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If these kinds of things bother you, don't ever volunteer to be a caregiver for aging parents. My almost-90-year-old mother lives with me and she behaves EXACTLY the same way. I've come to the conclusion that the inability to comprehend cause and effect, the lack of caring about one's surrounds, the problems with understanding time, lack of interest in things you care about, behavior inconsistencies, etc., are functions of the human brain — which is not yet full-grown in a teen and is deteriorating in an aged person. At some point, their behaviors are going to overlap.
He's smart, but gets average grades (underperforms, does not apply himself)
Has a chronic problem picking up after himself
Has a chronic problem doing chores
Has a chronic problem doing chores correctly when he does them
Has little ambition, no direction
Likes to play video games and watch you tube on the computer, does little else
Average grades aren't bad.
Most teens have problems doing chores.
Most teens are lazy about doing chores correctly.
He's 15-what kind of direction do you want him to have?
Most teens like to play video games and watch YouTube videos.
So far I see a pretty normal teen boy.
If he doesn't do what he is supposed to do in the morning make him do it when you get home. If he lets the milk spoil make him pay for it from his own funds. Most teens don't do chores until someone makes them. That's totally normal. It's your job to teach him that when you ask for something to be done it should get done. Since you haven't been doing that it might take a while.
Have you considered offering incentives for doing things without being prompted? Have you considered leaving him a visual reminder of what needs to be done? Most parents use rewards charts for younger kids but you could use one with a teenager.
Just yelling at him isn't going to fix the problem.
I would send him to boot camp! If he complains about basic chores, then he needs a taste of "real discipline"!
Boot camp!
Quote:
Originally Posted by CubsFan20
I have been going through this thing with my son for a couple years, some behaviors which have gotten progressively worse, and I am about at my wits end with how to deal with it. I'm a single father who has primary custody, his mom has him about every other weekend and some on "holiday breaks" and stuff, we live in the same town, been divorced for about 6 years and are amicable.
He's smart, but gets average grades (underperforms, does not apply himself)
Has a chronic problem picking up after himself
Has a chronic problem doing chores
Has a chronic problem doing chores correctly when he does them
Has little ambition, no direction
Likes to play video games and watch you tube on the computer, does little else
Basically he has a few "chores" every day which I think are completely reasonable.
1. At breakfast (he eats cereal every day) put the milk back in the fridge, cereal in the pantry, used bowl and spoon rinse and put in the sink or dishwasher if it's empty
- 8 times out of 10, cereal box on counter, bowl left on table, sometimes milk left out
2. In the afternoon after school: bring in mail from mailbox, put shoes on shoe rack, put school stuff (backpack, books, etc), clean up after yourself if you make a snack, do homework, empty dishwasher if it's done
- backpack in the middle of the entrance hallway, shoes in the middle of the floor, socks nearby, school clothes thrown wherever, mess from his snack everywhere. Sometimes homework not done, most days dishwasher not emptied, or dishes not put away correctly
3. At dinner: set table, clean plate and put in sink after done
4. At all times, pick up after yourself, don't leave stuff lying around
5. Clean room once a week
6. Let me know when we need food (milk, cereal, etc)
7. Do your laundry, or let me know when you need it done if I am doing laundry (he KNOWS how to do his own laundry)
Seems pretty straightforward, right?
Not so much.
Inevitably, I will come home, he's on the couch asleep. Dishes not unloaded from dishwasher, clothes, shoes and backpack in the middle of the floor. Snack trash right where he left it.
Once this behavior started, I set expectations for him, and told him there would be consequences if he did not do them.
He, of course, failed to do so. So I started taking privileges away. First Xbox, then laptop, then TV. Basically all electronics privileges. Still is not working. I have password protected ALL the computers and tablets.
He runs out of milk, runs out of clean clothes, and when he does, he goes without. I make him go to school with dirty clothes and if we are out of milk, he has to fend for himself.
His attitude is **** poor, he argues with me a lot, gives me attitude, is ingrateful, tries to make me feel responsible for his failures, and gets upset when I try to correct his shortcomings.
