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I remember being really crude at that age. Making up alternate lyrics to songs about horrible stuff, just for fun. Stuff I would be horrified by now.
As long as it just sticks to jokes going back and forth between buddies, and doesn't start to come out in actual behavior or harassment of others, I think your kid is probably okay, and going through a normal phase of trying to desensitize themselves and build a bit of a protective layer around themselves, so that they don't find themselves unable to function when faced with something horrible, like every time they watch the news.
That's a good idea, as long as you can follow through.
Someone else suggested contacting his friends and asking about it, but I wouldn't recommend that. It's really embarrassing to a teen and would be better held in reserve for some major problem.
Yeah, I agree with this.
I also remember male classmates in this age group (before cell phones and texting) writing some truly offensive stories in a group, and stuff like that.
If it's one-sided texting, it suggests that either this "new best friend" is more mature than your son or not very interested in hanging out with him. To me that screams immaturity on your son's part. I also suspect your outrage is giving him a bit of a thrill. He's a rebel! LOL.
I dunno, I guess part of me feels like the easiest solution is a visit to a (recommended) family therapist and have them guide you through this. I think this is a fairly minor issue given his age and my personal experience with teenage boys, but I also feel like how you handle this and how big a deal you make out of it could have lasting implications.
As I said before, telling him you don't need to subsidize his hate speech and he can pay for his own phone is a good solution in my eyes. But I'm also wondering if you limit his access to various media and R-rated type stuff. I wouldn't even bill it as a punishment. I'd simply say that given his apparent lack of maturity and inability to conduct himself in a responsible way, you're going to restrict what he has access to until he's a little older. I'm not a parent, so I have no idea how feasible that is. I'm just thinking of the long electronic memory out there and how stuff from your past can come back to haunt you on the internet and whatnot.
I'm a fan of letting kids think for themselves. You have values. The best way you can convey those values is to demonstrate them and to do so because you BELIEVE in those values, not because you're worried about what other people will think. So think about the values and behavior you'd like your son to embrace. Then be that example in every way that you can.
The bottom line is that he is his own person and is forming his own views. No matter how offensive you find them, he has the right to have them. You need to support his decision and encourage him to make EDUCATED decision, but in the end you have to support his right to them. You can also be very clear about how you don't have those views and that, and many others, will find the views offensive and alienating.
We have a 14 year old son who has never been anything but normal. We have had the normal ups and downs of raising a kid with him, but nothing unusual.
The other day he missed the school bus, so I had to leave work and pick him up and take him to school. My husband said, "You know, he is always texting on his phone. I bet he was texting and lost track of time. I'm going to check the texting history on his phone to see if I'm right."
Boy were we shocked. He was texting the most offensive memes to his friend. Now, it was pretty one-sided, so I can't blame his friend. Horrible stuff joking about rape, Nazis, the N-word, just the most offensive stuff I could imagine.
I don't know if these were meant to be shocking like a troll or if he is really just an awful person. We have always taught him respect for women, minorities, etc. We took him to the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. He has seen Schindler's List, Mississippi Burning and always expressed horror and outrage like you would expect from a decent person.
When we talked to him about it, he just kept saying, "I don't know" and "I feel really bad about this". We took his phone for several days and told him he needed to do a lot of work around the house to earn money to give to a charity. Maybe a women's shelter or the NAACP. He seemed to take this seriously and really did do a lot of work.
I thought this was all behind us. We gave him his phone back with strict instructions and the understanding that we would be looking at it periodically. Well, we checked it that evening and guess what? There they were. More horrible jokes and memes not even an hour after he got it back.
I'm seriously at my wit's end. I can't even discuss this with my friends because it's so embarrassing. Any advice is welcome. I'm at a total loss.
What exactly is he texting? It might just be a phase, trying to impress.
I was writing dirty (sexual) jokes on my school books when I was around 12 and didn't think of anything. The teacher called my parents about it and I got in trouble and didn't really understand, why. I got the jokes out of a joke book my parents gave me and there were hundreds of jokes - I picked out the few dirty ones ...
But you had a talk, told him your expectations, and gave him back the phone. He blew it IMMEDIATELY. Sounds like he is really struggling and asking you for HELP! Doesn't it indicate he wanted to get caught?
I would cancel his data plan. Let him have talk and text for safety. He doesn't need data.
I would also be concerned about this new friend. Find him a new after school activity where he can get some new friends. You said he was less mature than the old best friend.
He has been friends with this kid only for a few months. It seemed kind of sudden, like he really wants to spend all his time with this boy. I've met him a few times, but don't know him well.
He did have a best friend for several years, but it sounds like they drifted apart when they started high school. I think my son was just too immature for the old best friend. My son complained that he didn't respond to his text messages and this new friend is very available and texts back immediately.
This is the part that raised the Red flag for me. He is seeking attention from this new "text" buddy. Does he have other best friends or is this friend the only one who engages in this type of language?
Sounds very unhealthy.
But you had a talk, told him your expectations, and gave him back the phone. He blew it IMMEDIATELY. Sounds like he is really struggling and asking you for HELP! Doesn't it indicate he wanted to get caught?
I would cancel his data plan. Let him have talk and text for safety. He doesn't need data.
I would also be concerned about this new friend. Find him a new after school activity where he can get some new friends. You said he was less mature than the old best friend.
This is what we were thinking, just cancel his data plan. He does participate in clubs and sports. Hopefully, he will find new friends.
I don't know if these were meant to be shocking like a troll or if he is really just an awful person. We have always taught him respect for women, minorities, etc. We took him to the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. He has seen Schindler's List, Mississippi Burning and always expressed horror and outrage like you would expect from a decent person.
When we talked to him about it, he just kept saying, "I don't know" and "I feel really bad about this". We took his phone for several days and told him he needed to do a lot of work around the house to earn money to give to a charity. Maybe a women's shelter or the NAACP. He seemed to take this seriously and really did do a lot of work.
Of course he feels like just an awful person. His whole life, you guilt-tripped him and pounded that into his head with all your trips to the Civil Rights Museum, Schindler's List, Mississippi Burning, etc...the common denominator of which is that heterosexual White males like him ARE AWFUL.
You lectured him to respect women, minorities, etc...but did you ever teach him to respect HIMSELF - first & foremost???
Love & respect for others all begins at home - with self-love. And I think that's the one area you neglected - and left him to now somehow find it on his own.
I think teens are very influenced by friends. I would ask him where he learned this. Not only would I take away his phone, I would ban him from the friend he was texting.
Of course he feels like just an awful person. His whole life, you guilt-tripped him and pounded that into his head with all your trips to the Civil Rights Museum, Schindler's List, Mississippi Burning, etc...the common denominator of which is that heterosexual White males like him ARE AWFUL.
You lectured him to respect women, minorities, etc...but did you ever teach him to respect HIMSELF - first & foremost???
Love & respect for others all begins at home - with self-love. And I think that's the one area you neglected - and left him to now somehow find it on his own.
You might be onto something here. When we left the Civil Rights Museum, he said he felt ashamed to be white. I told him he wasn't responsible for what other people did in the past. But he was pretty disturbed by it all.
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