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I have been a long time member of CD but have only posted for my city and maybe another random question somewhere. But we (my husband and I) are at our wits end about his son and I have no one to talk with about this - no one gets how bad this is. And it's likely not what you think.... It's not about him as a kid, It is about his mom. Background:
Husband and I met 4 years after his divorce. She had cheated. He requested counseling. She agreed, went to 1 session and said she would rather divorce instead. So divorce they did. Of course my husband was hurt but he gave her what she wanted, grieved and moved on with his life. He and I met, dated, got engaged, married and here we are. Later 30's, with a baby of our own. I adore my stepson (SS) - age 10. He is a neat kid and we have a good relationship. We have had some issues here and there but not too bad. I love my guys! Issues:
From the time we got engaged, SS's mom, started flipping out. We both said to ignore it and it would pass. It started with her insulting my husband as a dad (when she had not complained before) and demanding all kinds of irrational things - "pick him up from day care" - 15 min before they close, b/c she chose to stay at work (she is a workaholic -he says it was like this when they were married and SS says that is all she does at night and on weekends). Then she started to try to change the schedule. They never followed the court order (CO) between them up until that point. But after months of her changing things on a whim, my husband was forced to use their CO agreement. She freaked - we started getting calls from her mom and best friend. Endless texts from these people. Their only point was to try to convince my husband to do what she wanted. It was sickening. They were blocked. She flipped even more. Then came the emails. And the texts. It was absurd. My husband tried to reason with her through email - she wouldn't have it. Then came her trying to exclude him from everything - the beginnings of parent alienation (PA). During all this time, we learned, from SS, that she was forcing him to shower in front of her. At this time he was in 2nd grade. He had his own bathroom, separate from hers, and she would force him to shower in hers, with her watching. Since he showered on his own here my husband was confused. He asked ex, she never responded. SS then told us, she has him sleep in her bed (he has his own room there and sleeps alone here). My husband asked about this - she claimed she practices co-sleeping. This was laughable since he was 8 at the time and co-sleeping is typically for babies and toddlers. This was brought to her attention - she never responded. Soon after, because of the behavior in school (SS constantly getting in trouble), my husband asked that he attend therapy. She fought this tooth and nail. We couldn't understand why - why would you not want to help your child? After about a year of asking, she finally took him...his behavior in school was just getting worse. Husband liked the therapist and so did SS. Husband said he felt counselor was fair and liked her approach. SS only went a few months. Right after counselor told mom she needed to stop sleeping in same bed as SS, something happened (we truly don't know what) - counselor dropped SS as a client. Another was tried, at suggestion of my husband. But this therapist was not a child counselor. We met with him and he said he didn't know why mom contacted him - he was an addiction specialist for adults. But that he would try to help. This guy was a joke. He did nothing. Maybe he didn't know what to do. We don't know. But it was during this time, we learned SS had tried to hurt animals. He was caught strangling his mom's dog. He admitted to us he tried our dog but she wouldn't let him - she fought back (go dog!). An emergency mtg was called by counselor - mom, SS, dad and myself were there. SS would not leave my side. He clung to me. I was shocked - his mom was right there. He practically crawled in my lap. Later, I heard him ask her if he could go home with us and she rudely told him no.
A few months later, they were to mediation. My husband was told that their order was very bare bones and did not benefit him or the child - only mom. The attorney that my husband had was a joke. She was fine at first,but as time went on, she just appeared she didn't know what she was doing. I suggested we find another...I didn't want us to have to go through this again. And he said no...we would lose the money. So he decided to stay. For lack of anything else to thoroughly explain the situation - this attorney FUDGED him. (And I don't mean fudge). She was late to mediation, rushed him through and gave him no real time to read much. He accepts now, he chose wrong and should have gotten up and left that day. But he didn't. When he came home, I realized, after reading, that the new order he signed fudged him even more. His time didn't increase (that was all he wanted and for her not to be able to prevent him from seeing son), he lost all rights to everything. New order states he can't decide anything with education, psych services and mom gets to move 100 miles away from original county - 50 is the norm, but somehow his attorney allowed 100! I told him I knew she would move. That's why she did that. Move she did - 45 miles one way from us. She did all this in secret - wouldn't answer emails. Even when his attorney called her attorney - she ignored her attorney. She was served and then she gave the information. SS hates his new home (he has complained to us many times) and doesn't like his school. And now, because we live so far away, we can't sign him up to do much that is fun. He is beginning to understand what is happening. He tells us frequently that he asks his mom to take him to do things and she makes up excuses. I was shocked when I heard this...but he realizes what is happening. He told us "She pretends we have things to do and when I tell her we don't, she tries to change how I think or how I feel about a situation".
