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If he's working and his wife is not, then getting up with the baby is her job. If they can afford to hire help at night and they choose to, great. If not, she gets up with the baby. It's not bailing on parenting responsibilities, it's dividing up the household responsibilities...he's responsible for financially supporting the household, she's responsible for making sure he gets a decent night's sleep so that he's able to continue supporting the household.
That's debatable. More than one person has lost their job where I work due to mistakes made due to lack of sleep, often caused by young children.
It's a big problem in tech actually, and I suspect is a reason why many companies don't like to hire people with children - people without young children are able to focus better. Few people could survive in my department on less than 5 hours of sleep, consistently. For me, I need a good 7 at least.
While, I believe people should be responsible on the job,IMHO it is sad when companies punish people who want to have children
I am a retired special education teacher and I remember the parent of student scheduled to enter my classroom telling me that in her opinion there should be a law that special education teachers be prohibited from ever having children of their own so that they could devote their entire lives to their students.
And, this parent was very serious, not joking. As I was visibly pregnant at the time her words were pretty strong. She actually moved so that her child could be in a classroom where the teacher was not married.
If he's working and his wife is not, then getting up with the baby is her job. If they can afford to hire help at night and they choose to, great. If not, she gets up with the baby. It's not bailing on parenting responsibilities, it's dividing up the household responsibilities...he's responsible for financially supporting the household, she's responsible for making sure he gets a decent night's sleep so that he's able to continue supporting the household.
Do you really not see that a mom needs some uninterrupted sleep too? I mean, weekdays, yes I can see the one who doesn't have to get up in the morning does night time duties. But weekends? Vacations? Holidays? My husband almost never did it to the point that he couldn't. The kids wouldn't settle down for him because they were used to me. And I spent 7 years in a sleep deprived fog. The working parent should help out where they can. being a full time mom is hard and taxing.
If he's working and his wife is not, then getting up with the baby is her job. If they can afford to hire help at night and they choose to, great. If not, she gets up with the baby. It's not bailing on parenting responsibilities, it's dividing up the household responsibilities...he's responsible for financially supporting the household, she's responsible for making sure he gets a decent night's sleep so that he's able to continue supporting the household.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Do you really not see that a mom needs some uninterrupted sleep too? I mean, weekdays, yes I can see the one who doesn't have to get up in the morning does night time duties. But weekends? Vacations? Holidays? My husband almost never did it to the point that he couldn't. The kids wouldn't settle down for him because they were used to me. And I spent 7 years in a sleep deprived fog. The working parent should help out where they can. being a full time mom is hard and taxing.
As a mother of three, I agree with the first poster. I didn't relish getting up at night with a newborn, and I was very tired for a while, but my husband had to actually get up and go to work at 6:30 am every weekday. He has a physical, demanding job--auto mechanic--and can't afford to make mistakes because of sleep deprivation. I could rest a bit during the day. He couldn't.
Saying the working parent and stay-at-home parent should equally divide nighttime childcare during the week makes about as much sense to me as saying these same two parents should equally divide laundry, cooking, and household cleaning during the week. Stay-at-home means you do the lion's share of the work at home...right?
But to address the second poster, of course, on the weekend, sure, he did more for the kids at night (and a lot more during the day too).
We were super lucky that all our babies slept through the night by 12 weeks, and rarely woke at night after that--but I know that isn't necessarily a typical experience. Maybe I'd feel differently if my kids hadn't slept through the night for 7 years.
Since it's clear from the OP that he had at least one kid and managed, I'm wondering why this is all such a mystery to him. Doesn't he have some wisdom to share with his coworker about early parenthood?
I don't understand his concern if his wife is at home. Just because 'these days men are expected to do more' doesn't mean that is what his family life will look like. If he explains to his wife he needs sleep and will help out on the weekend, I would imagine she'd be understanding.
I personally didn't expect my husband to get up or be disturbed by the kids when I was at home and he was working. He is way over thinking this.
No paternity leave, unfortunately. My kids took almost a full year before they started sleeping through the night consistently, however, so I'm not sure how much good four weeks of paternity leave would do. The first few weeks certainly are the hardest, however. Even teenagers are easier than that!
This is not necessarily true. Mine slept a lot in the first 1-4 months, and woke up just to nurse. Once they start teething...sleep becomes a whole different ball game. I was also a stay at home mom so I did all the night duty. I was a strung out cranky mess for 5 years or so, but my husband got his beauty rest. Philosophically I didn't have a problem with that.
Many new parents deal with their anxieties by glomming on to one issue that they can focus all your worry on. The OPs coworker has chosen lack of sleep leading to losing his job as his focus. He can only parent his child one day at a time, and he can only do his job one day at a time, so he should just not cross this bridge until he gets to it.
Our first one was a tough one but it was self inflicted because Mom would charge into the room every time the baby made a sound. Then she was so tired she wanted me to help. This after working 10-12 hour days. It just about killed both of us and I can guarantee my work suffered.
We eventually got the kid to sleep through the night by making sure Mom stayed put instead of flying out of bed at every squeak.
Our first one was a tough one but it was self inflicted because Mom would charge into the room every time the baby made a sound. Then she was so tired she wanted me to help. This after working 10-12 hour days. It just about killed both of us and I can guarantee my work suffered.
We eventually got the kid to sleep through the night by making sure Mom stayed put instead of flying out of bed at every squeak.
Many of our friends used baby monitors. They could hear every tiny, tiny little sound and would immediately rush in to the baby's room (if they weren't already sleeping in there or vice versa). Some of those baby monitors were so powerful I bet that they could hear a fly, sitting on the window sill on the other side of the room, pass gas!
We always used white noise machines, in both our bedroom and the baby's room, and we still could easily hear whenever the baby needed us. But, if the baby was just yawning, or wiggling or moving their fingers or just breathing a little loudly we just left them self-sooth.
Disclaimer......but every family is different.
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