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Old 03-20-2016, 02:02 PM
 
389 posts, read 419,412 times
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My husband and I are usually in synch with our parenting style, but now that our oldest is 14, I find us disagreeing more and more. He thinks I'm way out in left field, so I'm trying to wrap my brain around the direction we should go. (Sorry for the long story!)

So here's the background, our 14 yo has always been one to constantly change her mind, even as a little kid. She would like something for a few weeks, and then move on. She wasn't one of those kids that picked a TV show, and watched it religiously forever, but when she is into something she goes all out. A couple of years ago, she watched Dr. Who, and every thing was Dr. Who. That's how she wanted to decorate her room, and that's all she wanted for Christmas. Two weeks past Christmas she was over Dr. Who. She wanted to play piano, and 3 weeks into lessons she was done. She wanted to wear black head to toe for a few months, and now she's all about color. You get the idea.

So before this past Christmas she was asking for a Bass Guitar, and she wanted one for Christmas. She has an acoustic and does have some talent, so we were exploring this. Out of the blue she told me she wanted a video camera instead, because she wanted to get into Video Blogs. We had a entire conversation about getting a video camera vs bass guitar. Fast forward to Christmas shopping... We usually get the kids one big thing and then a few little things like books or PJs. While we were shopping, I told my husband that she wanted a video camera instead of the bass. He was shocked so he called her and asked her, and she confirmed that she wanted the video camera. So that's what we got her.

Christmas morning you could tell she was not impressed, and she didn't even take it out of the box. Christmas sucked for multiple reasons, so I just chalked it up to other issues. A couple of months after Christmas she still had not touched it, so I asked her when she was going to use it. She told me that she never wanted a video camera, and when pushed about our conversation she told me she never said that, and when my husband asked her about it over the phone she was "distracted" and just told him she wanted it.

I was pretty annoyed 1. at her repeated behavior of not being appreciative of gifts, 2. Waiting until we could not return it to say anything and 3. Her attitude indicating it was more our fault for getting her the "wrong" gift.

My thought was to sell the camera and not give her the money, as a learning lesson of "be more appreciative," and pay attention when someone asks you a questions. My husband completely disagrees. He thinks it was her gift and we should sell it for whatever we can get for it, and give her the money. (Which looks like about 1/4 of what we paid for it.) He thinks she won't learn anything from not getting the money, other than her parents took her Christmas present away. I think it's a lesson that she may not appreciate now, but when she's older she will see the value in it.

His other solution was to just not do anything with it, and let it gather dust. I'd rather give it away than do that. We're at a standstill. So I'm open for different perspectives. I really don't want to raise an entitled child, but sometimes I feel like we are headed that way! So what would you do?
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Old 03-20-2016, 02:28 PM
 
Location: detroit mi
676 posts, read 719,677 times
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I would just make her keep the camera. She might take interest in it eventually. If I were to sell it, the money would be hers as it is now her gift. My son did that with his saxiphone. I got him a new expensive yamaha student sax and after a couple months it got old and it just sits around. I'm gong to keep it because when he gets older he might pick it up again and decide he's ready try it again.

Maybe you should start using the camera and taking cool videos or what ever. Maybe if she sees you using it she will want to mess with it. Maybe when she gets that bass guitar she will want to make music videos or something. I would check her on her additude as far as not being appreciative but I wouldn't take the gift and sell it, then keep the cash. That will just cause resentment IMO
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Old 03-20-2016, 02:30 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,723,062 times
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I have a daughter that age and I just give her money instead of gifts. That way she can't blame anyone but herself if she spends the money on something she didn't really want.

I wouldn't do anything with the camera at all. Maybe she will get more interested in it eventually. Maybe she'll get the guitar for her birthday and then want to make videos of herself playing it. Maybe she'll have school projects where a video camera will come in handy. You're not obligated to replace her gift with money and since she didn't pay for it to begin with and you're talking about not giving her the money from selling it, she won't appreciate the fact that it was sold for a quarter of its value.
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Old 03-20-2016, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,255 posts, read 1,948,053 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spchtx View Post
His other solution was to just not do anything with it, and let it gather dust.
^^^This.

