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Check the guidelines for NY so you know what you are talking about.
Avoid lawyers and courts at all costs.
IF you have any dialogue with your ex (why aren't you divorced?) you would be very well advised to sit down with her and have a calm conversation. Lay it out: this is what I make, this is what I currently pay (including all of the "extras" which, if it goes to court, the judge will likely ignoire). This is what she makes, and this is what she pays. Find out what her "issue" is (in a polite way) and find a compromise.
If you engage lawyers, you are going to spend tens of thousands just to get a custody agreement and a child support agreement. Especially in your part of the world. Think about that before you balk at whatever it is that your wife is requesting.
The judge is going to look at your income for the past three years or so, take the average, and compare it with the "guidelines" as to what you should be paying. With no current agreement, I can't speak to arrears, but if he wants to, I am sure he can make you pay them. You MIGHT be able to argue that she makes more than you, and she should be taking the higher burden as regards the children, but it will cost thousands to hash that out in court, which will first order mediation, and then come back to hear your pleas if mediation is not successful. The judge will tell you that neither of you will be happy when he ORDERS your payment and visitation schedule, because when you have a conflict you are technically in violation of a court order, and a scorned spouse will jump all over that. My experience ten years ago was that every motion was about a $15,000 experience. More if there is forensic accounting involved as to what you/she make, and even more if she gets all nasty and says you aren't fit--which means the judge will order a psychiatric evaluation for you and the family, for which you will pay.
Get it sorted out with the spouse. Avoid the courts and the lawyers if at all possible. You might end up paying slightly more just to ease the process, but it will mean nothing compared to the hell of involving the courts.
Good luck. Been there. Ex's first request to the court was for support equal to three times what I was then making. The judge "settled" it for us at 100% !!! Try swallowing THAT outcome. It is VERY distasteful.
So my ex and I have been living separate since September of 2014. Since that time I have visited her every weekend (minus one for a trip) including holidays and for parent teacher conferences. I pay 17% of my take home to my ex. No court order, no custody agreement.
Now, she is exploring a mediator to get more money. In addition to the 17%, I pay for some of the clothes, food, entertainment, birthday presents for my daughters friends parties, special events. I make about half what she makes.
She is stating its 17% plus childcare which she goes to pre K at around 500 per month. My fear is that they are going to find that I need to pay 250 in arrears which could be close to 3 or 4k. I'm already at the breaking point debt wise and if this happens, I would need to file for bankruptcy to clear debts.
I want to do right by my child, but I feel like 17% plus child care plus all the money I spend every weekend when I'm with her would be impossible given my salary.
Any tips on how this will play out and what I can do to ensure that my daughter is covered, but I get a fair deal in this?
I can't speak for NY, but 17% of your TAKE HOME is actually already a pretty good deal for you (by comparison). The general "standard" is 17% of your GROSS (plus insurance)...and you're still the one who pays the taxes on it.
***MASSIVE "I'm not a lawyer" disclaimer*** -
Spoiler
My personal advice would be to have a conversation with your ex (assuming you haven't done so already), explaining that you don't think that what she is expecting isn't possible/reasonable. Assuming that goes nowhere (and it probably will), let her take you to court/mediation. Let her spend whatever she wants to on a lawyer. Roll over at court/mediation (because you won't get any leniency from a judge...such is the way of the world), just present your situation and take whatever they give you, which "could" very likely be 17% of your gross plus insurance, which will likely be near or slightly less than 17% of your take home + childcare. It's a very dangerous game of financial chicken, but I'd think/hope that she'd rather be content with your out-of-court agreement of 17% take-home than spend the money to go to court and get possibly less.
I can't speak for NY, but 17% of your TAKE HOME is actually already a pretty good deal for you (by comparison). The general "standard" is 17% of your GROSS (plus insurance)...and you're still the one who pays the taxes on it.
***MASSIVE "I'm not a lawyer" disclaimer*** -
Spoiler
My personal advice would be to have a conversation with your ex (assuming you haven't done so already), explaining that you don't think that what she is expecting isn't possible/reasonable. Assuming that goes nowhere (and it probably will), let her take you to court/mediation. Let her spend whatever she wants to on a lawyer. Roll over at court/mediation (because you won't get any leniency from a judge...such is the way of the world), just present your situation and take whatever they give you, which "could" very likely be 17% of your gross plus insurance, which will likely be near or slightly less than 17% of your take home + childcare. It's a very dangerous game of financial chicken, but I'd think/hope that she'd rather be content with your out-of-court agreement of 17% take-home than spend the money to go to court and get possibly less.
***END OF "I'm not a lawyer" disclaimer***
Yes, but what will happen when his ex realizes she misunderstood the NY guidelines if that's what happened.
