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I would also think about the possibility of her using drugs. sudden changes in grades and attitude signs..... They have home drug tests or have the dr do one on her when she goes to the dr.
Absolutely. A sudden drop in grades is one of the major signals that the child is doing drugs. You need to search her drawers, her closet, and everything else. Be relentless about this, because the consequences of letting this go are too awful to contemplate.
I have a child that is in high school that is determined to go to college and absolutely must keep her grades up. So I do know how you must be devistated by your child's grades dropping.
I think you should talk with her, find out what she feels is important to her right now and for her future. The two of you need to discuss how to balance everything out so that she can she can get the things she needs now (friends, going to the funeral, and the prom) as well as prepare for the future (raise her grades and keep up with college forms). She as a child must respect you and your wishes as a parent, but you as a parent must also do your best to understand what and why your child wants and needs the things they say are important to them. Sometimes, after hearing my child's reasons for wanting to do something that I initally say she shouldn't do, I understand her point of view, envision myself as a teenager in her place, and have changed my decision at times.
In your situation, all three parents involved need to work with each other, not against each other. You all need to discuss why you do or don't want to give permission for a major event and make a group discion. If one parent gives an answer to the child as to whether or not they may attend a major event and the other parent hears from the child somthing that they disagree with, the parents need to discuss it out and hear each other's points of views as well as ask the child her point of view as to why she wants to do or not want to do whatever the topic is. (remember she's 17 years old, she needs to learn how to make logical decisions now - soon you won't have any say) In my opinion, the most important thing is that the family members do not push each other away from one another or lose trust in one another. A family needs to be able to trust and support each other even when they don't agree.
Remember, no one is perfect. We are all doing the best that we can with the knoweldge and abilities that we each have. That said, in my opinion, she should be allowed to go to the funeral. A funeral sometimes is the only way to get closure to a person's death even if they were only aquaitences. Some people NEED to go to the funeral to accept that the death really happened. Also, just like Regarese said, this funeral might be THE talk of school. If your daughter is the only one of that person's friends that doesn't attend the funeral, she will feel judged by her peers as to why she didn't support her friend whose father died or her friends that did attend the funeral. She might hear others talking about the funeral and things that were said and done there and she might be more upset that she wasn't able to experience it with them.
By you saying that all of the sudden she seems to be overly concerned with her weight and the prom. The weight might not have bothered her until recently - she might have recently decided that she could be doing more social activities and have more friends including boyfriends - which yes, is a big concern of most teenagers - even if parents don't want to accept the fact. Is it that she's obsessed with getting a boyfriend or does she want to be overall more social such as have a boyfriend and more friends? If she already has plenty of friends and is only focused on wanting a boyfriend, that's normal. Most kids in high school go through a few boyfriends/girlfriends throughout their years of school. Her female friends most likely all have boyfriends or are making it well known that they NEED one and her male friends all most likely have girlfriends or are making it well known that they are available! Maybe she has reached a point in her life that she needs to have more friends, closer friends, or just fit in. Most teens go to the prom with a date and often as a group of friends. She might be hearing of others making plans and feel left out. Even though I make sure that my daughter keeps her grades up, I also know how extremely important it is to be socially accepted and part of a group of your peers. Maybe she realizes that her high school years are almost over and she wants to remember times other than books and studying. She might be realizing that soon she will be in college - an adult! Not a little kid anymore. That is very scary!! Once you realize that, you realize that you can be someone different, someone bolder, you're changing schools - no one knows you there - you can go from teen geek to college glamour girl (and no one knew the geek side of you!) Maybe she's thinking she wants to be more social once she gets to college and knows that she needs to work on social skills before attending college.
If your child already has lots of friends in school, maybe she is just afraid of losing contact with them once high school ends. Maybe that's why she wants to be more social now - to make sure to make memories that will last even after they all move away from each other.
