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So you guys have been very helpful with issues pertaining to my daughters mom. Right now my daughter and her mom live in her parents house. My exes sisters used to live there, they are both in rehab and not coming back to the house. Her father moved to Florida. Her Mom put the house on the market, got an offer, and most likely May or June they will be moving out. Her Mom is moving to NC. She is going to stay on LI for one more year so my daughter can go to kindergarten.
She has a boyfriend who she met online through a dating site. They started talking around July of last year, started dating around August of last year. He was around my daughter early, about Sept or October as a "friend". He spent nights at the house in a separate bedroom. The problem I have is that she insists she cant afford to live on LI by herself because she is barely making ends meet right now paying what she pays. So she needs to move in with him which will then provide someone that can drop her off to school in the morning and help out.
I live in Queens and about an hour train ride away from their current home. I'm not sure exactly where she will move, most likely a bit closer. We had plans in the future to live very close to each other that way I can help more. I see my daughter every weekend and holidays as well as when I take her on vacation to visit my parents. I have been involved in her life very closely especially when we lived together.
I totally disagree with them moving in together given that my daughter knows him as a friend so it will be highly confusing and jarring. After losing direct contact with her aunts, her grandpa, and soon to be her grandma the idea of throwing her into a home with a guy within 9-10 months of knowing him seems like a poor choice. She stated that it's either move in with him, or move to NC with her mom and I never get to see her. She insisted that unless I'm willing to pay more money, those are the options.
My friend told me to ask her what it would take money wise to cover her expenses to live by herself. Well she came back with "its not just about money, we are ready to take the next step with him". Total change from what she initially said which was it was about money. Going over money, she also make decent money, and spends a lot of it. She refuses to get rid of karate, dance, soccer. She gets clothes delivered every month. She eats out a lot. She spent almost 3k on a cruise last year and wants to take my daughter on her birthday to Disney.
I know this was long but I'm highly frustrated. I think given all the turmoil in the household and the amount of change she has been through, she shouldnt be put in a situation where emotionally she could be destroyed. Even through all this change she does amazing in Pre K, she's a great kid, and she doesn't really act out. I have asked to speak to both of them without my daughter around to air out the grievances.
What if the situation were reversed ? What happens if you find a girlfriend and want her to move in with you ? Would you want your ex wanted to have input on what you could do with your life ?
Your relationship with your ex is done as far as the two of you go. Her life is hers to live now . You don't get to tell her what to do. At what point would you feel it is OK for her to move a boyfriend in- in a year, in two years ? I suspect your belief is never .
Your ex-s life is going to go off in whatever direction she takes it and you really have no choice in this, nor should you. It doesn't seem that anything is amiss in her life. You don't like her spending money -but that is her choice- you're not in control.
This, IMO, is the basic problem. You want to be in control of her life but you're not and you won't be.
The only concerns you should have are whatever is in your divorce decree. That is child support, visitation, if there is anything in there about her moving out of state, etc.
Unfortunately, you will just have to adapt to the fact that another man will be in your daughter's life now. Your ex may have children with him in the future. Your daughter may have step siblings. Your ex and he may break up and someone else may come into her life. This is just the way life goes. You have to adapt. Let go of what you can't control.
What if the situation were reversed ? What happens if you find a girlfriend and want her to move in with you ? Would you want your ex wanted to have input on what you could do with your life ?
Your relationship with your ex is done as far as the two of you go. Her life is hers to live now . You don't get to tell her what to do. At what point would you feel it is OK for her to move a boyfriend in- in a year, in two years ? I suspect your belief is never .
Your ex-s life is going to go off in whatever direction she takes it and you really have no choice in this, nor should you. It doesn't seem that anything is amiss in her life. You don't like her spending money -but that is her choice- you're not in control.
This, IMO, is the basic problem. You want to be in control of her life but you're not and you won't be.
The only concerns you should have are whatever is in your divorce decree. That is child support, visitation, if there is anything in there about her moving out of state, etc.
Unfortunately, you will just have to adapt to the fact that another man will be in your daughter's life now. Your ex may have children with him in the future. Your daughter may have step siblings. Your ex and he may break up and someone else may come into her life. This is just the way life goes. You have to adapt. Let go of what you can't control.
Couple of things come to mind:
Anyone done a background check on the new guy? Kids are resilient. I'm sure she will adapt and be fine as long as the homelife isn't some kind of dysfunctional mess. (worse than it is now)
If it was an important issue for you, you should have had it written into the divorce/custody agreement. My friend and her ex had a stipulation that there would be no overnight visitors of the opposite sex while the children were there.
But, for your daughter's sake, you might be better off just getting to know the guy, and making him aware (not threateningly) that your daughter's happiness and safety are paramount for you.
But, for your daughter's sake, you might be better off just getting to know the guy, and making him aware (not threateningly) that your daughter's happiness and safety are paramount for you.
... and figuring out a way to take your daughter to school.
Seriously, I don't fault the OP one bit for being concerned about this situation. Needing babysitting is a ****-poor reason to move in with a guy. Yeah, yeah, I know. She's "ready to take the next step." How many child abuse/child death scenarios have we heard about where the perpetrator is "the mother's boyfriend"??
OP, you should have some kind of custody and care agreement, and if you don't, you should look into it.
Being concerned about your daughter in no way means you're trying to control your ex.
What if the situation were reversed ? What happens if you find a girlfriend and want her to move in with you ? Would you want your ex wanted to have input on what you could do with your life ?
Your relationship with your ex is done as far as the two of you go. Her life is hers to live now . You don't get to tell her what to do. At what point would you feel it is OK for her to move a boyfriend in- in a year, in two years ? I suspect your belief is never .
Your ex-s life is going to go off in whatever direction she takes it and you really have no choice in this, nor should you. It doesn't seem that anything is amiss in her life. You don't like her spending money -but that is her choice- you're not in control.
This, IMO, is the basic problem. You want to be in control of her life but you're not and you won't be.
The only concerns you should have are whatever is in your divorce decree. That is child support, visitation, if there is anything in there about her moving out of state, etc.
Unfortunately, you will just have to adapt to the fact that another man will be in your daughter's life now. Your ex may have children with him in the future. Your daughter may have step siblings. Your ex and he may break up and someone else may come into her life. This is just the way life goes. You have to adapt. Let go of what you can't control.
I'm not trying to control my ex. My only concern is for my daughter. I don't care what she does, as long as it's not screwing up my daughter. I don't know this guy. Hell, she barely knows this guy. I feel it's too soon to really get to know each other. Also my daughter doesn't even know about them being together, she still looks at him like he is a "friend". With all the changes in her life this could be largely damaging. Also, when I asked her what options she would have if things didn't work out, she didn't really have much thus if things are bad, she is likely to continue to stick around because she doesn't have another place to go.
We were never married, there is no court ordered anything. We wanted to avoid courts and work together. She still wants me a part of her life as much as possible. I don't disagree with anything else she does, minus her drug addicted sisters, one with no license driving my daughter around. But that no longer happens.
My feelings are that she wanted me to be thinking marriage or living together before I introduced my gf at the time to my daughter. I agreed to wait 6 months then see what happens with the relationship. We broke up before things got serious enough. Seems like a hypocrite.
Where is the best place to find a background check? Also when I have my sit down, how can I get across my feelings without sounding like a complainer or controlling?
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How many child abuse/child death scenarios have we heard about where the perpetrator is "the mother's boyfriend"??
