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It's a cumulative effect of doing it day in and day out, and it's more than a few crumbs, it's a systematic lack of respect for me, and for his surroundings.
He does this to his mom too, by the way, she let's him get away with whatever he wants.
I have tried everything I can think of to get him to do what he's supposed to
Are there things which you are not doing which he feels you are "supposed" to do? It sounds like he spends a lot of time alone. Do you ever do father-son activities with him? Do you ask him about his hopes for his life and take him to places and activities he's interested in? He sounds lonely, bored and depressed.
If him getting a C on his report card or leaving crumbs on the counter is what you have to complain about, you have a very easy teenage son to deal with.
I have been going through this thing with my son for a couple years, some behaviors which have gotten progressively worse, and I am about at my wits end with how to deal with it. I'm a single father who has primary custody, his mom has him about every other weekend and some on "holiday breaks" and stuff, we live in the same town, been divorced for about 6 years and are amicable.
He's smart, but gets average grades (underperforms, does not apply himself)
Has a chronic problem picking up after himself
Has a chronic problem doing chores
Has a chronic problem doing chores correctly when he does them
Has little ambition, no direction
Likes to play video games and watch you tube on the computer, does little else
Basically he has a few "chores" every day which I think are completely reasonable.
1. At breakfast (he eats cereal every day) put the milk back in the fridge, cereal in the pantry, used bowl and spoon rinse and put in the sink or dishwasher if it's empty
- 8 times out of 10, cereal box on counter, bowl left on table, sometimes milk left out
2. In the afternoon after school: bring in mail from mailbox, put shoes on shoe rack, put school stuff (backpack, books, etc), clean up after yourself if you make a snack, do homework, empty dishwasher if it's done
- backpack in the middle of the entrance hallway, shoes in the middle of the floor, socks nearby, school clothes thrown wherever, mess from his snack everywhere. Sometimes homework not done, most days dishwasher not emptied, or dishes not put away correctly
3. At dinner: set table, clean plate and put in sink after done
4. At all times, pick up after yourself, don't leave stuff lying around
5. Clean room once a week
6. Let me know when we need food (milk, cereal, etc)
7. Do your laundry, or let me know when you need it done if I am doing laundry (he KNOWS how to do his own laundry)
Seems pretty straightforward, right?
Not so much.
Inevitably, I will come home, he's on the couch asleep. Dishes not unloaded from dishwasher, clothes, shoes and backpack in the middle of the floor. Snack trash right where he left it.
Once this behavior started, I set expectations for him, and told him there would be consequences if he did not do them.
He, of course, failed to do so. So I started taking privileges away. First Xbox, then laptop, then TV. Basically all electronics privileges. Still is not working. I have password protected ALL the computers and tablets.
He runs out of milk, runs out of clean clothes, and when he does, he goes without. I make him go to school with dirty clothes and if we are out of milk, he has to fend for himself.
His attitude is **** poor, he argues with me a lot, gives me attitude, is ingrateful, tries to make me feel responsible for his failures, and gets upset when I try to correct his shortcomings.
It came to a head last night, I had to work late, as did my long-term girlfriend who lives with us, so I didn't get home until 7pm (I let him know I would be late). I get home, he had made himself a bowl of cereal, bowl still on table, EMPTY box left on counter, MASSIVE pile of crumbs on counter, Milk left out, and now warm/spoiled (sour smelling, even though in date), dishwasher not emptied and the TV was on. This is above the whole shoes/backpack in the middle of the hallway thing that is an almost daily occurance. The first thing he says to me is "I dont have any clean clothes"
I flew off the handle, yelled at him for making such a mess, and not cleaning up, sent him to his room after that for the night. I told him if he needs clean clothes he knows how (he didn't do it, so I have no idea what he did for clothes today). And since the milk was spoiled, I dont know what he did for breakfast.
He's almost 15 and to me this is unacceptable.
I dont know what to do. I talk to other people and hear similar stories, when did this sort of behavior become accepted? I can't deal with it much longer
Sounds like a normal kid for the most part.
One thing I picked up on in this initial post was you have a live-in GF who is most likely not his step mom and most likely plays no real part in his life other than being there; most likely as a friend. What standards do you hold her to? Your son sees all.
Does mom have a live-in BF?
Do you play the part of friend or parent? The live-in GF aspect makes me think "friend".
I have seen many instances when a parent has a love interest other than the kid's other parent which makes the kid-parent relationship tough on the kid as the emphasis is on the outsider rather than the kid. The kid knows he/she comes second and acts out because of so.
Single parent households are rife with this. Single moms try to juggle a job, one or more BFs as well as kids and a household. The kids get confused.
Put yourself in his shoes.
I have seen many instances when a parent has a love interest other than the kid's other parent which makes the kid-parent relationship tough on the kid as the emphasis is on the outsider rather than the kid. The kid knows he/she comes second and acts out because of so.
Single parent households are rife with this. Single moms try to juggle a job, one or more BFs as well as kids and a household. The kids get confused.
Put yourself in his shoes.
I think your frustration is justified and your expectations are reasonable. (mostly) I also know that middle school/high school are EXHAUSTING. EX.HAUST.ING.
Children often regress when a traumatic event occurs. Your son is trying to tell you that he wants someone to take care of him.
Read the Five Languages of Love....He is asking for acts of service. He wants someone to pour his cereal, eat breakfast with him, put clean clothes in his drawer, and give him his nuclear family back.
