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Is he upset me and his mom got divorced? Maybe, but that's water under the bridge.
This is the lovely fiction people sell themselves when it comes to breaking up their families and denying the impact it has on kids. You don't want to take any responsibility for destroying his world/family but you expect him to act like a little robot and just "get over it" and "be normal" or whatever.
This happens over and over and over and the parents blame the children.
It's sick and twisted.
I suggest you guys do some family therapy together.
I hear what you are saying, but looking back at my own life, I was taught responsibility at an early age.
Actually, the time to learn it was starting when he was about 2 or 3. You are actually BEHIND the curve. AND have established a LOT of negative baggage.
Actually, the time to learn it was starting when he was about 2 or 3. You are actually BEHIND the curve. AND have established a LOT of negative baggage.
I agree, a lot of baggage you are not forcing your son to deal with. If you really want to make your life with your son better, look into yourself and find out why you lack empathy for him. That's step one.
Let me also throw it back at the group, do you let your kids get away with being slobs like this? If not, what did YOU do to fix the problem.
Well for one thing, I never had hateful anger for my kids like you clearly do. It almost seems like you are personally affronted that he is playing you for some kind of a sucker rather than simply dealing with the discipline framework that it was your responsibility to provide.
Cereal is not a 15yo problem. Dishes and milk are not 15yo problems. Those are 3 and 4 year old problems. When you can say, Oh well I guess you are not responsible enough for cereal. We will try again in a few weeks and see if you are responsible enough to put your things away when you are done. When you are responsible enough to take care of things, then you can have the freedom to have them.
When they are raised from preschool age understanding that they are responsible (and most preschoolers take PRIDE in that fact which drives their future behavior), things like dishwashers just fall into place. They get the connection between freedom and responsibility for the rest of their lives.
On top of what sounds like a highly embattled battled discipline framework based almost entirely on punishment and anger, a hefty helping of divorce and new girlfriend, and I really have to reiterate the family counseling recommendation.
Geez why are you trying to turn your son into a girl ????
So asking him to unload the dishwasher once a day and to put his USED dishes in the dishwasher and picking up after himself is me trying to turn him into a girl? Really???
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He's a typical teenager.
He may be, I hear similar stories about slovenly kids from co-workers too. But i'm not excusing it
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Give him some manly chores to do instead of trying to put an apron on him, and for Pete's sake stop nagging him like some disgruntled woman.
When I do yardwork, I ask him for help and he doesn't want to do it either, it's not worth the effort because he will do it half right
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Try helping your son with the chores and do them together. Kids deserve to feel like they're taken care of and by doing these things for him he may actually feel like he's loved and appreciated instead of feeling like the unwanted step child.
Helping him pick up after his mess isnt happening, helping him unload the dishwasher isnt happening, as it is, more often than not he puts things back incorrectly and I have to for the 50,000th time show him where stuff belongs. He's only been doing this since he was 7. Plus it's supposed to be done by the time I get home
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Stay with him while he eats his breakfast and take his bowl and rinse it. Ask him to put the cereal and milk away while you put the bowl in the dish washer.
I leave for work before he eats, so that's not an option. He rides the bus to school
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Thank him for helping. It's your duty as his father to take care of him.
I do do both of those things.
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You should be doing his laundry with him as a team. Have him fold it and put it away. Sending him to school with dirty clothes on makes you look like a neglectful father and sends a message that you really don't care about his well being to him. I've yet to see many teens that were neat and tidy. He may never live up to your standard, but that doesn't mean that you stop taking care of him. Remember that the way you treat him now will surely reflect back on you in your old age.
Schedules sometimes prevent us from doing laundry together. As it is, I do his laundry FOR HIM a good percentage of the time anyway
WHY? That's nuts. Mom and Dad are supposed to clean up behind the little slugs?
Why? Because it is what it is. Most teens are somewhat sloppy or don't pick up. No parents aren't supposed to pick up after them. But this is a very, very common issue parents with teens face. It's aggravating, but it isn't unusual.
This is the lovely fiction people sell themselves when it comes to breaking up their families and denying the impact it has on kids. You don't want to take any responsibility for destroying his world/family but you expect him to act like a little robot and just "get over it" and "be normal" or whatever.
This happens over and over and over and the parents blame the children.
It's sick and twisted.
I suggest you guys do some family therapy together.
His mom decided that heroin was more important than raising a family. That's the primary reason I have custody.
I didn't sign up to do this alone, to say it wasn't a struggle his entire life would be a lie.
Are you sure you're not looking back on your teen years with rose-colored glasses? I know I was a slob and I have a very clear memory of my father being super pi$$ed at me once when I'd been home all day in the summer and hadn't washed the dishes. I'm sure he was angry more than once, but he gave me an a$$-chewing that day. I also remember how exasperated he'd get with my brother for making a sandwich and leaving the bread open. We're both neat and responsible people today.
Your son is just 14 and will grow up LOTS in the next 4 years. You won't be able to believe how much. He may or may not be completely ready to live on his own at 18, but don't despair that he's never going to learn to be responsible. He's working on it.
And no matter how he acts when you're talking to him, he's listening and watching what you do. He does care what you say and what you think of him. Encourage him and empower him when you talk to him. Don't drag him down. Praise him for his hard work when he brings home a good report card. Tell him you know that you're hard on him but that's because you know he's capable of doing a lot of great things. Tell him we all screw up but you love him no matter what. Even if you lose your temper and yell, make sure and tell him good-night and that you love him. Start over the next day with a smile. Look for opportunities to give him a pat on the back and help him see the good in himself.
I read somewhere that the things we tell our kids are the voices they'll hear in their heads all their lives. That really stuck with me.
I do let my daughter get away with her room being a total wreck. I tell her it depresses me and shut the door when she's not home. I make her clean her bathroom when she's having someone over, but she pretty much will do that anyway. But she's a pig in there, to be honest. Like I said in my earlier post, I know I'll never look back and wish I'd bitched more. I treasure our relationship more than I treasure a clean bathroom. For the most part she cleans up after herself in the kitchen, but not all the time. So what? She makes good grades, has nice friends and her teachers like her. I try to focus on the good stuff and keep working on the other things.
And, to be clear, I am NOT a perfect parent. I have lost my temper with her many times over stupid stuff. But I do try to keep the big picture in mind.
Using the parenting example I had growing up, if I didn't pick up after myself, my mom would tell me to do it, and if I didn't or give her lip, my dad would beat my ass.
I made the decision to not include violence as part of my parenting skillset
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