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Why would your mother be involved at all in your decision to adopt or not?
Quote:
Originally Posted by larali
Because she is our babysitter. And we spend every Sunday at her house (not because I want to but because that's just what we do.) And my two girls lover her. She has said straight out "I wouldn't babysit any kid that is adopted." She is a ***. I want to move away. My husband and I had a fight last week about this. He doesn't want to move.
I am only going to address a few points.
The only people who get to decide if you and your husband should consider adopting a child is YOU and YOUR HUSBAND! And I apologize for shouting at you. But, that is crazy to allow your mother to have any say in the matter.
Just like your mother should not be sleeping in your marriage beddeciding when or if you and your husband should have sex to create a biological child she should not be in your life deciding whether or not you should adopt a child.
Frankly, I think that you should start using a new babysitter and stop relying on your mother so much. And, as a SAHM how often do you really need a babysitter? Once or twice a month for date night?
I don't mean this as an "I told you so," but this is why I so strongly agree with the parenting pundits who say that you are to always have your marriage as #1 in importance over your children, because the idea is that your children will grow up and leave but your marriage is meant to be until death do you part.
If it wasn't for your marriage (assuming a traditional nuclear family setup), your children wouldn't even exist to start with. That isn't just a biological thing, it's meant to be that way, in my opinion.
This is why I have always made a point to not have our marriage and our life revolve around our children. They (the children) had no say in choosing where we go for vacation, and we've never once been to Disney. They've been playing outside alone unsupervised for 1-2 hours at a stretch since they were 2 and 4 years old. We encourage them to make friends and welcome that such means they will be spending the occasional night elsewhere. For the small amount of TV watching they do, they have their own TV in their own room so that ours in the living room reflects what WE like to watch as husband and wife. We don't spend all our time shuttling them to 8032 different soccer games. I still work out and go cycling and playing basketball etc to stay in decent shape. Heck, they were in their own room from the first day home from the hospital.
Do we interact with them? Oh yes, of course we do, we do many things with them. Heck I myself become sad thinking that one day they're going to be grown. I love how they love frogs so much, heck I even let them bring frogs into the house. I maintain a small above-ground pool that is mostly for their entertainment, I mostly jump in lakes and such myself. My son loves trains, one week he was really well behaved at school and owing to that we drove 2 hours out of town and went to a train museum and he got to ride a bona fida train complete with a train conductor. I love how my daughter loves beans and likes hanging in the kitchen while I cook to see how I do it. I like going to their local school to drop off my son's backpack if he forgets it and he will show up at the office with a girl classmate walking with him, it's so cute and adorable. I loved it when our dog would roll on its back and my son would go "that dog has a weinee."
Trust me, NONE of us enjoy the reality of these things no longer being a part of our lives. We so miss all of it. As much as I enjoy it now, it still resides in the back of my brain that one day it's going to be over. I have no doubt that I will feel sad over this prospect.
It's inevitable, however, because it's meant to be that children grow up and become their own autonomous adults. I used to be a child once. Heck my 75 year old mother used to be a child once. One day my 9 year old daughter will be an 80 year old woman and not particularly cute to anybody.
You have to find other interests in life, and that most certainly should include your marriage as well, so long as you're not married to a jerk--and no, his not wanting more children that by itself does not mean he's a dope. These decisions are supposed to be mutual, if he doesn't feel like he has the energy and stamina to be a father beyond the present, he shouldn't have to be. That he doesn't want more children doesn't make him a bad person just because you feel otherwise. You still have a marriage to cultivate. Do so. Same goes, to a lesser extent, with your same-age friends and your hobbies. Life goes on. Your children aren't going to stand still for you. Cherish the past, embrace the present/future as you do so.
I think you have so many issues going on but I want to address the miscarriage. I think miscarriages are horrible and till you've experienced it, is really impossible to imagine the emotional and mental anguish and truama that comes with it. I think it's a form of PTSD and every woman reacts differently. I think given that it all happened a few months ago that you are still grieving and it still take doing time to find yourself again ( and that for child that don't seem to have all the other issues that you have :-)
It's called empty nest syndrome, and lots of us have experienced it. Begin to develop some activities that don't involve children so that you can see yourself and feel yourself as something else besides a mother. It will also set a good example for your daughters to see that their mother can bloom in other ways, and also so that they don't feel responsible for your happiness. You don't want them to feel guilty for growing up and pursuing life on their own I'm sure. I agree with CC123. Good luck, and remember that lots of us have had similar emotions and have seen our way through.
Some people think that when they conceive they are bringing babies. No they are not, they are bringing people who will have a very short childhood.
I think it's rather upsetting that people want to get stuck in that stage of life. I don't think that's healthy. It is really annoying for the kids because they grow up but their parents want them to be the babies they can no longer be. "Oh you were so cute when you were a baby" "If only you could be as sweet as you were when you were 4 years old"
What's so amazing about babies? Unconditional love? that they don't contradict you? that they don't have yet enough cognitive skills to figure out you are not always right? Honestly the only people I personally know that are so obsessed with their kid's childhood are narcissists.