It's hers. It is not yours. You gave it to her. She can do what she wants with it, and if she chooses to let it sit and gather dust that is her prerogative. If she chooses to sell it that is also her prerogative.

In the future, due to this ungratefulness, I would refrain from giving her any presents that cost large sums of money.
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Old 03-20-2016, 04:05 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
12,755 posts, read 9,591,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spchtx View Post
A couple of months after Christmas she still had not touched it, so I asked her when she was going to use it. She told me that she never wanted a video camera, and when pushed about our conversation she told me she never said that, and when my husband asked her about it over the phone she was "distracted" and just told him she wanted it.
Next Christmas (or birthday) tell her you need a hand-written list of what she wants. That will take care of her forgetfulness.

I agree with the previous poster (RogerAnthony). The camera is hers, to do with as she wants.

Don't let her guilt you!!!
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Old 03-20-2016, 05:04 PM
 
758 posts, read 1,865,380 times
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I agree with others that you should do nothing with it. She asked for it, got it, and can now do with it as she wants. Even if she wants to just let it sit there gathering dust.
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Old 03-20-2016, 05:19 PM
 
18,325 posts, read 18,902,171 times
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just give her money from now on. don't play the game. one should also learn it isn't always about the "gift" it's about the thought that counts and love it is was given with. if you sell and give her the money, you are telling her the original gift wasn't anything to treasure or respect either. if you don't value something neither will she.

she sounds very creative but bores easily. as other said pick up the camera and do a family project. try to find free or reduced costs ways so she can try things. she can get a great education in painting, crafts all kinds of things on youtube. maybe an allowance that she has to work for so she can buy her own "big ticket" items might make her more interested.
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Old 03-20-2016, 05:24 PM
 
13,975 posts, read 25,820,403 times
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I agree with the other posters. It is her gift, or mistake, as the case may be. She can sell it or trade it for something else, but your job is done.
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Old 03-20-2016, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,954,964 times
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Does your daughter have special needs? Perhaps ADHD?



I would certainly not continue to give her "big ticket" items as gifts nor indulge her when costly she quickly changes her mind.

If you bought her a huge wardrobe of black clothing & accessories and then you just donated everything to Goodwill and you bought her a new wardrobe of colorful clothing it is not right. Now, if she had one or two black outfits and changes her mind and gets a couple of colorful outfits that may be different, but it does not sound like that is what is happening. Even if you are very wealthy, that is still very wasteful;

If your daughter has been doing this for years it is better to try to nip it in the bud now before the stakes get really huge. Imagine your daughter taking driving education classes and then getting bored after a few weeks so that she can't get her license or your car insurance is very high (because she got her license but did not take the required driver's safety classes).

Or she refuses to take college prep classes at HS because she wants to be an artist, then is stuck when she is a senior and can't get into a good college because she does not have the right prerequisites.


Or she is all gung ho to go to a state college and only applies to there but changes her mind and wants to go to a fancy, college out east her sophomore year (when she does not qualify for the freshman aid package). Or gets bored and quits jobs every six months. Or gets bored and gets a new husband every year.


The last three may sound silly, but if she is 14 and has already had this pattern of behavior for years, do you really think that it will change in four years, once she is 18 and an adult? Just something to think about.




PS. She asked for a video camera & she received a video camera. It can just sit in the corner of her room gathering dust until she moves out. In the future, just give her small presents and, if you want to do it, a bit of cash to buy her own "big" gift.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-20-2016 at 08:16 PM..
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Old 03-20-2016, 08:24 PM
 
389 posts, read 419,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Does your daughter have special needs? Perhaps ADHD?
We've had her tested for ADHD, and she did not test as having it. However, I have questioned this, and believe me, I worry about her future for this reason! She is pretty mature and responsible for most things, but when it comes to extra curricular/hobby type things, she has a very short attention span!

Thank you all for your input. My husband did suggest as an alternative just keeping it, and my initial thought was "What a waste of money." However, looking at it through the lens you have all presented, that does make the most sense. I've learned my lesson as well, and gifts will be smaller scale, and either from a written request or just money.
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