If your child does not have friends and is only focused on getting a boyfriend or a date for the prom, then you might want to talk to her about having true friends and help her to make friends and let her know that making friends might also lead to making a boyfriend. You might also want to discuss your opinions on correct behavior between a boyfriend and girlfriend at their age. Also, make sure she knows that even though she is on birth control, some people have become pregnant while on birth control and make sure to discuss STD's as well.
I would not make my child take a drug test without honestly believing that drugs are the problem! That would RUIN her trust in you.
You might want to take a moment to think back when things started to change. You said that she started birth control pills. The change in behavior might be a reaction to them. You also said that she began changing after school started back from the Christmas break. Did she start mentioning things that the kids were talking about after Christmas break? (Such as the prom) Usually after Christmas break, kids start talking about school being almost over and things like that. Her change in behavior might just be her wanting to fit in with her peers.
If that is it, I suggest that you help her do so. With the "right" peers of course. I believe all parents should be aware of their children's friends and their activities that they participate in. This can be hard to do sometimes, but if done right, the parent can become part of the group and actually expected and invited to join in some of the activities - such as movie night at your house, playing a game of basketball, or having all the girls get ready for the evening at your house and help them do their hair.
Why are we talking about drugs in this thread?! IMO, if some of you guys want to talk about the perils of drugs and teenagers, you should start another thread to do it. This one isn't appropriate for it, if you ask me. Subject covered by OP. Done.
MainStreet, I'm so glad you had such a great vacation and some "you" time. Keep us updated on DD and let us know how things are going.
Well she is going through a rough patch but from what you have said about her, she is determined to go to college and you said she isn't a bad child.
The funeral could have given closure for her. I lost my best friend and did not know about it till she was buried for 3 months. I had moved away and had our first argument ever about a girl I didn't like. I just didn't trust this new friend of hers. It wasn't jealousy, I had this terrible vibe about her. That girl killed her in a car accident inwhich she took her car and rammed it under a parked 18 wheeler. The girl I didn't like walked out without a scratch but my best friend was killed instantly. We all felt that an investigation should have been done and the girl charged with something. Nothing was done.
I had kept myself from calling her for 3 months and just could not bare to not talk to her, then I find out through her mother. I don't have closure to this day about it all. I wish I could have known and been there to say goodbye. Those are markers for children and important. I am sure it was expected that many would not be in school that day and am sure there would have been some sort of grace as far as missed work.
I do understand a tidbit of what your saying and position. I have a 12 year old who is head strong like yours but overall a great kid. There are things that are important to them and we have to remember they do have feelings even if it was just a good friend. Her classmate meant something to her and believe that she reacted the way she did to you because she is emotional about him dying. Death brings out so many things in people and we all react so differently than what is expected. I know personally I am surprised by my own reactions to people I have lost... He must have been very special to her.
I wanted to end in saying that you are a very loving mother who cares deeply for your daughter. I got that from reading your post... Loving our kids sometimes hurts and you wonder how we can love like we do and they treat us the way they do... hang in there. I am sure it will be better. This is just a rough patch.
Last edited by stargazer; 02-23-2008 at 01:07 AM..
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stargazer
Reply to orginal post
Well she is going through a rough patch but from what you have said about her, she is determined to go to college and you said she isn't a bad child.
The funeral could have given closure for her. I lost my best friend and did not know about it till she was buried for 3 months. I had moved away and had our first argument ever about a girl I didn't like. I just didn't trust this new friend of hers. It wasn't jealousy, I had this terrible vibe about her. That girl killed her in a car accident inwhich she took her car and rammed it under a parked 18 wheeler. The girl I didn't like walked out without a scratch but my best friend was killed instantly. We all felt that an investigation should have been done and the girl charged with something. Nothing was done.
I had kept myself from calling her for 3 months and just could not bare to not talk to her, then I find out through her mother. I don't have closure to this day about it all. I wish I could have known and been there to say goodbye. Those are markers for children and important. I am sure it was expected that many would not be in school that day and am sure there would have been some sort of grace as far as missed work.