Now maybe she knows she's shortchanging herself and is ok given he's paying other stuff. But, I am guessing she doesn't.
So, just like she has now found out that child care is a separate add on in NY, probably one day she will realize that what she calculated is less than what a judge would give her.
And, even if she is ok with it, what happens if she remarries/finds a new partner who starts whispering in her ear or pushing her to get what she's entitled to.
I am not judging, I am asking a legit question. In this day and age when most states are recognizing and encouraging 50/50 custody as being in the best interest of the child then maybe the OP should consider revisiting his custody schedule. Not only that, allowing more time with his child may also change the amount he pays in child support.
I also advised to look into a forum that specifically deals with custody and divorce issue and warned THEY would judge if he is not putting the needs of having the child as much as possible first.
New York State is very clear. There is NO connection between the time spent in visitation and the amount of child support you pay.
My ex and I have joint custody which means that all decisions are to be made jointly. That is unrelated to the schedule of who gets the kids where/when. People think that custody=visitation and it really doesn't.
It is also unrelated to the amount of child support I get.
NY has a hard and fast formula for support.
I am not convinced that the OP will be expected to pay much more than he is already paying.
I am also not convinced that the court would consider making him pay back payments. They had an 'agreement' even if it was not recognized by the courts, even if it was informal.
But I'm no expert.
Whatever happens, OP, take it like a man, don't fight with the ex over it and create family tension. You never want your daughter to feel like the tension has anything to do with her, so just don't go there.
At The same time you don't want to get screwed by the ex. You can agree to a certain deal. You said you made half that she made.
There is a formula but you and the mother can agree to any amount lower. Get it on paper.
Maybe yes, maybe no.
Its not really a legal child support agreement until it is blessed by a judge. The judge will look at it from the perspective of does it meet the best interests of the child and is it fair. Whether or not they will look at how well it measures up to the standard prescribed child support in the state of NY, I don't know.
OP needs to talk to other New Yorkers with experience in this or a lawyer to find that out.
There's a recent thread elsewhere where the mother tried to refuse child support because the ex husband couldn't afford it and the judge in another state ordered that she receive it anyway.
Yes, but what will happen when his ex realizes she misunderstood the NY guidelines if that's what happened.
Now maybe she knows she's shortchanging herself and is ok given he's paying other stuff. But, I am guessing she doesn't.
So, just like she has now found out that child care is a separate add on in NY, probably one day she will realize that what she calculated is less than what a judge would give her.
And, even if she is ok with it, what happens if she remarries/finds a new partner who starts whispering in her ear or pushing her to get what she's entitled to.
Well, she's going to get it anyway, so I'd be content to make her go through the legal hoops to get it. It'll be more than what she's currently getting, but she's already asking for more, so it doesn't really change anything. She can get a lawyer, go to court/mediation, only to find out that what she'd be awarded would be the same as what she's asking. I'd make her do it, because I'm a spiteful person.
Now, if there was a possibility to avoid any of that and continue paying what he's currently paying, I'd take it. But it doesn't sound like that's an option (seeing as she's asking for more already). So he could either a) give her more, or b) make her get a lawyer and go to court/mediation and be awarded more.
I'd choose b), knowing that there is a small possibility that the amount she's awarded is more than she's asking (though I doubt it)
Standard is usually Every other weekend. If he's getting every weekend, he's making out. Crappy yes, but better than most.
50/50 is tough to do in reality unless the parents live very close to each other. Since we don't know the OP's situation, it's tough to tell him what he should do.
That's because most parents agree to every other week, not because they can't see their child more often. He needs to state what he wants with the mediator.
So my ex and I have been living separate since September of 2014. Since that time I have visited her every weekend (minus one for a trip) including holidays and for parent teacher conferences. I pay 17% of my take home to my ex. No court order, no custody agreement.
Now, she is exploring a mediator to get more money. In addition to the 17%, I pay for some of the clothes, food, entertainment, birthday presents for my daughters friends parties, special events. I make about half what she makes.
She is stating its 17% plus childcare which she goes to pre K at around 500 per month. My fear is that they are going to find that I need to pay 250 in arrears which could be close to 3 or 4k. I'm already at the breaking point debt wise and if this happens, I would need to file for bankruptcy to clear debts.
I want to do right by my child, but I feel like 17% plus child care plus all the money I spend every weekend when I'm with her would be impossible given my salary.
Any tips on how this will play out and what I can do to ensure that my daughter is covered, but I get a fair deal in this?
They won't find in arrears if an agreement wasn't hashed out before hand. So you can stop worrying about that. Typically you do end up pay half of child support though. However, your current salary is also factored in and you might end up paying less than 17 percent.
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