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Old 02-05-2016, 11:12 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 23,960,793 times
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I'm having trouble understanding this statement ,it was made by someone we know but we are not really close with them . Just a friendship maybe like seeing this person once a month . The statement was "my father was abusive when I was younger , but he is a great grandfather . I'm just wondering how a person could say that and then let their kids be around someone who was abusive to them ? that boggles my mind of course I could never say that to this person . I was just wondering how they could justify that to themselves .
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Old 02-05-2016, 11:16 AM
 
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What part of the statement don't you understand? It is very clear to me that over the years he has changed so he is a good grandparent but cannot change the past to make himself a good parent. There is no reason to keep a child from a grandparent if the child is not being abused or neglected if the parent of that child is comfortable being involved with an abusive parent. You never know the parent and grandparent may have been estranged for years but worked things out and all has been forgiven.
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Old 02-05-2016, 11:22 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
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It can happen,,, I know a family too. Close family indeed my friend's father was sort of very strict control freak for her when she was young,but by the time passes as well grow old he changed. And her father enjoy much better with her daughter. She say for that " try to catch the past"
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Old 02-05-2016, 11:25 AM
 
15,692 posts, read 20,203,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurich View Post
very strict control freak for her when she was young,but by the time passes as well grow old he changed. And her father enjoy much better with her daughter. She say for that " try to catch the past"


That's how my dad was with me. Strict, and hard on me always pushing me to do more, get a better job, etc etc.


As a grandfather, completely different person. Now I'm the strict one.
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Old 02-05-2016, 12:35 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,032,822 times
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I could say the same thing. Abusive might be too strong a word in my case. There was a definite anger issue when I was a kid. Since blood pressure meds and retirement, he's like a different person.
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Old 02-05-2016, 12:41 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,267 posts, read 47,198,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonMike7 View Post
That's how my dad was with me. Strict, and hard on me always pushing me to do more, get a better job, etc etc.


As a grandfather, completely different person.
Same here, except it was my mom.
We still have a less-than-perfect relationship... but she is the most wonderful, fantastic grandmother!
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Old 02-05-2016, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,968,949 times
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Sometimes, situations change and people change. Of course, it does not justify it, but maybe he was a teenage father who had no idea how to be a good parent, or had severe financial problems, or was carrying for his elderly parents or a disabled sibling when he was a parent and now those things have changed. Or maybe he was an alcoholic who has been sober for the last decade or maybe he was mental ill when his children were young but is now receiving treatment.


So, IMHO, sometimes it can change. However, some things usually do not change. Like if a father sexually abuses his young daughters it is pretty likely, statistically, that he will also sexually abuse his granddaughters. In that case, I would not let them alone.
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Old 02-05-2016, 01:58 PM
 
Location: Texas
634 posts, read 704,193 times
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Yep. Same here. My father was not the best dad to my older siblings, but over time, he changed. He was a much better father to the younger 3. He was an awesome grandfather to all of his grandchildren.
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Old 02-05-2016, 02:13 PM
 
13,975 posts, read 25,829,951 times
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It makes perfect sense to me. Grandparenting is all the happy moments, with none of the stress and responsibility. My father was never abusive, but with 7 kids, he could be strict, and he was always busy. When my kids came along, he happily spent hours teaching them card games and reading to them. And then, if they got cranky, he left.

Last edited by Mattie; 02-05-2016 at 03:34 PM..
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Old 02-05-2016, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
16,289 posts, read 32,202,608 times
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My dad was not abusive but he is a great grandfather as well. My brothers daughter has a son. The son is the great grandson making my dad his great grandfather. LOL

Ok so I guess that is not what we are talking about. LOL,

Lots of people did stupid things when they were younger. I know because I was one of those people. Parents can have regrets for things that they did with their kids. I was never abusive but I can tell you now that their are things I would do a lot differently. We also do not know what the father was going thru while he was raising kids. Also times change. Things that they call abuse now were part of life when I was a kid. You did something wrong and you got your but whipped. My mom used a strap on us kids when we did things wrong. No one ever called getting in trouble abuse. They do today though.

I don't excuse actions that some find reprehensible. I am saying that the rules have changed over time. Other issues that may have been a fator could be job related, stress of life and how people dealt with that stress. As people age many of the things that were problems have turned into non issues. Financial situations change. Maybe a death of a wife, good friend, another child made the man think about things and realize that life is short and problems come and go, but family is all that matters.

As people we need to forgive others the things that may have hurt us. When the abusive person has changed and is no longer huring others then it is time to look back and place the past in the past. It doesn't do you any good to dwell on someone elses problems.
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