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For one thing, please learn how to use apostrophes.
Sorry my typos and misuse of apostrophes bothered you enough to post about. Think that was actually necessary? I'm glad you are smart enough to read through all my mistakes and still get a handle on what I was trying to say.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkmax
For another, I know it hurts, but you're going to have to let your kid go. Arm him with knowledge and resources to keep himself safe, and let him go. He can be out on his own in a year or less, and you won't be able to do anything then. There is really no point in trying to "stop him" now. Just try to teach him to make good choices, and hope for the best.
True.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
What is the concern here, if you've taught him about safe sex and given him condoms? I don't understand your thinking process. You've given him everything he needs to have sex responsibly. Were you thinking it would somehow be better if he had sex with her when you were in the house? I'm not following.
Also bear in mind that in another year, or possibly another few months, he'll be going to college (won't he?), and at that point, you won't be able to make any rules. What's the difference between now and several months or a year from now?
Kids who want to have sex have places to go where they can do that. It might be a secluded area in a park, or a friend's room when those parents are at work, or wherever. Have you considered the highly mixed messages you're sending him, by handing out condoms, but forbidding him to bring his gf home while you're away? It doesn't make sense.
My thinking process is that I know if I lift the 'no girlfriends over when I'm not home rule' that it's almost feels like me giving him the go-ahead to use the empty house as a daily hook-up shack. I'm having trouble with that, even though I'm ok with him having sex (if he's safe!). I didn't give him condoms as an invitation to start having sex, I gave them to him because I knew it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not and I wanted him prepared. I don't even know if HER parents are ok with their alone time. I'm just kinda trying to feel everything out right now.
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Originally Posted by Frostnip
You should consider not making a rule you can't enforce.
And then there's this. I can't enforce it anyway so that's kind-of a problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip
If you're resigned to the idea that they'll probably have sex, and she's not a risk in other ways (e.g. drugs, theft), there's really no reason to bar her from being at your house when you're not home.
I said in my first post that there's nothing you can do to stop them from using your house as a hotel, and given your circumstances I do believe that. But that doesn't mean we parents should just give up and say, "Oh well, they're gonna have sex, so I can't do a damn thing about it." I also don't respect parents who let teen BFs and GFs sleep over or who rationalize to themselves, "They're better off having it at my house than in a car parked in an alley!"
The reality is that teens are smart and capable and WILL find a way to have sex, and that parents who live in our current culture cannot reasonably prevent it from happening. But there's a difference between educating about sex and promoting it.
Accepting the fact that they most likely will have sex when given the opportunity doesn't mean that you can't say anything to your son about your concerns.
You still very much have the right to talk to him about your feelings, and out of respect for you he should police himself accordingly.
I think there's a difference between, "Yeah, have your booty call while I'm in the next room and can hear every creak of the springs!" and not just...not getting paranoid about potential shenanigans when you're not around. The former is promoting, endorsing. The latter is trusting a young near-adult to make his own informed choices about his body. Unless there's a blanket rule against being alone with friends in general, it's kind of hard to justify just outlawing a girlfriend from the premises, and it's frankly counterproductive to insist on always supervising a mentally healthy, developmentally typical seventeen-year-old's interactions with friends of either gender.
I said in my first post that there's nothing you can do to stop them from using your house as a hotel, and given your circumstances I do believe that. But that doesn't mean we parents should just give up and say, "Oh well, they're gonna have sex, so I can't do a damn thing about it." I also don't respect parents who let teen BFs and GFs sleep over or who rationalize to themselves, "They're better off having it at my house than in a car parked in an alley!"
The reality is that teens are smart and capable and WILL find a way to have sex, and that parents who live in our current culture cannot reasonably prevent it from happening. But there's a difference between educating about sex and promoting it.
Accepting the fact that they most likely will have sex when given the opportunity doesn't mean that you can't say anything to your son about your concerns.
You still very much have the right to talk to him about your feelings, and out of respect for you he should police himself accordingly.
I so agree with this! And, it's been many years since I was a teen, but I remember how I felt about my first sexual relationship. I didn't want my mother's approval, I didn't even want her awareness. And it wasn't because I was ashamed, it was because I viewed the relationship as private between me and my boyfriend.
Even when my mother flat out asked if we were having sex, I said no. If I had answered in the affirmative, she may have surprised me, but I never was given the impression it was acceptable. And, I was fine with that. It wasn't a deterrent, but it did make me more cautious.
I've never understood the parenting mentality of no sex in the house. If my 17yr old is going to have sex I'd rather they use my house than a motel. As you've said, it's going to happen and you seem to be okay with it, except for the hangup of not having it in your house.
Well, it's not rational but I understand the instinctual aversion to it. Still, your choice of word - 'hangup' - is spot on. I don't mean to be harsh. We all have them about some things, after all. And in this case, that's what it is.
OP:
I'm pretty certain that my older son had sex in the house when he was 17 and a high school junior. and I know that my daughter was sexually active as a high school senior of 18, though I do not know where the - um, 'activities' - took place. It is entirely possible that it happened at our house (though there wouldn't have been a lot of opportunities). Did I like the thought? No. But that really wasn't what was important.
It happens. Yes, there are potential risks. But human beings are sexual creatures. Sex is a natural part of human pair-bonding. The best course of action - that most likely to result in your child not experiencing an unplanned pregnancy or acquiring an STD - is to provide all the information and means to have sex with protection that you can. Remember, you may feel better by saying 'no' and you may happen to have one of those children that goes along with that. But it's not about your feelings. It's about good outcomes for your child. And on balance, remember that there's a reason that states that focus on abstinence-opnly education have the highest teen pregnancy rates.
Provide information and be there for your child. That's the best you can do.
My kids are very young so i'm not having to deal with it right now, but I cannot imagine being ok with it. For that matter I wouldn't want anyone sexing up in my house who doesn't pay the mortgage. My kids, house guests, whoever. Get your own house and if you're not in a position to support yourself then maybe you shouldn't be having sex and taking the risks that go along with it- in my house at least. I know! I'm so conservative.
The reality is that teens are smart and capable and WILL find a way to have sex, and that parents who live in our current culture cannot reasonably prevent it from happening. But there's a difference between educating about sex and promoting it.
.
I wonder if teens like the OP's son understand that. Teens don't think like adults; I wonder if he doesn't interpret her handing out condoms as saying that sex is ok. From a tee perspective, it seems like mixed messages.
I wonder if teens like the OP's son understand that. Teens don't think like adults; I wonder if he doesn't interpret her handing out condoms as saying that sex is ok. From a tee perspective, it seems like mixed messages.
I'm sure. That's why Mom needs to just talk to him.
If he is "adult enough" to have a sexual relationship, hopefully he can also handle his mother talking to him about the nuances of their setup.
Respect goes both ways.
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