Adopt a pet to channel all those emotions into something incredibly positive.
If you yearn to spend time with small kids, babysitting jobs..
I know these will not fill the void but time heals everything, so they say, and in the meantime you have something extra to do that takes away from your sad thoughts.
Definitely pursue any interests that you may have, take a sewing class, gardening, whataver you fancy. Its time to do things for yourself and definitely it helps your children too. Act for yourself but dont focus too much on thoughts about you, if that makes sense.
I don't know why some people hear "stay at home mom" and assume I sit around and pick my nose all day. I volunteer at the school (as I said) most days of the week. Since my kids were in preschool, I've been a reading and science volunteer. Yesterday I spent all day teaching a group of 5th graders about 3-D printing. I have been at the school all day, as we speak, and am getting ready to go back tonight for an art show.
The kids get off at 2 every day. Then it's swimming, Girl Scouts (which I did already mention I'm a leader, and that's more work than it sounds like), soccer, piano, ballet, gymnastics and whatever else they are "into" at the moment. Weekends are soccer games, church, playdates and family activities. I've also mentored with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I've been a Guardian Ad Litem. I am an active member of NAMI and DAR. I'm pretty damn busy.
I don't know why I don't have any friends... I talk to people all the time but I don't ever spend personal time with adults. I would like to have friends. I mentioned this to my mother and she said "I never needed friends" as if I were being selfish to even say such a thing.
That's part of why I am pissed at mom and husband. They both guilt trip me whenever I mention my needs. Forget me ever going to work. My husband would guilt trip me and my mom would give me hell, because I would be "letting someone else raise my kids" or some such nonsense.
I have signed up for a class this summer thinking I might get a master's degree. Got crap from the husband about it. Haven't dared tell mom. Practical me wonders if I should be using the money to save up for my kids' college educations.
I did go to a job fair a few weeks ago, just for kicks. I literally wasn't qualified for anything. And again, what would I do with the kids if I had a job? They are out of school all summer and daycare stops at age 12. Who would take them to lessons? I even drive their friends everywhere. I am the neighborhood mom.
Because she is our babysitter. And we spend every Sunday at her house (not because I want to but because that's just what we do.) And my two girls lover her. She has said straight out "I wouldn't babysit any kid that is adopted." She is a ***. I want to move away. My husband and I had a fight last week about this. He doesn't want to move.
I would go back to school. Teacher's are needed, and I would think you'd be a great teacher. You can even take most of your classes online when you have the time.
One thing I am noticing from your description of yourself is that you sound like you have ADHD/OCD. This is difficult to have as an adult when you don't know. Your obsession with your kids, and your need to be doing things all the time while feeling lost while in down time sound familiar to me. I work with a lot of people who have this. Depression is a side effect, so get into a doctor, see if he agrees. You don't have to treat it, sometimes just knowing what's wrong will help change your direction. I'm not recommending meds, just knowledge. This would be my best guess.
I'd go to a doctor and talk to them about seeing if you have Adult ADHD/OCD. You can also look into it online. See if you feel like other adults who have it. Then you'll know WHY you get these feelings. Just like we KNOW when we have PMS, and can give ourselves a break.
You can then use it to your advantage and stop associating your symptoms with your growing kids. That's the OCD issue. Obsession with this idea that your problems stem from your growing children. It seem like much more than just a passing thought for you.
If you do have this, knowing will help free you up to do other things with that energy. It's not because your kids are older, it's because you need to have a goal orientated life or you'll get obsessive and depressed. One thing I hear a lot from Adult ADHDers is they aren't qualified for anything. They paint themselves with a broad brush.
You obviously were forced into being a parents daily. Therefore you did learn how to be a good parent. You just have to keep that in mind and apply yourself to another path in the same way.
You might check your thyroid as well. Sometimes a low/high thyroid can mimic these symptoms as well. (Graves disease)
I'm sorry your husband and mother aren't more understanding. I hope I didn't offend you in anyway, you just show a lot of symptoms of ADHD/OCD and listening to your story makes me think you might have this, it will also come with anxiety about something like your health or fear of something bad happening. Might as well check so you stop beating yourself up. Good luck, and hope things get better.
OP take long walk everyday!!! Trust me you will be feel much better. That relax your mind and it is a good therapy for depression. That was best advise given to the mother of my friend. She is doing much better now. I hope things will get better soon.
My son is 12, I couldnt imagine having small kids again. At his age life is so much easier and funer. Now we can go fishing, dirt bike riding, shoiting and a bunch of other fun more adult activities that you can not do with little kids. If I need to go to the store he can just stay at home and me and his mom can go if he don't feel like going. He can help cook now, can dress how he wants, can do his own homework for the most part.
Having older kids is great, you get your freedom back and have someone to do new experiences with. Even if I have done something before, its great watching him do it for the first time. He also likes doing things his mom don't like to do such as driving on giant sand dunes so it allows me to do things with some one that I would normally do alone. Another great thing is me and his mom can go do more on our own now that he can stay at home by him self.
Try not to look at the negitives of not having small children but all the positives of having older children.
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