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Also, it's worth noting that the parents in all of these cases are certainly not happy about this situation (i.e., the adult children with a degree living at home & doing nothing; or, next to nothing).
I personally don't have any kids, but I know enough people with kids in this situation to know that the parents do NOT want the kids @ home - they want them out of there, working & supporting themselves. That's why they spent good $ on putting the kids through college. If the kids aren't using the degree to find gainful employment, they may as well be using it for toilet paper.
After a certain age, no parent wants to put up with this bull$#@$.
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 05-26-2016 at 11:43 PM..
I'm 28, male, and I've spent the past 10 years gaining a first class degree, masters and recently a PhD in physics, which is a solid foundation to now go after professional career by any normal standards. I've had to move back to my parents' house until I find employment and I'm desperate to get out of there and be independent again, but the thought of being in a proper 'professional' / career job is not an appealing one at this moment. I don't know if it's just that I'm worn out from years of educational stress, but right now I feel like ****ing around and scraping by for the rest of my life. Working just enough to get by, just enough to get loaded and have fun with my dead-end, drug-addled friends that are still right here in my home town where I left them a decade ago.
I'm in a great position to go and do something 'professional' but I keep questioning what the point is. I mean, I go after a serious job where I'm expected to be highly competent and productive for decades - why?
To earn lots of money - why?
To be able to buy fancy things - why?
To keep or attract a woman that likes fancy things (as most of them do) and get married, gambling everything I'll have ever worked for on her emotional whims not suddenly changing - why?
To have a child or children - why?
To spend an absolute fortune raising them and inviting an enormous and avoidable amount of stress/responsibility/obligation into my life - why?
And I've not been able to get past that last "why". What part of that life is supposed to be appealing? It seems to me that in the past there was far more pressure from 'society' for men to do these things (and many other things). Young adult males are not so easily influenced by societal traditions/taboos these days and many of us can just openly admit (to ourselves as well as others) that that life sounds like a boring, depressing crock of ****.
I've come to realise that there's nothing in life I get more enjoyment out of than getting blasted with my idiot friends and enjoying nature. Not learning or developing skills/my mind, not owning expensive luxuries, not eating delicious foods, not being in a long term relationship, not even sex/intimacy. If I'm 100% honest, what I really like the most in life is red wine, cannabis, acid, ketamine, psilocybin, DMT, good music and being outdoors. People will call that immature and short-sighted, and it is, but it's also as honest as I can be about my desires.
Cool story, bro ... just one thing ... it's not your dope-addicted friends who are the "idiots" in it.
Also, it's worth noting that the parents in all of these cases are certainly not happy about this situation (i.e., the adult children with a degree living at home & doing nothing; or, next to nothing).
I personally don't have any kids, but I know enough people with kids in this situation to know that the parents do NOT want the kids @ home - they want them out of there, working & supporting themselves. That's why they spent good $ on putting the kids through college. If the kids aren't using the degree to find gainful employment, they may as well be using it for toilet paper.
After a certain age, no parent wants to put up with this bull$#@$.
In a land far, far, away a long time ago, think 1972; here is how things were supposed to work:
Your kids went off to college. Tuition was cheap. They earned a degree in 4 years and at college your daughter met a young man with a future, e.g. an engineer.
They fell in love, he got a good job at IBM, and she used her RN to start a career in the local hospital. They married and started their life together at the location of his new job. They lived on her income and saved his for a down payment on a new house. Within 2 years they bought that house and they started a family. He earned enough that she could choose to become a stay at home mom if they chose.
Current scenario: Your kids go off to college, the cost is so high that most become debt slaves before graduation. They cannot find the good job because most have been out sourced or moved to Asia. The house that they would need now costs $350K. A 20% down payment, $70K, is an unattainable goal. The wages are the same as 30 years ago but the costs have kept rising.
So they give up before they start. Mom's basement provides a free couch with wi-fi and a video game provides mind numbing entertainment.
In a land far, far, away a long time ago, think 1972; here is how things were supposed to work:
Your kids went off to college. Tuition was cheap. They earned a degree in 4 years and at college your daughter met a young man with a future, e.g. an engineer.
They fell in love, he got a good job at IBM, and she used her RN to start a career in the local hospital. They married and started their life together at the location of his new job. They lived on her income and saved his for a down payment on a new house. Within 2 years they bought that house and they started a family. He earned enough that she could choose to become a stay at home mom if they chose.
Current scenario: Your kids go off to college, the cost is so high that most become debt slaves before graduation. They cannot find the good job because most have been out sourced or moved to Asia. The house that they would need now costs $350K. A 20% down payment, $70K, is an unattainable goal. The wages are the same as 30 years ago but the costs have kept rising.
So they give up before they start. Mom's basement provides a free couch with wi-fi and a video game provides mind numbing entertainment.
Why leave?
The OP didn't mention if the nephew had college debt or not. If his parent's paid for his education then this isn't a reason for his disinterest in employment. And given that the average graduate has about 35K, I don't think it's a valid reason for most. Do you really believe that educational debt roughly the amount of a car is a reason to give up at age 22? I know lots of kids who had debt, continued to lived cheap with roommates for a few years after school and now are debt free. Now if we're talking about those who put themselves 150K in debt, that's another kettle of fish. Unless their degreet has an MD attached to it, they are in a bind.....due to their own poor choices.
I'm not sure if others will agree on this but it's a thought- why not encourage him to find contract/part-time jobs in his field during the day hours? It would be much easier for him to get hired than a full-time position and would give him valuable experience on his resume. He could also keep his current job that way and patch enough money together to start a savings account. A lot of my former classmates did similar things- especially since we graduated together in Michigan during the worst of the recession. It's not uncommon at all. A good year or two of contract work would qualify him for a much wider scope of positions in his area, I would imagine.
