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Why is punishment the only option around here? Has anyone ever considered that he might be suffering from depression surrounding everything going on in his family, and also feeling like a burden? Im sure the kid is aware of it and cant feel too good about it.
Try compassion, see what happens.
Why is punishment the only option around here? Has anyone ever considered that he might be suffering from depression surrounding everything going on in his family, and also feeling like a burden? Im sure the kid is aware of it and cant feel too good about it.
Try compassion, see what happens.
What do you have to lose right?
Another year on top of the two that they have lost in the name of 'compassion'?
A marriage?
Sanity?
This is not a new situation. People are missing that they gave it two years with the situation getting worse.
Now his marriage is at stake.
When is the price too high?
I do not remember the OP mentioning mental health counseling.
Edited to add:
I just noticed that this was in the Parenting forum. That explains a lot of the responses.
This really should be in Non-Romantic Relationships, as the OP's brother is not his son or ward.
I think people are forgetting that.
Last edited by mochamajesty; 03-04-2016 at 05:37 PM..
Why is punishment the only option around here? Has anyone ever considered that he might be suffering from depression surrounding everything going on in his family, and also feeling like a burden? Im sure the kid is aware of it and cant feel too good about it.
Try compassion, see what happens.
What do you have to lose right?
We don't know if they have already tried compassion or not. If they haven't, it is definitely worth a try and that book that was referenced or the link I provided would be a good starting point for that. However, compassion always needs to be combined with firm limits and consequences. Without those they are just giving up control of their lives to someone else who will take advantage of it
I found out the mom was a prostitute. She hired me off my front porch. But I really needed the work. her not coming back was kind of better then the other times I babysat for her and she came back with a john.
Yes but YOU could have been raped or kidnapped! This was a dangerous situation.
Not worth any amt of money.
Really? How old are your sons? Why do you think they can't take care of themselves?
At this point? They are in their 20s, and yes, they can take care of themselves. But my oldest has several years on his brothers, and his promise to always look out for them has made us proud. My sons are close. I wonder if the OP was ever close to his little brother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
Another year on top of the two that they have lost in the name of 'compassion'?
A marriage?
Sanity?
This is not a new situation. People are missing that they gave it two years with the situation getting worse.
Now his marriage is at stake.
When is the price too high?
I do not remember the OP mentioning mental health counseling.
Edited to add:
I just noticed that this was in the Parenting forum. That explains a lot of the responses.
This really should be in Non-Romantic Relationships, as the OP's brother is not his son or guardian.
I think people are forgetting that.
There is no price on the worth of a child. And, as the OP is acting, by his own agreement, in a parental role, this is the right place for the thread. I wonder if he'll return.
At this point? They are in their 20s, and yes, they can take care of themselves. But my oldest has several years on his brothers, and his promise to always look out for them has made us proud. My sons are close. .
So, they are all emotionally healthy, self-sustaining adults?
Looking out for someone isn't just about giving them a roof and meals. It's about doing what is best for that person. It is possible that continuing to house his minor brother who for whatever reason he is unable to help, despite trying, is not best for the minor brother.
Sigh. Once again, this boy's mother is due to get out of prison in a year. The boy will be 18, in a year. They can live happily, or unhappily, together at that point.
If the marriage dissolves over a man living up to the obligations he undertook, than he is better off without his spouse. Where was she when he said yes to the living arrangements 2 years ago?
BTW, I am not disparaging either the OP or his wife, who popped in at one point. They are in a tough spot, but doing the right thing can be tough. Right now they are doing the right thing, and I commend them for it.
We have instilled in our sons one thing, and that is that they be there for each other should anything happen to us, the parents.
When she gets out of prison, what will she do for a place to live? A job? How will she actual take care of him? The damage has already ben done and is getting worse every day.
The husband has obligations to his wife! She's not something to cast aside. The living arrangements were supposed to only to be for a few months. Now it's 2 years later and there's at least another year to go.
This isn't about the OP's son. This is his brother. Totally different. He's NOT the parent.
Studies have been done which show that a teenager's brain is nowhere near what "an adult's" would be. Not that I think it should excuse simple basic good human behavior, but it centers around such things as "teens are in fact biologically wired to stay up late and then sleep in late; they're not just being perverse jerks" and "basically we shouldn't take anyone younger than 25 for the military, because of their brains lacking an essential component of understanding the wedding of actions with consequences". In other words, "anyone who ever debated or witnessed a teen boy doing something absolutely moronic, something any adult with a tenth of a brain should know could kill them, and ask them, 'What on earth made you think you should do that?' and the answer is "dunno *shrug*", the kid isn't engaging in dumb insolence. He's literally still just a pile of impulses, who thought, "Sure, yeah! Volunteer to steer this dead car into a stone wall for my friend's lo-budget iPhone film? Car'll be going really slow 'cuz it's dead? Sign me up! What could go wrong!"
The OP, IMO, needs to employ a combination of "we are the only parents you've got right now", plus remembering that this kid, or his children, may someday be the only person to visit OP/Mrs. OP in the nursing home.
Sure, over multiple generations kids have had it worse; but this is the 21st century, not the open prairie in 1850, and OP's brother's "bedroom" doesn't even have a door. Former teens on this thread, c'mon, wasn't privacy and "a door you could lock to get away from your parents, or at the very least, close", prized vastly high on your list of necessities? I know it was on mine!
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