18-yr-old DD's unhealthy live-at-home habits (out of control, smart, daughter, 18 year old)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Did you mean to say that you cannot afford school loans? The only person I know in that situation cannot get school loans because she is under... Um... 23 I think, and she cannot get any school loans because the FAFSA takes into account her parents income because of her age. Her parents make good money, so she cannot get loans. But her parents spend all their money on crap and refuse to pay the amount the FAFSA says is the expected parental contribution. She can't get a college loan until she ages out in several years.
Is that your situation? She can't get loans because you make too much money but you spent it all on something else? Because if so, that may be why she is so mad.
Did you mean to say that you cannot afford school loans? The only person I know in that situation cannot get school loans because she is under... Um... 23 I think, and she cannot get any school loans because the FAFSA takes into account her parents income because of her age. Her parents make good money, so she cannot get loans. But her parents spend all their money on crap and refuse to pay the amount the FAFSA says is the expected parental contribution. She can't get a college loan until she ages out in several years.
Is that your situation? She can't get loans because you make too much money but you spent it all on something else? Because if so, that may be why she is so mad.
Unless, there is a lot more to this story I am also wondering why you are not putting a priority on your daughter's education. I have known children of single parents who were barely making ends meet & their child received scholarships & loans and many, many middle class parents where both the children & the parents needed to take out loans. I know both parents and children who needed second jobs to pay college expenses (or to pay off students loans). I know many parents where paying college expenses were very, very difficult but they managed it because they knew the importance for their child.
Now, if you did not send you child to a 4 year college because she was immature, getting drunk at home, by herself is certainly not helping her gain maturity. If all of her HS friends are now off at 4 year colleges she is probably feeling pretty lonely. Can you encourage her to join clubs or activities at her CC? Do they have a student government there? What about becoming a GS assistant adult leader? What about volunteering in her future career field? Can she take additional classes so that she has more credits when she does go to a 4 year college? Or, can she work more hours, to save more money, so that she can go away to college next fall?
Drink with her then. She is doing well in school and works, despite all you are saying she does. You sate she gets drunk all the time, but is that just a perspective? A few glasses is not going to hurt anyone. Really, is she bothering you or causing trouble?
As for comments about the FAFSA; this is for everyone; we have no idea the OP's situation. The OP could live in a high cost of living area, where the high income is not quite what it seems, and FAFSA of course never takes that into account. The OP could have just started making high income, the FAFSA does not care if for the last 18 years you were poor, it just matters what you did the year before. The OP could have had other factors like medical, taking care of sick parent, etc that impacted the ability to save for college.
Having had teenagers, I don't understand why you can't ban alcohol from the house. Even ban them from coming home intoxicated. We did...it worked just fine. We did have to kick out a foster daughter when she turned 18 and graduated because she brought drugs into the house and was using. But it worked fine with the others. they tested me a couple times but I let them know I was dead serious.
High School success does not always become a pattern. Independence comes with maturity and is a lot easier to achieve away from Mommy & Daddy. Even if it takes her a year longer to get a degree moving out to an apartment where she is on her own will be a big step toward adulthood. Maybe when she is on her own the appeal of drinking will not be as strong. The forbidden fruit is always enticing.
Drink with her then. She is doing well in school and works, despite all you are saying she does. You sate she gets drunk all the time, but is that just a perspective? A few glasses is not going to hurt anyone. Really, is she bothering you or causing trouble?
As for comments about the FAFSA; this is for everyone; we have no idea the OP's situation. The OP could live in a high cost of living area, where the high income is not quite what it seems, and FAFSA of course never takes that into account. The OP could have just started making high income, the FAFSA does not care if for the last 18 years you were poor, it just matters what you did the year before. The OP could have had other factors like medical, taking care of sick parent, etc that impacted the ability to save for college.
I was wondering this too - how much does she actually drink? Her grades are good and she works - it's not like she spends the day with a hangover, lost her job and is flunking out of school . I think her being on her own would be the worst idea because she is too immature to handle it (you can't really force someone to "grow up" - some people just aren't emotionally read, especially at 18 or 19 to be out on their own). If she was away at a school there is no telling what she would get into. With the present situation you actually know (pretty much) what is going on - especially if she was overwhelmed - which it sounds like she would be. I agree that she may be clinically depressed, but it is common knowledge now that anti-depressants and young adults, including older teens, sometimes have a negative reaction to anti-depressants and actually get worse - even suicidal - so I understand where her doctor is coming from. However, cognitive (talk) therapy would probably be a good idea. Perhaps they offer something through her school?
