can't agree (ideas, son, grandfather, learning)

[AnnaNomus]

Originally Posted by goochgirl

So since my last post things have been better in some ways but once in a while it will get bad for a minute. When It does get bad it usually doesn't last long. Also when it gets bad it usually starts b/c of something that has nothing to do with me. Okay so I had a long talk w/ my bf two nights in a row. I thought he may of really understood where I was coming from with some of the things I tried to tell him. Like for example I brought up my feeling like he wasn't attracted to me or my feeling that he never initiated sex, or w/e. Well that night he initiated it even doing things for me w/o me doing it back. Which is something I had been wanting him to do for mos. Also I expressed how I really needed him to stop talking so bad to me when he gets angry like always calling me a ***** even when it isn't me that he is mad at. And always saying I want other men or am with other men if I leave house. Well he went almost 24 hrs. w/o calling me a ***** but then he got upset w/ kids. Then he called me the w word for no reason, just taking his anger out on me. He then said that if I want him to treat me better than I have to do what he wants which I feel is wrong b/c how are you going to with hold your love for me unless I do your stipulations. Well next evening he tells me he is going next day to buy me an engagement ring since he just got some money back from income tax. I told him that yes I would love a ring but that he doesn't have to buy one right now since I know there's things he needs to buy w/ that money right now. Well he didn't go buy one obviously instead but he said he still was going to just hasn't went yet. Everything had been good between us for almost 2 days. Then my daughter made him mad, so he tells me that he doesn't want to live here w/ us that he can't stand it. That my kids talk back and don't do what their told and that I let them get away w/ it. But that isn't true. I don't let them get away w/ it He thinks I favor my daughter. Which also isn't true I

What you are doing right now is teaching your young daughter how to let men treat her, and teaching your little boy how to treat women. You need to do for yourself what you would want your own daughter to do in your situation, and I'm pretty sure that would be to NOT put up with that crap. Your boyfriend's insecurities and bitterness is bigger than any little bit of love he might say he has for you, and it's not worth it.

For the sake of your children, you really need to get out of this relationship. Yeah, when he realizes you are getting stronger, he's going to promise to change, promise to marry you, be on his best behavior...but it's not going to last. He's already shown his true colors, and they're not going away.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by goochgirl

Well he went almost 24 hrs. w/o calling me a *****

Originally Posted by bus man

If you cannot make this claim 365 days per year, then you are with the wrong man.

Sweetie, your abusive BF has kept you away from girlfriends, friends and co-workers for so long that you do not realize that loving men usually can go many years if not decades or an entire lifetime without calling their GF or wife a *****.

Please get help. Get counseling and gain the strength & financial ability to leave him.

Day after day your daughter is hearing this and learning from you that it is OK for a woman to be abused and just stay in the relationship.

Your daughter will be dating in less than ten years. How would you advise her if she told you with pride that her new boy friend managed to go almost a whole 24 hours without calling her a *****?

Day after day your son is hearing this and watching this and learning that some men treat women like crap and that it is OK to be abusive because you are the man.

Your son will also be dating in about ten years. How are you going to feel when you see him treat his GFs in the same manner?

BTW, On numerous occasions I have seen male students have serious problems in school because they treat female teachers in the same way that they see their mom's BF treat them. I had a former preschool student who called all the women at the school "Stupid, F***ing B****!" He truly felt that was an appropriate thing to do because that is what he heard the adult males in his life call his mother and her sister from the day he was born.

At age three he even called our female principal "Stupid, F***ing B****!" plus a few other phrases that he had learned from the adult males in his life. If the child would not have been a special education student he would have been suspended each and every time that called a teacher, therapist or the principal a nasty name.

It took months just to get him to stop using obscenities and bad names in the classroom and even longer for him to start treating his female teachers and therapists with any respect at all. He loved his father and looked up to him. He frequently told us things like "Daddy says ALL women are worthless c*****!" and "Daddy says ALL women cheat and lie!"

Goochgirl, your children have been hearing these things for years. Especially now that their grandfather is not around to provide a good male role model they will grow up thinking that what your BF does and says is normal behavior between couples. And, IMHO, it certainly is not normal behavior.

[Kibbiekat]

Please do not marry this man. You deserve better. Decent men do not call their girlfriends names. Ever.

