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Our daughter is 19, and currently living at home. We are fine with that, but she is not working, sleeps until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and is resistant to help around the house. We also have three younger kids(one is a teenager, and the other two are tweens) and there is constant fighting between them and her. (All four kids belong to me and my husband, and we have been married 20 years.) We aren't sure how to get her moving in life, and when we talk to her it turns into yelling or her leaving the room with nothing resolved. We are trying to be patient, but this can't continue. Our younger kids see her not doing much, and begin to feel resentful when they are having to go to school and help clean the house. We were pretty young when she was born(18 and 19), and I have always wondered if that's why she doesn't feel that she has to listen to us. However, we always lived on our own right from the start, have supported ourselves. What can we do?? My husband has told her she needs to move if she can't help out and respect the rules of the house. She has no where to go, so that isn't a realistic possibility in my opinion.
Why are you fine with this? Nothing about this situation is "fine."
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
I don't understand how you get to this point. She's presumably graduated high school. Did you not have discussions through her childhood and schoolyears as to what your expectations were or what she planned on doing to support herself?
If you have not had those conversations previously, they need to happen. Actually they need to happen regardless. You and your husband need to present a unified front. Help her develop a realistic plan for self sufficiency, with realistic and attainable milestones then stick to the plan.
Start having these same discussions with your younger children so it's clear what's expected.
This was my first thought, too. A never had any notion that this kind of behavior would be allowed, or that I'd be able to live rent-free indefinitely without going to school. My kids are pre-teens but we already talk about college.
Come up with a realistic time line with her. It should include getting a job immediately so she can pay for her own phone, gas, clothes at the very least. Then decide if she'll go to college, junior college, or technical school, and plan accordingly. She should be able to live with you while she goes to school, otherwise, start charging her rent.
My first thought is does she have a cell phone? If yes, who is paying the bill?
Does she have a car, or use a car? If yes, who is paying the car insurance and buying the gasoline?
Does she go out with her friends? If yes, where does she get the money?
Does she buy clothes and make-up? If yes, where does she get the money?
Does she buy video games or other things for entertainment? If yes, where does she get the money?
Does she have her own computer? If yes, who bought it? Who pays for the internet service?
Does she use shampoo & personal items? If yes, who buys them?
Does she eat food at home? If yes, who buys the food and who makes the food?
_________ Hmmmm, so what are the answers to those questions? _________
Your daughter needs to step-up and become a contributing member of your family. I agree, with the others, she needs to be working and/or going to school fulltime.
And, if she is living at home she needs to help with the family chores at the very minimum. Or else, do all of her own chores, such as her own laundry, buy her own food & cook her own meals, clean her room and help clean the common areas that she uses.
Our daughter is 19, and currently living at home. We are fine with that, but she is not working, sleeps until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and is resistant to help around the house. We also have three younger kids(one is a teenager, and the other two are tweens) and there is constant fighting between them and her. (All four kids belong to me and my husband, and we have been married 20 years.) We aren't sure how to get her moving in life, and when we talk to her it turns into yelling or her leaving the room with nothing resolved. We are trying to be patient, but this can't continue. Our younger kids see her not doing much, and begin to feel resentful when they are having to go to school and help clean the house. We were pretty young when she was born(18 and 19), and I have always wondered if that's why she doesn't feel that she has to listen to us. However, we always lived on our own right from the start, have supported ourselves. What can we do?? My husband has told her she needs to move if she can't help out and respect the rules of the house. She has no where to go, so that isn't a realistic possibility in my opinion.
When your daughter was a younger teen and in high school what did you discuss with respect to her future? It sounds to me like she didn't see any difference between being a high school student and being an adult. So now, she is a high school student without the structure of high school. It is the parents job to help her transition to adulthood. Of course, she needs to be a participant in that process.
I would try to talk with her (not at her) about what she sees in her future. Ask her about her hopes and dreams and what kind of future she sees for herself. If she doesn't know yet, maybe that's where you and your husband have to start. It seems to me that graduating high school was her goal, she has achieved that and she has no idea what to do now.
As far as helping around the house, you and your husband have to be on the same page. She is 19 years old. She should get no financial help from your and your husband (other than letting her live in your house and feeding her) without participating in running the house. You need to tell her this and you need to (calmly, without yelling) deny any and all requests for money simply stating that she is old enough to pay for her own personal expenses.
I think you and your husband are the key to turning the discussion away from yelling and toward a positive discussion that includes a future for her. Do not yell even if she does. She cannot fight with you if you refuse to fight. There is no satisfaction in fighting with someone who won't fight back. If she asks for money, say no, tell her why, and end the discussion. Calmly, without yelling. This will take some time to work.
I also think you need to examine what happened with her and avoid the same outcome with your younger kids.
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