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Of course not! But think about this. If you restrict him, you are sending a message that is the opposite of growing into a self assured young man. You are giving him the message that he is not ok the way he is. So let's sleeping with stuffed animals. No one is ever going to see that. It is his bedroom, and he should be in charge of his sleeping comfort.
I would seek not so much to deny his interest in toys but to see what other interests can be added. If he in, in fact, immature, recognize that that is no crime. His self esteem needs enCOURAGEment. There is a book called "Disciple for Life" which has a great section on self esteem, even if the rest of the book is probably not applicable to you. It talks about refining the way we, as parents, support self esteem away from the praise model. She is the one who brought out the word "courage" in "encouragement" for me. It rang like a bell. It takes courage to say to oneself, I am fine just the way I am. If I need to decide to make different choices to achieve different outcomes, then that is for ME to do. that is a very powerful bit of courage!
Not a fan of your Dad's tactics. And if you were to head on over to the marriage board I also frequent, you will see a lot of men who were raised like this are lost in this brave new world of gender equality, emotional expression and the like. I imagine you want to him to grow up to be the best HIM. Not some parody of a "man".
Shame is a ****tastic motivation. It may be able to change behavior momentarily. But it does nothing to help a young person grow into a more mature and confident young man. It is more likely to make him brittle because he has to hide himself instead of becoming his best seld.
I had a conversation with my 14 year old. "I'm a gamer. I'm not a jock. That is who I am. I am good with that." (We live in a very jock friendly town.) Not 2 or 3 years ago, I worried about his maturity as well. So ye's he is younger than your son, yes. But at 14, when the jocks make fun of him for being a "gamer", he laughs and says "at least I'm not a douche". When they make fun of him for being brainy, he quotes Stand and Deliver, "tough guys don't do math, tough guys deep fry chicken for a living". You know what? His friends know he plays with Legos. His friends know he plays Magic the Gathering. They play it with him because there are other boys JUST LIKE HIM. There are other boys like your son too. He may need help to find his tribe. Find the balance between accepting who he is and developing all he can become.
While the other boys are playing basketball and soccer, my son is studying Brazilian Jui Jitsu. The jocks don't mess with him or his tribe because he could put any one of them in a rear naked choke in minutes. Do they poke fun at his Anime t-shirts? Sure. He makes fun of their preppy wear. And they all just pass each other in the corridor with very little conflict.
So who IS you son and what does he want to be? Does he want to be a martial artist bad ass? A musician. My son also plays a mean piano. I mean, how "gay" (not being disparaging to homosexuals though I guess I really am. Trying to use the vernacular of the disparagement this family denies) is that? If we, as parents, can encourage the best in our children where they are at, then they can have the confidence to say to the bully, f you and the horse you rode in on. This is who I am, and I am good with that.
IF he has some underlying reason that this cannot be achieved, be it divorce or something completely else, professional help may be appropriate.
He cannot let on what he doesn't know. At 47, I still did not know how my father's death affected me until years later. We don't always know.
I guess then the action you need to take is to draw out of him what activities are worth it to HiM to venture forth.
Really excellent post. Hats off to you. OP, please read and reread this post if you really want answers to dealing with your son. It isn't the direction you hoped to be advised on, but it's the right one.
Oh OP. Another book to consider is The Wonder of Boys. I don't even remember exactly why I loved it. But it did bring home the idea of finding YOUR tribe. Vs being another lemming who has to hide himself in the sea of other "normal" boys.
Your son is not you, he is his own person, so try and understand that. Your posts make me very sad for your son. You sound so disappointed in him for nothing!! Because he isn't the person YOU want him to be. How is he going to get self confidence if his own father is disappointed in something so trivial?
This is how the OP comes across to me also. And, while I can understand not wanting his son to experience the type of cruelty he did, the best thing he can do is to give that son a safe spot to be himself. At home.
To be honest, I'd rather have a 14-year-old who plays with Legos and reads books than one who's experimenting with tobacco/alcohol/drugs or having sex.
He'll probably grow out of it soon enough. Maybe he won't. If he is socially awkward (not saying he is or isn't because I don't know him), there's really nothing you can do about it.
Also, have you thought about...err..."weaning" him up to older toys? Instead of refusing to buy him toys when you know that he's interested in them, maybe you could buy toys for a slightly higher age group. For example, you could buy that Millenium Falcon Lego set or another more advanced Lego set. Maybe a remote control helicopter...even grown men love those things. For stuffed animals, maybe more realistic-looking stuffed animals (sharks, dinosaurs, whatever) instead of more "babyish" ones? Then, he's still getting what he wants (kind of), but a slightly more grown-up version?
And some people dress up in animal costumes and have sex with each other (furries...). That's the kind of perverse stuff I am trying to head off. I don't think this is normal. I have several good friends all my age who have similar aged kids, they all think it's weird too. That and some other mannerisms anyway.
I just want him to not be a social outcast.
I'm not creating a problem. I am really not actively pressuring him to stop, I just refuse to buy him toys anymore.
I'm sure that part will work itself out eventually.
He can be, it's not like I am actively pressuring him about it
At some point growing up is necessary. Being embarrassed by your kid is a sign of immaturity, and you should start growing out of that now. It will benefit your son if you grow up and act like a dad and less like his friend.
All my kids still play with their stuffed animals, and figures. We also play video games as a family and have a blast. ( two in college and one in Jr. High) I could care less what my kids do in their private lives, doesn't reflect on me. If they want to date they will, if they don't they won't. Why would their personal life be any of my business? If they don't have a problem with it and come to me for help there is no problem, unless of course I decided to make one. Don't make a problem that doesn't exist. Busy yourself, I'm sure you have things you need to work on. That way you wont have time to be embarrassed by who your kid is becoming.
P.S. He probably won't be like you, mine are nothing like me. Don't worry, we all learn to grow up as parents, it's hard.
He has a couple friends at school, I have met 2 of them. Last year, he had a sleepover...
Our son had a friend in high school who was exactly the way you describe your son. He was simply an introvert. A brilliant kid who went on to do great things.
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He does not have any friends in the neighborhood, for reasons I do not know. We live in a normal subdivision in suburbia. Clean, safe, has a neighborhood pool and playground...
But if he lives with his mother on weekends, the summer and for holidays, he probably doesn't meet that many kids in your neighborhood.
Being the only child of divorce is not easy. My youngest brother was the last one at home when my parents divorced. From all outward appearances he seemed fine. Don't underestimate how hard this is on a kid while growing up.
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