The fact is that there have always been these kind of people in the population. For whatever reason, they don't ever want to leave the nest and try their wings. In the past, when only the brightest and the wealthy attended college, these individuals generally didn't attend college and didn't attract much attention because of their menial jobs. It was also expected that unmarried children would live at home; most people didn't move into their own apartments until they married. Of course the college grads back then were much more likely to live on their own, often because they moved to other places to start/follow their careers.
There's a big difference between somebody who barely graduated from HS working a menial job and living at home and a college grad working a part-time menial job and living at home playing video games. In fact, most would think the part-time worker with the video game addiction would be unacceptable too. In "the good old days", he'd have been considered lazy and "good for nothing". Being a college grad only makes his behavior seem worse.
My guess is the the kid in the OP has some psychological problems that need to be dealt with one way or another. He'll continue on his current path as long as his parents allow it.
My brother's son graduated from college in December 2015 with a degree in Computer Science. His passion has always been computers and he spends hours a day in his room playing with his computer.
But ever since he has graduated from college he has shown no interest at all in applying for a full time job in IT. He is perfectly comfortable just working his part time movie theatre job and hanging out with friends, playing with his computer in his room and living at home with Mom and Dad.
My brother and and his wife have tried everything to motivate him to look for a full time professional job and have got no where. Throwing him out of the house is a difficult mix of moral, ethical and legal issues.
Is this common? Anyone else have young adult kids who recently graduated from college who refuse to look for an entry level professional job connected with their college major?
Why should he ever commit himself to the rigors of an actual career where he'd have to push himself to qualify for promotions when he can fool himself like he's doing something "real" as hacker living at home?
Kids don't leave home unless you make it uncomfortable for them - "push them out of the nest". Charge him rent - REAL rent, no one does his chores (laundry, etc.), has to pay his own phone bill and share of any cable costs, pays for own gas, car insurance. No using of family vehicles. No guests over to the house and certainly no women sleeping over!
Keeping him IN the house is doing him a moral and ethical disservice!
I'm 28, male, and I've spent the past 10 years gaining a first class degree, masters and recently a PhD in physics, which is a solid foundation to now go after professional career by any normal standards. I've had to move back to my parents' house until I find employment and I'm desperate to get out of there and be independent again, but the thought of being in a proper 'professional' / career job is not an appealing one at this moment. I don't know if it's just that I'm worn out from years of educational stress, but right now I feel like ****ing around and scraping by for the rest of my life. Working just enough to get by, just enough to get loaded and have fun with my dead-end, drug-addled friends that are still right here in my home town where I left them a decade ago.
I'm in a great position to go and do something 'professional' but I keep questioning what the point is. I mean, I go after a serious job where I'm expected to be highly competent and productive for decades - why?
To earn lots of money - why?
To be able to buy fancy things - why?
To keep or attract a woman that likes fancy things (as most of them do) and get married, gambling everything I'll have ever worked for on her emotional whims not suddenly changing - why?
To have a child or children - why?
To spend an absolute fortune raising them and inviting an enormous and avoidable amount of stress/responsibility/obligation into my life - why?
And I've not been able to get past that last "why". What part of that life is supposed to be appealing? It seems to me that in the past there was far more pressure from 'society' for men to do these things (and many other things). Young adult males are not so easily influenced by societal traditions/taboos these days and many of us can just openly admit (to ourselves as well as others) that that life sounds like a boring, depressing crock of ****.
I've come to realise that there's nothing in life I get more enjoyment out of than getting blasted with my idiot friends and enjoying nature. Not learning or developing skills/my mind, not owning expensive luxuries, not eating delicious foods, not being in a long term relationship, not even sex/intimacy. If I'm 100% honest, what I really like the most in life is red wine, cannabis, acid, ketamine, psilocybin, DMT, good music and being outdoors. People will call that immature and short-sighted, and it is, but it's also as honest as I can be about my desires.
For someone with a PhD in physics you sound like about the dumbest person I've encountered. Too much pot...what a waste. You don't have to DO anything....but if I was your parent I'd be done helping you do NOTHING. When you're on your own paying your bills you can work as hard as your lifestyle requires but as a parent I would not pay for your ennui or anomie or jadedness or angst....whatever they're calling it these days. Try some antidepressants or at least spend some time doing charitable work.
For someone with a PhD in physics you sound like about the dumbest person I've encountered. Too much pot...what a waste. You don't have to DO anything....but if I was your parent I'd be done helping you do NOTHING. When you're on your own paying your bills you can work as hard as your lifestyle requires but as a parent I would not pay for your ennui or anomie or jadedness or angst....whatever they're calling it these days. Try some antidepressants or at least spend some time doing charitable work.
While I don't feel the same way, as a physics grad student who has been spending the last umpteen years dealing with the fallout of losing research funding, I can sort of understand the feeling. It's truly soul crushing to work so hard only to feel like you've lost everything (slight exaggeration...)
While I don't feel the same way, as a physics grad student who has been spending the last umpteen years dealing with the fallout of losing research funding, I can sort of understand the feeling. It's truly soul crushing to work so hard only to feel like you've lost everything (slight exaggeration...)
This is what happens when you don't fully evaluate your future prospects of a CAREER relative to your academic interests and pursuits. I have a masters in experimental psychology. Do you think I can get a job doing THAT? No - but all my research methodology and stats classes gave me a great leg up to do government evaluation work and data analysis in just about ANY field.
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