I do understand a tidbit of what your saying and position. I have a 12 year old who is head strong like yours but overall a great kid. There are things that are important to them and we have to remember they do have feelings even if it was just a good friend. Her classmate meant something to her and believe that she reacted the way she did to you because she is emotional about him dying. Death brings out so many things in people and we all react so differently than what is expected. I know personally I am surprised by my own reactions to people I have lost... He must have been very special to her.
I wanted to end in saying that you are a very loving mother who cares deeply for your daughter. I got that from reading your post... Loving our kids sometimes hurts and you wonder how we can love like we do and they treat us the way they do... hang in there. I am sure it will be better. This is just a rough patch.
I really appreciate everyone posts and insight. It's been one week since my daughter and I communicated. I did try calling my ex's house once and there was no answer; I sent her an email inquiring about her violin audition, telling her I hoped it went well; she didn't respond and I do know she read it. The thing that is bothering me the most is that her dad and stepmother have not called or emailed to update me. I do know that my daughter is having happy days with her friends and life appears to be quite normal for her.
This week's goals for me are doing want I can to gently mend our relationship as soon as possible, as her birthday is one week from today.
I have been in good spirits at work, but every so often some emotion breaks in that I didn't sign up for a failed marriage, let alone being a 50% parent (time wise-I know I'll always be her mom) and now missing out on her school news. I checked her grades online and they have gone up. Her English F is now a high C.
I tried to articulate as best I could to her about remaining calm when she wants something, that parents negotiate and compromise; I most likely would have let her go to the funeral if she would have sat down with me and talked about it.
I do want to correct one thing though, the funeral was for the father of a classmate and not the classmate. My daughter didn't even know him well enough to know his occupation. I thought the visitation the night before the funeral was appropriate.
The irony of the entire thing is that her grandfather, although in good spirits and activity, is not doing well with his cancer. I read between the lines of his communications (like wanting to show me the workings of their well and pump at the house, making sure I know how much the property taxes are and their average utility costs, etc) and he is planning for his death. I am trying very hard to not get down about them not getting to spend some rare time together on the beach. Not to mention the gifts they sent home with me for her seventeenth birthday coming up this Saturday.
I have to keep myself in check and not act with the urgency that I feel.
Thanks again to everyone for their continued kind words and support.
Last edited by MainStreet; 02-23-2008 at 08:48 AM..
Obviously there is something bothering your daughter in combination with teen angst which is making it harder for her to cope. Please get her to a therapist so she has someone to talk to. Perhaps you can do combo therapy together where you have sessions that facilitate your communication. It seems she wants to talk to you (esp. when she made the remark that noone cares about her health) but is not able to say what is on her mind. It could be something as seemingly small as she is depressed by her social standing or something larger; regardless it is effecting her strongly.
ETA - A major drop in grades is a sign that something is distracting her in a major way; it could be boys, it could be drugs/alcohol, it could be depression, it could be a cry for help. Searching her room is a way to really transform this relationship to a complete antagonistic/adversarial one & then you will only succeeded in alienating her further. Making a toddler or a teenager feel a major loss of control is one of the worst things you can do.
Last edited by b75; 02-23-2008 at 12:22 PM..
Reason: ETA more feedback
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Two weeks to the day....
Yeah!!!! My daughter and I reconciled last night. It was very unexpected. We went out to dinner and she was my calm, funny, wonderful kid again. Her dad (or stepmother-I honestly don't know) did take her to the doctor two days ago (note: without telling me, but that is a different story) for her fatigue and constipation (another missing fact) and the doctor took her off an acne medication. Still waiting on blood work.
She talked non-stop, filling me in on her life and school. She is still very preoccupied with boys and the prom, but she was very calm.
She'll be back with me on Sunday.
Without telling the entire long story, I get the drift that she has been on her own for the last two weeks; dad working a second shift and she didn't really know much about his wife; my daughter had the same indifferent opinion of her.
I've always told her that I was her "witness" and I think she got tired of there being no witness; theoretically.
Great to hear. Just curious-did the discussion of her behaviour toward you come up, or is that for a different time?
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Two weeks to the day....
