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I noticed when my grandparents were alive that visits were exceptionally important to them, even though they were pretty boring to me. I also noticed that their idea of "a long time since we've seen you" was a lot different than my idea of "a long time." Now that my mother is nearing 90, she's the same way. She LIVES WITH ME and thinks she doesn't see me enough.
If she had her way, I would be sitting on the sofa next to her every minute of the day.
Oh, Jukesgirl, my Mom was the same way. She loved sitting next to me, holding my hand. She said she felt safer that way. We spent a lot of time doing just that. But I couldn't spend every minute of the day doing that.
If you really aren't willing to have a relationship with them, then don't be surprised when they choose siblings or even neighbors as their favorites and don't be shocked if you get cut out of the will.
The irony is that the more children know they are loved and always will be, the freer they are to go off and live their own lives.
I used to work with teens in the foster care system. Most, if not all, of them would give anything to have what others walk away from.
It's a strange world.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 11-06-2015 at 04:14 AM..
If you really aren't willing to have a relationship with them, then don't be surprised when they choose siblings or even neighbors as their favorites and don't be shocked if you get cut out of the will.
Though I doubt many parents will cut a kid out of a will or choose a new favorite for not visiting often enough, as we go through life most of us find mighty few people who will support and adore us like parents.
If you don't have that with at least one parent, my heart goes out to you. There is nothing, nothing like walking into a room and having someone's face light up, to be adored in a no-holes-barred way a daddy adores his daughter.
Many people spend their whole lives searching for that. (Hint: If you have it at least once, it is easier to recognize later.)
When our kids are little, we got that thrill-at-the-sight-of-us excitement/joy every time we walked into a room. Woo hoo!
And we also got the deep satisfaction of adoring a little cutie poototie without any worries or hurts in the way.
It's addicting and I think that's a big part of the yearning for the kids to visit more often. It reminds us of a time.
It's crazy, I know. Those days are gone and not ever coming back. When I come into the room now, if they look up from their phones at all it is to ask if there's anything to eat.
But there was a time when we we in our own little bubble and it was such fun and so sometimes just the sound of a voice will remind me of that.
And we should all be so fortunate as to have people who want us to visit more often.
If you can find it in your heart to do it, when they have begun the 'bombardment', say something like this:
"Please forgive me for disappointing you, it was not my intention to hurt you."
And the pleasantly go on speaking of other things. If they go back to the topic, say it Again. And Again, as long as they bring it up. Don't you bring it up again. And change the subject each time right after you've said it.
I'm guessing you'll be going through this exchange a few times, but hopefully sooner or later they will accept what you're saying.
You know, in every relationship in our lives, we inevitably fall short of the other person's expectations. It can be such a healing step to ask for forgiveness.
(BTW, I'm certainly not judging you....)
Macrina it would be so nice if I could find it in my heart to say something nice like that. I do have many moments where I feel compassionate/loving but I think in the middle of being bombarded I would be very surprised if I could manage to feel that way.
I am already getting texts from my mother questioning whether I care about them do I not care to see them etc so via text it may be easier to feel and show compassion and acknowledge their disappointment.
(and yes I can feel you're not judging me, thank you. I know it's hard to not judge and just give advice on a topic like this - we all have deep rooted beliefs as to what is family and how we should treat them, etc. I haven't figured out where *I* fall and what I feel I just know I've needed some time away - and if I can at least handle the questions without getting angry/defensive it's only going to help.)
Just smile and say you have been very busy and you are glad to spend quality time with them. Stress the quality over quantity.
Say...I'm so glad we get to spend quality time together. It really makes me treasure the time we spend together, because we aren't in each other's pockets all the time.
This is really nice Meyerland - it puts the emphasis on the time we do have versus the time we don't.
Can you say something specific, like "Since my job promotion I have had to work a lot more weekends" (or I have had many more responsibilities, more paperwork, whatever) or "Now that I am volunteering for Save the Whales (whatever) it is difficult to find time to do everything that I want to do" or "I'm taking a college class which takes up a lot of my free time" or something else that is the truth (even if you have to stretch it a little)?
I can try to find a few things, yes...
I think sometimes I feel guilty because some of these things are hobbies (e.g., dance) that I know are not "good enough" reasons, you know? I wish I could tell them 2 nights a week I'm in x town for dancing but I bet they would think "oh so you can drive an hour to go dancing but not come see us." And I know they would view it as low priority so if they knew that's what I was doing those 2 nights if something came up they would expect that it would/should be easy to drop.
But I do like the suggestion and *will* make a list.
"I'm just feeling the need for a lot of solitude lately. I don't know why, I'm sure it's just a phase and then I will be back to a more regular schedule. So how was your fall/Halloween/etc."
It offers a surface answer, a hint of future visits without exact promises, and redirection. If the questions continue, you could add in, "I'm sure most people in their [whatever age you are] go through this." They will either agree or start reminiscing of their past, in which you can then redirect the conversation by asking them specifics in their recollections.
I love this crazy because there's so much truth in this.
There's truth to all the other suggestions too - it's a combination of all these things (having things to do, not wanting to hurt them, etc.) - but it is primarily a need for a lot of solitude.
Thank you.
I just wanted to add...I love that you also say about "I will be back to a more regular schedule" because I *am* trying to get back to that place.
Last edited by ginan; 11-06-2015 at 06:32 AM..
Reason: wanted to add re: back to schedule suggestion
Macrina it would be so nice if I could find it in my heart to say something nice like that. I do have many moments where I feel compassionate/loving but I think in the middle of being bombarded I would be very surprised if I could manage to feel that way.
I am already getting texts from my mother questioning whether I care about them do I not care to see them etc so via text it may be easier to feel and show compassion and acknowledge their disappointment.
(and yes I can feel you're not judging me, thank you. I know it's hard to not judge and just give advice on a topic like this - we all have deep rooted beliefs as to what is family and how we should treat them, etc. I haven't figured out where *I* fall and what I feel I just know I've needed some time away - and if I can at least handle the questions without getting angry/defensive it's only going to help.)
It's obvious that you are VERY CONFLICTED about your relationship with your parents and aren't even sure where your own needs fall in the priority ranking of your life. I really think some personal therapy would do you good to sort out these feelings.
Then you will have a better idea of how to handle to root of the problem and wouldn't need these phrases that are only going to let you kick the can down the road, so to speak.
If something is bothering you than talk to them about it. You said it yourself that they are nice people so I don't get what's so tortuous about spending time with them. These people raised you and love you and I can understand why they're hurt that you avoid them. Everyone is busy and I don't think it's reasonable to expect a grown child to see their parents every day or even every week but sometimes being a grown up means doing things you don't necessarily feel like doing. Saying "I don't feel like visiting or being visited" is a selfish and immature reason to hurt people that obviously love you and want to be part of your life.
I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it.
I don't even know where I fall with all the different things I'm feeling.
Last thing I want to do is explore it with them.
Honestly, I understand that it's confusing for them. And that it hurts.
And it may very well be selfish and immature, I don't know.
As far as what being a grown up means, the other side of that is that sometimes it is also figuring out who you are - and being OK with that - even if others don't agree with your "version" or choices.
In the midst of trying to figure out all these things...
I just know I need some time away whatever the reasons may be and I am trying to find a way to explain it that will allow me to keep my privacy but give them some sort of explanation so know they know I am "here" until I can find my way "back."
"I'm happy to be here now and would love to fill this visit with fun (or love?) instead of disagreements. Now, what have you been doing in the garden?" Or otherwise change the subject.
This is nice too. Keeps it in the positive.
Thank you Murk.
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