[goochgirl]

Okay first I wanted to reply to the one person who posted that they hope someone isn't one here just goofing off and that this post is on the up and up. Yes it is true the things I post. It is my only means of talking about things that I need to vent about that I would of normally talked to my dad about before he died. Also I wanted to say that I do not think an engagement ring will fix everything. We have been together for a little over 8 years. It wasn't always this bad. In the beg. He was really good to me probably all up until last 4 years but I am just so tired of it. He tells me almost every day that he is going to leave me. I tell him to go a head that I want that but then the next day nothing will happen. We will talk about things we want to change almost at some point every night or w/e and sometimes it turns into a fight b/c eventually during our talks one of us will say or blame the other for something and it is usually supposedly all my fault for every problem we have. Anyways we fight a lot about money b/c I have always paid most of the bills most of our relationship and he gets mad if I bring that up. He works in spring and summer mos at my grandpas golf course. When my dad was alive he helped us a lot financially and now that he has passed he left me a bit of money not a ton but enough to get buy for now. I don't try to make him feel bad about it but I always say that he should help out more and maybe get another or diff job. He does help us w/ his money it just isn't much. I don't mind paying for stuff though if he loves me like I love him. I just don't want to pay for him if he doesn't love me. I worked until my dad got sick last july. I can't go back to work yet theres just so much

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by goochgirl

Okay first I wanted to reply to the one person who posted that they hope someone isn't one here just goofing off and that this post is on the up and up. Yes it is true the things I post. It is my only means of talking about things that I need to vent about that I would of normally talked to my dad about before he died. Also I wanted to say that I do not think an engagement ring will fix everything. We have been together for a little over 8 years. It wasn't always this bad. In the beg. He was really good to me probably all up until last 4 years but I am just so tired of it. He tells me almost every day that he is going to leave me. I tell him to go a head that I want that but then the next day nothing will happen. We will talk about things we want to change almost at some point every night or w/e and sometimes it turns into a fight b/c eventually during our talks one of us will say or blame the other for something and it is usually supposedly all my fault for every problem we have. Anyways we fight a lot about money b/c I have always paid most of the bills most of our relationship and he gets mad if I bring that up. He works in spring and summer mos at my grandpas golf course. When my dad was alive he helped us a lot financially and now that he has passed he left me a bit of money not a ton but enough to get buy for now. I don't try to make him feel bad about it but I always say that he should help out more and maybe get another or diff job. He does help us w/ his money it just isn't much. I don't mind paying for stuff though if he loves me like I love him. I just don't want to pay for him if he doesn't love me. I worked until my dad got sick last july. I can't go back to work yet theres just so much

The best thing you have going here is that you are not financially dependent on him.

Is he on the lease?

[goochgirl]

Also he had bought me an engagement ring when I was pregnant with his son. It was beautiful and we got along better then. But one night I had taken it off and set it on my dresser. My mom came over unexpectedly and I never seen it again. So I don't know. Anyway today he got mad at kids one time when they completely disobeyed me and he called me the w word but I got really upset and said it isn't right he takes it out on me when he gets mad. He apologized and has been nice all evening plus all day earlier

[goochgirl]

no he isn't on lease

[goochgirl]

It does suck b/c when we fight I will say I want him to go but then If he goes out door and starts to leave I will say for him not to. Also he will say he is breaking up and leaving but then doesn't its really confusing. No I don't want my kids to ever deal w/ what I do. As of now, my son will sometimes stick up for me and tell him to be nice to me. He loves me and hopefully always respects woman.

[goochgirl]

Also I do have to say even though I know we have problems I really don't know how good I could handle if we truly broke up right now. I probably need to talk to a counselor before I even decide on that. Because it will be extremely hard onme even more than it is now. IF we broke up all I would have in my life is my kids. I literally talk to no one else but him and my kids. IF he continues to keep trying and doing better since our talks I would want to stick it out. He says he truly loves me and wants better for us and kids we just have things we need to work on.

[AfternoonCoffee]

One thing: if he barely works, and you haven't worked since July, he doesn't like you talking to anyone but him, and your kids don't socialize, y'all are probably all spending too much time together. So every annoyance and argument is magnified. You should get a job as soon as possible. You need a job for so many reasons.

Also, I don't understand all the engagement ring talk. Why does that matter at all? Is this someone you want to be married to? If you've been together 8 years and have a child together, why in the world would you even discuss wasting money on an engagement ring? You've had an 8 year "engagement." Either y'all want to get married or you don't. It sounds like you both don't want to.