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If my wife and I do decide to have kids, I know I'll give it my all, as I've done with everything else in life -- job, school, etc. I don't do anything half-assed, and once I make decisions, I take full responsibility for them. I'll be a loving and devoted father. How do I know this? Because I know what it's like to have an unreliable, selfish dad, and I wouldn't want the kid to go through that. I also saw my parents get divorced at age 3 and my childhood was rough because of it. Having to go back and forth from one house to another makes you feel like a piece of property.
That's why I'm trying to make the right decision. I understand and accept that once a kid comes, my life will change completely. But at least I'm being honest about the fact that parting with my cherished alone time seems rather scary. I tend to be very risk-averse and I often shy away from things I feel will demand too much of my time and attention. That goes for jobs that require 60-hour work weeks, and so on.
I guess it's like riding a rollercoaster. I can have people tell me what their experience on the ride was like, but until I'm on it myself -- experiencing the ups and downs, the twists and turns -- it's all speculation.
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 02-02-2016 at 12:21 PM..
Having kids and being a happy successful parent (at whatever you want) has NOTHING to do with being an introvert or being cerebral and EVERYTHING to do with your willingness take the risk. Having a child is the biggest leap of faith any rational person can make. You can't think this one through to its "logical" end.
You have no idea whether you will have a calm happy baby that sleeps most of the time and grows up to be a Rhodes Scholar, or an sick and angry kid who keeps you up all night howling and eventually winds up behind bars in Leavenworth. Most kids are obviously somewhere in between. But the FACT is you cannot know beforehand. If you are not ready to make that leap of faith that your life and your spouse's life will be better with a child, then you aren't ready.
There's a reason I keep posting these threads: I am highly self-aware. I have a keen sense of what I like and don't like.
Self-aware, or self-involved? Based on your message, I would say that if you're this focused on yourself, you probably don't want children, and hence you have listed above all your reasons for not wanting them. Maybe you're still young and you'll grow out of it and decide that you want something more to your life than yourself and your wife; if not, it seems like most people who decide they don't want to have kids focus instead on pets and many seem happy with that course.
Personally, I see more people procreating for selfish reasons (to make a mini-me, to have a doll to dress up, to live vicariously through their accomplishments, so they won't be alone, to keep up with the Joneses, to have someone to care for them in their old age, to keep benefits coming, to hold a bad marriage together, to avoid entering the workforce, to please parents who want grandchildren, etc.) or foolish reasons (they forget there's an alternative) than I see responsibly choosing to remain childless.
Sounds like you don't want to have kids (which is fine; really, it is). Your wife wants to have kids.
If she would be okay with doing most of the childrearing and let you have your peace, solitude, and comfort zone, that would be fine, but most likely she wouldn't be, even if she initially agreed to be.
Last edited by otterhere; 02-02-2016 at 12:43 PM..
I don't think it's about being an introvert at all, but you answered your own question. You said you're "sitting on the fence" and used the word "fear" many times. You don't have to wonder if your gut is telling you something; it is -- instincts don't lie.
If you have to question yourself about what you want, you don't want it. Easy! Don't stress over this anymore!
I tend to be very risk-averse and I often shy away from things I feel will demand too much of my time and attention.
Quote:
Originally Posted by citylove101
Having kids and being a happy successful parent (at whatever you want) has NOTHING to do with being an introvert or being cerebral and EVERYTHING to do with your willingness take the risk.
I think we're getting somewhere.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12
I guess it's like riding a rollercoaster. I can have people tell me what their experience on the ride was like, but until I'm on it myself -- experiencing the ups and downs, the twists and turns -- it's all speculation.
Somewhat. But on this ride, you're dragging another person (the baby) along with you. Really, it's not something EVERYONE can or should experience.
And motherhood isn't something you're "depriving" your wife of. It's not an amenity, like a two-week vacation of something that she should experience because it's "nice."
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScottsdaleMark
Self-aware, or self-involved? Based on your message, I would say that if you're this focused on yourself, you probably don't want children, and hence you have listed above all your reasons for not wanting them. Maybe you're still young and you'll grow out of it and decide that you want something more to your life than yourself and your wife; if not, it seems like most people who decide they don't want to have kids focus instead on pets and many seem happy with that course.
Yep.
OP, you've said ALL of this before on your other threads. When in doubt, DON'T have a baby.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 02-02-2016 at 12:45 PM..
I'm an introvert. I also love having kids. Now I don't love the birthday parties or having to entertain other people's children, but I love my own children and doing things with them. There are so many different ways to parent. It can be fun. I love to read and admittedly, I didn't get to do much of that for a few years, but we had some other adventures. I love learning and learning with kids that means doing something with them. You don't have to sit at the park bored off of your rear end because you've already been there 100 times this year. You go look up a National Park or a historic site and pack a picnic lunch and head out with kids in tow. They like getting out and don't really care where you go as long as you're having fun. You're actually developing little people who have some of the same interests as you. It's an adventure and you just need to find ways to navigate it.
I can't tell you if you ever get your old life back. I'm not there yet since my kids are all still young enough to be at home. Your life will change anyway even if you don't do anything different. At some point, your current friends will probably have kids or wander off and look for new adventures themselves. If you don't want children, then don't have them. I wouldn't use being an introvert as an excuse.
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