Current day:
SS is in trouble nearly daily at school. We found out he tried to hurt my husband's mom's dogs, too, recently. So that is 3 animals, in 3 different houses. He lashes out at the teachers. He is failing. Mom was supposed to take him to tutoring (school rules) and she only took him once. She refused to answer why she wouldn't take him. This was free tutoring too. She says she won't sign him up for a sport he wants to play because he's failing, but allowed him to join a running club at school. We are excited for him, but it makes no sense - she contradicts herself like this on nearly everything. When he is with us, things are pleasant. Yes, we have had our hard times, but he tells us frequently that he had a good visit, can't wait to see us again, etc. He also adores his new sibling. It's been a year since mom took him to a therapist. Last week he was in trouble at school because he told the teacher "I want to burn the building down. And I wish I had a gun". Well, he DOES have a gun. Mom bought it for him for his birthday. We thought he meant a bb gun or something. No. We have it confirmed in email that she bought him a rifle. Still sleeps with mom. Still wets the bed. Has stabled 2 kids with a pencil. Has gotten in trouble for putting his hands on other kids. We sign him up ourselves for activities, as we can. Mom takes him sometimes, when we sign him up, but mostly creates excuses. She has promised him she would sign him up for karate - never did. Promised boy scouts - signed him up but never took him to a meeting. Promised so much to this little guy - never follows through. It is like she wants to cause my husband pain through their kid. Why? She wanted to leave. lol It just makes no sense. He has asked his mom...can we do this at my school...she lies and makes excuses to him. He has no friends.
Obstacles:
We contacted an attorney. Says this is a huge mess. Will take case for 10k. We don't have 10k. Said he knows husband's previous attorney and can assure us he did not get his money's worth. Said if husband wants anything to do with education again, he needs to have SS living in our home. Says it's to our advantage we are married AND have another child. Said compared to a single mom, child would have far more support in school and mental health care. He also says it needs to be determined why mom refuses to take him to therapist when it is obvious he's got problems. Attorney, after looking at their last modified order, said not only does it favor mom completely, but it's got some things in there that are out of this world...like he can't believe last attorney allowed it.
We don't know what to do or where to turn. We have tried free legal aid, programs, payment assistance, etc - we don't qualify. SS is getting worse. Our hearts break for him. We know something is not right. We have tried everything we know to do.
We record all responses from mom. Everything that stands out is put into an organized file for later reference, but until we hire someone, what good is it?
Advice is helpful here. Do we just let things continue? Or should we try to do a home equity loan to get the money? Sell our house and move into an apt? I personally don't care where we live but my husband does....he doesn't want an apt. But we don't have that high of money to get an attorney but I feel to get real results, we are going to need a high priced attorney.
Mom suffers from golden uterus syndrome - its where a woman, who has had a baby thinks she is the supreme parent, who knows all and dads are just fumbling idiots who know nothing and are only good for child support. She tries very hard to get SS to hate me. But I just ignore it. I know when it's truly him complaining verses it filtering through him. Husband and I have grown closer together and truly work through this as a team. But we just need help here. We don't know where to turn or what to do anymore.
If you got this far....THANK YOU.
Last edited by daisee1203; 02-14-2016 at 08:46 AM..
Reason: B/c I'm a perfectionist :P
He stabbed two kids with a pencil, threatened to burn down the school and has hurt relatives' pets?? It's a miracle that he has not been taken into custody already.
Your husband needs to file for sole custody ASAP and look into a residential mental health facility for his son. Pay for a good attorney in any way that you can.
The so-called "golden uterus syndrome" is not the problem here. I would not be surprised if he is being sexually abused.
He stabbed two kids with a pencil, threatened to burn down the school and has hurt relatives' pets?? It's a miracle that he has not been taken into custody already.
Your husband need to file for sole custody ASAP and look into a residential mental health facility for his son.
The so-called "golden uterus syndrome" is not the problem here. I would not be surprised if he is being sexually abused.
I agree with all of his points.