I was pretty wild in my teens back in the 70s, but when I turned 18 that was the legal drinking age. I realize it's illegal now but agree she will find a way so I'd rather have her safe at home. Drinking and driving at any age is illegal so not driving goes without saying. To suggest that she will become an alcoholic seems extreme. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, myself included. I have had periods where I drank a bottle of wine a night with no ill effects, then went to a glass or two a week (or less) with no problems at all (and alcoholism runs in my family). And I grew up with plenty of other folks who drank when we were young and went on to be responsible adults.
Ban the alcohol. She's shown she can't handle it appropriately. It seems as though her options are play by the rules and live at home, or play by her own rules and figure out how to live on her own. She's a legal adult, so you can't control her behavior... but you can decide that her behavior will have to take place somewhere other than in your home. Your roof, your rules. Tell her the new rules and if she can't deal, help her pack and give her til the end of the month.
I speak as someone who drank/used drugs to excess as a young person. I got sober in AA when I was only 27. I don't agree with you kicking her out of the house as long as she is attending school, getting good grades, and doing her job as she should. If it gets to the point that her drinking interferes with her responsibilities, that's a different story. You don't need to condone her behavior, but try to understand it.
Personally, I think there's a good chance she is drinking to relieve depression. I know I did. Later in my life, when I was in treatment for depression at a very well-respected psych clinic, my doctors felt that my alcoholism was a manifestation of my depression. There is plenty of evidence that depressed people DO get a certain relief from their depression through alcohol or drug abuse, but it never lasts. Eventually the addictive behavior catches up with them and causes additional problems. Also the temporary lifting of the bad mood even ceases to be after a certain amount of time. And hangovers added to clinical depression is not something anyone should want.
In my case, depression runs rampant through both sides of my family, so I think that I came by my depression naturally. But some people are SITUATIONALLY depressed. Which is just as real, just a different cause. Face it, your daughter's life probably isn't stacking up to all she had hoped it would be. Her high school friends probably went away to college and here she is sleeping in her childhood bedroom with nothing but boring activities on the horizon. It's possible her community college classes aren't that challenging and a retail job seems dead-end after awhile. You don't mention a significant other or a fun social life. So try to have some sympathy for her situation. As adults we realize this won't be her life forever, but at her age she probably feels trapped and bored. To a certain degree, she's experiencing grief for what her dream life probably was.
I think you should take the advice of the person here who suggested you attend some Al-Anon meetings. It will be good for you to interact with other parents who have the same fears you do. And there will be people there who have practical advice for you. Don't make a big deal about it, but don't hide it from her that you are going. It will be a good message to her that you are frightened by her behavior.
Next, I would contact the school she goes to and find out what kind of mental health help they have for students. Most colleges have an office or a committee that addresses these issues. If they don't have a staff psychologist who meets with students, they can probably hook you up with some appropriate program that offers help on an income-based basis. If your daughter is over 18 and employed, at this point she should be looked at as on her own financially even if she does live in your house. They would base cost on her income, not yours. She really needs a mental health evaluation from a psychiatric professional, NOT a family doctor or a primary care physician. Whether or not she gets medication, she needs some talk therapy with someone who isn't a family member.
If she balks at therapy, I'd make that a condition of you staying off her back about her drinking. What she is doing IS illegal, so hold that as the trump card.
This is one of those "horse has already left the barn posts." Where did she get the idea that it was ok to drink in your home at the age of 18, and why have you allowed it? I don't know if I'd suggest banning it now because she will do it elsewhere and that doesn't solve anything.
why cant she apply for private loans? Most lenders will give a loan to a student, even without any credit history, as long as proof of enrollment can be submitted. Why would you be footing this bill if you cannot afford this? You expect her to act mature but you are not making her take responsibility. She is living at home and allowed to get drunk every night. You need to tell her to move out and pay for college on her own if your household doesn't qualify for financial aid or federal loans.
To those saying it's better for her to drink in a controlled, safe environment I have one word for you: enabling. If the daughter had a coke addiction would you be saying the same thing? yes, there are people out there who do hard drugs and still go to school and manage to get A's and B's. Does that mean a parent should allow and enable that behavior because it's better than the daughter being on the streets? No.
She should have 2 options: quit drinking and stay under parent's roof or live life as you choose and foot the bill for school on your own. Saying she is "too immature" is a cop out. Of course she is immature when she is having everything handed to her. She has to be forced to face reality and wake up to life. She wasn't born into a family that can afford paying for her college or pay for her to live on campus. Oh well.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
