why would you think trying to be friends with their friends would alienate the child?
Why would you think trying to be friends with their friends would alienate the child?
You didn't ask me that question. I didn't say it would.
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