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Over the last 2 years i have been with issues pertaining to my now 13 year old daughter i thought some of the issues were due to her being a preteen but i don't think so anymore. 7 years ago her father and i split up when through a very nasty custody battle well over time things got better well at least i thought they did we moved a year ago into the same town as her father i thought he would be happy our kids were closer to him well instead he has taken this opportunity to try and destroy my relationship with our kids by telling them i shouldn't be working, i'm a bad mom, i love their new sibling more then them, i don't want them anymore since i have a new child, him and his wife have even told her she couldn't have certain expensive items unless she comes to live with them which they have done this with our 9yr old and he has gone as far as false reporting me to dfs all plus more to turn our kids against me all with the help of his wife. Well it has worked when it comes to my 13 yr old she is completely disrespectful to me tells me she wants to live with her dad not me she hates me etc. I've tried telling and showing her how much i love her and want her 95% of the lies her dad and stepmom have said to her about me i have had to literally prove they were lies. I thought our relationship was starting to get better so on her 13th bday i threw her a huge party spent over $500 on her well all i have gotten is more trash talking from the ex and his wife, both trying to get me into physical altercations with them my daughter telling them lies on me to get fights started or even attention and does the same with me. I have tried have talks with her to find whats wrong and how to fix it when we have had discussions it starts out very bad her telling me she hates me her dad can care for her better then me i don't love her then after all the hate she cries and tells me all the negative things they say to her about me and her 2 sisters that aren't his and all the negative things they do and say to her. I am lost i'm to the point i want to just give up and give her to him but i can't because she is my daughter and i love her and want her more then words can describe. Can someone please help me i dont want to lose my daughter i want my relationship i had with her back she and i were extremely close she never treated me like this until 2 years ago i've done everything i can think of to fix this and nothing has worked and i know she is dealing with something heavy cause she has threatened to kill herself and threatened to runaway and if she hears any fighting between me the ex and his wife she gets in the middle to make us stop which always come back as i am the bad parent none of this is healthy and our kids don't need any of this i am lost please help me
Your daughter is at an age where she's starting to question your authority and to see how she can stand up to you or talk back to you.
My guess is that she's playing you and your ex against each other. She tells you she's miserable and wants to live with him. She probably tells him she can't stand being at his house and that you understand her better than he does. She wants what any other 13 year old wants, to get her own way all the time. Unlike some 13 year olds whose parents work together to keep the kid from manipulating them, you don't have the relationship with your ex to actually discuss your daughter's behavior and figure out how the two of you can work together to defuse the situation. Maybe that's something you can work on, but maybe not.
In the meantime, quit doing things like spending $500 on her birthday party to show her that you care. You're showing your weakness, that you're desperate to buy her love. Spend some money on counseling for her instead...I would hope with the threats that she's been making, that she's in some sort of counseling already.
I don't know if you can speak to an attorney about all this bashing he is doing about you to his daughter.
I also agree to stop buying love. Go do some counseling together or have her go to counseling alone. Tough it out if you can, ignore her outbursts, when she says you don't love her just say "that's not true, of course I love you" and don't go into long explanations because she'll go back to dad so he can dissect everything you do/say. I definitely think because of false reports and so on not only should you be in therapy with her, but that you should speak to an attorney.
Funny when my brother did this my mom sent him to live with his dad, he QUICKLY found out how wrong he was. My dad was tougher than my mom. He tried to come back right away he was told nope, he has to deal for now lol. When my mom did let him return he definitely changed his tune.
Family counselor. If you cannot afford family counseling or don't know where to turn to find help; start with your daughter's guidance counselor at her school.
Thank you for your advice she is in therapy and when progress is made something happens and she goes right back to where she was in the beginning. I have contacted an attorney and I am paying to have things changed in our custody agreement because of all of this it's just going to take a minute to get into court cause of the attorney fees. I just don't know how much tougher to get cause I have taken all luxury from her. By doing this what I take from her she tells her dad and he gives her what I take away for example cellphone I took that away he went out and bought her a $600 phone which she is not to use to contact me or let me go through to see who she is talking to and what she is talking about. I have threatened her with boot camp for troubled teens and I will be speaking with my attorney to see what he thinks of doing that. Thank you again for your advice.