Look at it this way, when (not if but when) he is charged with a serious crime you would do everything to bail him out. When my husband was a defense attorney he would see parents getting second mortgages on their house, decimating their savings, selling their cars & furniture to try to keep their child out of prison. Often, extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, would help as much as they could, too.
Look at it this way, when (not if but when) he is charged with a serious crime you would do everything to bail him out. When my husband was a defense attorney he would see parents getting second mortgages on their house, decimating their savings, selling their cars & furniture to try to keep their child out of prison. Often, extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, would help as much as they could, too.
Get help now. Do whatever it takes. I'm serious.
Yep. Today. The sense of urgency here cannot be overstated.
The kid has threatened to burn down the school, hurts animals, stabs kids ( even though a pencil dangerous), has a gun ,etc. and nothing is being done to help him.
This child needs long term therapy now. I don't think the problem is the ex-wife trying to hurt her ex-husband. Nor is this " golden uterus". Something far more serious is going on here.
I agree with Wmsn4Life this may be sexual abuse for this child to act out so badly. Please try to figure out away to get custody of him so that he can receive the therapy he needs. Yes, do try a home equity loan, etc.
At the rate this is going, the boy is going to do something at school soon that will have him arrested and put into juvenile custody. God Forbid he hurts a child or children. Once that happens it's going to be a nightmare for all. Do whatever you need to do now to have removed from his mom's home.
He stabbed two kids with a pencil, threatened to burn down the school and has hurt relatives' pets?? It's a miracle that he has not been taken into custody already.
Your husband needs to file for sole custody ASAP and look into a residential mental health facility for his son. Pay for a good attorney in any way that you can.
The so-called "golden uterus syndrome" is not the problem here. I would not be surprised if he is being sexually abused.
Agree completely. No one...teachers, school, school counselor see an issue. Husband spoke to counselor last week and she just treated it like a one time thing since in her words, "he's not in my office frequently". Husband is calling principal tomorrow.
We looked into filing for full custody. $10k. Husband has zero mental health rights to decide anything for son, as said above in original post. Thank you.
The kid has threatened to burn down the school, hurts animals, stabs kids ( even though a pencil dangerous), has a gun ,etc. and nothing is being done to help him.
This child needs long term therapy now. I don't think the problem is the ex-wife trying to hurt her ex-husband. Nor is this " golden uterus". Something far more serious is going on here.
I agree with Wmsn4Life this may be sexual abuse for this child to act out so badly. Please try to figure out away to get custody of him so that he can receive the therapy he needs. Yes, do try a home equity loan, etc.
At the rate this is going, the boy is going to do something at school soon that will have him arrested and put into juvenile custody. God Forbid he hurts a child or children. Once that happens it's going to be a nightmare for all. Do whatever you need to do now to have removed from his mom's home.
I too agree something far more serious is happening. I have questioned for years about sexual abuse. I myself was sexually abused. I did not act out in this way but I am aware through counseling, training (worked with abused kids), etc that it does not manifest the same in all kids. Husband is just now at a point where he's able to accept this possibility.
WE DO NOT HAVE ANY MENTAL HEALTH RIGHTS, as I stated above. I'll change my post b/c that is the part a lot of people keep mentioning but we, at this point, cannot do anything.
Look at it this way, when (not if but when) he is charged with a serious crime you would do everything to bail him out. When my husband was a defense attorney he would see parents getting second mortgages on their house, decimating their savings, selling their cars & furniture to try to keep their child out of prison. Often, extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, would help as much as they could, too.
Get help now. Do whatever it takes. I'm serious.
I'm serious too. This is why I posted. This is not a light situation to me. But to clarify,....if he got arrested or did something as a teen or adult to be put in jail, no, we would not bail him out. Maybe some parents would but I have family members in prison right now, never getting out, because a parent continually bailed them out. Your a$$ gets in jail or prison as an adult, your a$$ stays there.
But you are right that I am trying everything, in my limited power as a step parent, to PREVENT this happening. I hope you'll see that in my post. I am beyond upset, concerned, sick to my stomach, hurt, etc. We are all of those things. I have even thought about go fund me. I am so at a loss here.
My family knows what is happening. No one has offered to help. We already have some significant debt ourselves with a house, student loans, etc. If we go deeper into debt, we are screwing ourselves. We can't guarantee just b/c he asks for full custody, he will get it. Then what? My grandmother is the only one that says she would give money but she doesn't have it to give. We don't have cars to sell. We went through savings with last attorney.
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