It came to a head last night, I had to work late, as did my long-term girlfriend who lives with us, so I didn't get home until 7pm (I let him know I would be late). I get home, he had made himself a bowl of cereal, bowl still on table, EMPTY box left on counter, MASSIVE pile of crumbs on counter, Milk left out, and now warm/spoiled (sour smelling, even though in date), dishwasher not emptied and the TV was on. This is above the whole shoes/backpack in the middle of the hallway thing that is an almost daily occurance. The first thing he says to me is "I dont have any clean clothes"
I flew off the handle, yelled at him for making such a mess, and not cleaning up, sent him to his room after that for the night. I told him if he needs clean clothes he knows how (he didn't do it, so I have no idea what he did for clothes today). And since the milk was spoiled, I dont know what he did for breakfast.
He's almost 15 and to me this is unacceptable.
I dont know what to do. I talk to other people and hear similar stories, when did this sort of behavior become accepted? I can't deal with it much longer
I have 3 boys...10 and twins 6... and it is possible he wasnt doing his chores because he knows when he doesnt do them you pay attention to him. Maybe he wants your attention and this is his way of getting it. He may also think, it doesnt matter what I do, I will get yelled out as I dont do it as good as you want. Thus why even try....it is sometimes easier not to try and give up trying to please someone, then to try every day and end up not pleasing you anyway. What motivation does he have to do his chores?
Why are today's teens excused for what amounts to absolutely wretched behavior?
I don't know ask your friends who put up with it from their kids.
Many people don't put up with it. From the time kids are tiny they are shown things at age appropriate levels and contribute to the upkeep of a home. Those kids don't get a pass until they are older and less cute. They go to college knowing how to wash their clothes, clean dishes or cook simple meals. They seek a spouse as a spouse and not a mommy replacement to pick up after them. The parents who truly put up with "absolutely wretched behavior" created the monster that sits around playing video games all day.
While on one hand I do get you OP. I would be pissed to pick up after a 15 year old like he's 4, come home to find sour milk on the counter. TV left on, stuff strewn about.
On the other hand, I feel bad for your kid. He lost the mom lottery- if truly she chose needles in her arm to her own SON. I am betting the boy has issues relating to that and needs help. His mom "loved" her addiction more then him. In other threads you do sort of mock him. Your kid is NOT you. Liking stuffies is innocent, not being "manly" enough- who cares. He should feel loved and accepted by someone (YOU). But it doesn't mean you suddenly become happy to trip over his book-bag into a crusty bowl of rancid bilk, or hire the boy a maid.
From reading through these posts OP, I have to say you remind me a lot of my dad. That is not exactly a good thing, because I hated him for a long time, basically from the time I was around 12 until I moved out at 19 and got some space from him. We still don't get along if we have to be around each other for extended periods of time. My dad is not generally a bad guy and I don't think you are really a bad guy either, both just very misguided and don't know how to parent the emotional and mental aspects of child development.
My dad always haa a good job and worked hard. He came from an abusive home, ran away at 14 and was homeless for a while. He divorced a couple times and had a son before meeting my mom. He worked his way up to upper middle class. We always had food, nice clothes, activities, we traveled a lot, he never hit us (aside from spankings), but when it came to emotional needs, frankly, he was a terrible father. He did a lot of the things you are doing. I have a lot of insecurities because of him.
He never comforted us or acknowledged our feelings. When we were little and crying, he would make a pouty face and say," oh poor babies wah wah wah" while laughing. Nothing I did was ever good enough. If I did a chore, I did it wrong, because his way is the only way. I remember him showing me the proper way to hold a washcloth when wiping off a table. He picked on my looks constantly. You pick on your son's hobbies; you probably make him shameful of his interests. I feel like he really ruined any potential I had in a variety of areas, but I was taught I wasn't good at anything. Looking back, I had a lot of potential skills and talents that I didn't develop because I was afraid of failing and not being good enough.
My dad still thinks he was an awesome dad, but really he was/is a bully. OP, you are bullying your son. I know you are doing these things with good intentions, in an effort to make him "better," but you are really just pushing him down and making him feel bad about himself. And trust me, the words you say to him today will live in his head forever and effect him the rest of his life. Stop it while you still have a chance.
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