Thank you for your advice she is in therapy and when progress is made something happens and she goes right back to where she was in the beginning. I have contacted an attorney and I am paying to have things changed in our custody agreement because of all of this it's just going to take a minute to get into court cause of the attorney fees. I just don't know how much tougher to get cause I have taken all luxury from her. By doing this what I take from her she tells her dad and he gives her what I take away for example cellphone I took that away he went out and bought her a $600 phone which she is not to use to contact me or let me go through to see who she is talking to and what she is talking about. I have threatened her with boot camp for troubled teens and I will be speaking with my attorney to see what he thinks of doing that. Thank you again for your advice.
You all need to be in therapy. It sounds like your husband and you have quite a few emotional problems, and your daughter has suffered because of that.
Trust me, this is not just a "teenage daughter problem."
Over the last 2 years i have been with issues pertaining to my now 13 year old daughter i thought some of the issues were due to her being a preteen but i don't think so anymore. 7 years ago her father and i split up when through a very nasty custody battle well over time things got better well at least i thought they did we moved a year ago into the same town as her father i thought he would be happy our kids were closer to him well instead he has taken this opportunity to try and destroy my relationship with our kids by telling them i shouldn't be working, i'm a bad mom, i love their new sibling more then them, i don't want them anymore since i have a new child, him and his wife have even told her she couldn't have certain expensive items unless she comes to live with them which they have done this with our 9yr old and he has gone as far as false reporting me to dfs all plus more to turn our kids against me all with the help of his wife. Well it has worked when it comes to my 13 yr old she is completely disrespectful to me tells me she wants to live with her dad not me she hates me etc. I've tried telling and showing her how much i love her and want her 95% of the lies her dad and stepmom have said to her about me i have had to literally prove they were lies. I thought our relationship was starting to get better so on her 13th bday i threw her a huge party spent over $500 on her well all i have gotten is more trash talking from the ex and his wife, both trying to get me into physical altercations with them my daughter telling them lies on me to get fights started or even attention and does the same with me. I have tried have talks with her to find whats wrong and how to fix it when we have had discussions it starts out very bad her telling me she hates me her dad can care for her better then me i don't love her then after all the hate she cries and tells me all the negative things they say to her about me and her 2 sisters that aren't his and all the negative things they do and say to her. I am lost i'm to the point i want to just give up and give her to him but i can't because she is my daughter and i love her and want her more then words can describe. Can someone please help me i dont want to lose my daughter i want my relationship i had with her back she and i were extremely close she never treated me like this until 2 years ago i've done everything i can think of to fix this and nothing has worked and i know she is dealing with something heavy cause she has threatened to kill herself and threatened to runaway and if she hears any fighting between me the ex and his wife she gets in the middle to make us stop which always come back as i am the bad parent none of this is healthy and our kids don't need any of this i am lost please help me
Some things have to be fixed with time. One of them is immaturity. Let her go live with her dad, and you just keep your mouth shut. Don't reciprocate against the ex-husband in kind and trash talk him. You aren't going to lose your daughter. Remember the old saying.... "If you love something, let it go.... etc. etc..
Work it out and let her see the other side of the coin. She's 13 for crying out loud. She'll grow up. Have you ever considered the possibility she might be manipulating you too with this whole hostility situation? She got a $500 dollar party on your guilty feelings for one thing.... kids will do stuff like this.
I think you should let her go and let her choose who she wants to be with. It will be hard to set your feelings aside, but I think not only will time apart help you and her heal and clear your minds, but if she goes with him, she could get things in perspective and realize that she does want and need you too and she'll go back to you. Don't let her think you need her because the truth is that she needs you, all girls need their moms but not all moms need their daughters. You're a strong, independent woman and she's a little girl; don't get on her level, as the parent, you're on top.
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