I'm not saying he isn't capable of the things you are asking. He is. And of course if his mom still lived with him, she would probably have similar expectations of him taking care of his own stuff. But his heart is still broken. You may have recovered from divorce and moved on, but he hasn't.
My youngest is a lot like this. My mother never waited on me (never showed much love in any way) so acts of service was not a language I spoke. I basically had to suck it up and learn that the gesture of making meals meant a lot more to her than just being fed. Eventually it was repaid by an improved attitude
IMHO...he needs to spend more time with his own mother. Why the limited visitation? And you need to give him some more TLC.
Does he know what "chores" are or where the stuff to do "chores" is???
He does.
He has done chores before - we did chore charts with rewards (both monetary and activity). During the summer when they are not in school my kids each had a couple chores per day that they had to do while they were home (those were not rewarded - their reward was getting to do whatever they wanted the rest of the day once the chores were done).
Over the years he has learned how to vacuum, clean a bathroom, empty/load the dishwasher, Swiffer the hardwood floors, change sheets on a bed, do laundry (including folding and putting away), clean mirrors and windows, declutter his room, as well as all the little things that need to be done around the house.
Typically he does those things when I'm cleaning the house and want help - i.e., I'll clean the main bathroom while he cleans the half-bath - but he never goes out of the way to do them without being asked.
That's why I laughed at his proposal. If he wants to do chores for money, I'll pay him. But I'm not going to go chasing after him to do them when it was his idea and he didn't follow through.
I don't get this idea that somehow teenagers are excused from doing anything except existing
I didn't purposely leave things a mess - I just didn't THINK about it. It wasn't part of my consciousness that my stuff was creating a mess.
No, I did not have many responsibilities other than going to school, staying off drugs, and not breaking the law. I did do some chores on the weekends, but it was when my mom was cleaning the whole house and wanted help.
My kids are messy - they come home and throw their stuff all over the kitchen. And when I come home I simply tell them, "Okay kids, come put away your stuff before your dad gets home!" and they come and put away their sweatshirts and shoes and backpacks and school books that are laying all over the floors and counters. It takes 3 seconds for me to make my request, and 2 minutes for them to put their stuff away. To me, it's not a big deal that they don't do it on their own, because I know that I was like that when I was their age, and I know that they most likely don't even realize things are a mess because it's not what their brain chooses to pay attention to.
Children often regress when a traumatic event occurs. Your son is trying to tell you that he wants someone to take care of him.
His wants and needs are 2 different things. I am and always have provided for his needs. I am there for him emotionally when he needs it. I am also a working single dad trying to provide for him. As such, I cannot be there for him all the time.
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Read the Five Languages of Love....He is asking for acts of service. He wants someone to pour his cereal, eat breakfast with him, put clean clothes in his drawer, and give him his nuclear family back.
Sorry, logistics what they are, I cannot do that. Like I said, I have to leave for work before he is up and eats. Neither is the Girlfriend. And as an almost 15 year old, i'm sorry, but i'm not pouring his cereal or putting his laundry away
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I'm not saying he isn't capable of the things you are asking. He is. And of course if his mom still lived with him, she would probably have similar expectations of him taking care of his own stuff. But his heart is still broken. You may have recovered from divorce and moved on, but he hasn't.
And if this is the case, i'm not sure what I can do about it. I'm trying to "give him back" a nuclear family by having a loving girlfriend who also loves him and can be a "mother figure" of sorts.
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My youngest is a lot like this. My mother never waited on me (never showed much love in any way) so acts of service was not a language I spoke. I basically had to suck it up and learn that the gesture of making meals meant a lot more to her than just being fed. Eventually it was repaid by an improved attitude
Ok
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IMHO...he needs to spend more time with his own mother. Why the limited visitation? And you need to give him some more TLC.
Without going into too many details, she was really not ready to be a mother. She got pregnant at 23, we got married because of him (I know...) before he was born. We were both young and foolish, thought we could handle it. Things between me and her were great, we had been living together for about a year and a half, dating 3 years (we met in college). Immediately when he was born, she had post-pardom depression. This turned into her losing her job, which led to more depression. She got into a car accident on the way home from a part time job she held. This led to her becoming addicted to perscription pain killers and eventually heroin. She was actually convicted of perscription drug fraud (cant remember the exact charge) for altering a script to try to get more pills than she was allowed. My son was really not aware that all of this was happening, she was never the best mother, I mean from a loving and caring perspective. I was there for him more often than her.
I had eventually had enough, and divorced her, she went in and out of rehab a couple times and it's my understanding she is clean now, for a couple years. So that's why I have primary custody. She was only allowed supervised visitation the first couple years after the divorce because she was still a user and I did not want him exposed to it since he was older.
CubsFan20, I feel ya 100%!!! I have an 18 yo son who sounds exactly like yours, even started around the same age. I don't even have any advice because I certainly don't have it figured out. But I wanted you to know that you are not the only dad that feels that way. I feel like I cannot have any expectations of my son because he is a teenager and "that's how they are."
Trying to get him to be nice to his sisters or helpful around the house in any way is impossible. He is always taking and never giving.
It has been a serious battle between my wife and I because she never expects them to help or do for themselves. She is also a part of the "normal teenager" crowd. At this point, I am just trying to focus on the good stuff and ride it out until he goes to college. Luckily, outside of the home he is doing well. Gets decent grades without much effort, is focused on baseball and has stayed out of trouble.
But it worries me that we have failed to teach him responsibility and work ethic needed to succeed and that when it is time to step up and be an adult, he won't be ready.
Anyways, I feel your pain brother! Good luck!
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