should an adult tell a 12 yr. old when they've hurt their feelings? (bullying, parents)
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Essentially you are his mother even though that is not the technical biological relationship. He feels safe with you and knows you will always be there for him.
Yes, it's appropriate to tell a 12 year old that his actions hurt you. Perhaps something like, "X, I felt a little sad when you weren't at my party. I missed you." No blaming him or his bio-mother.
If he's that upset and angry over a video game, perhaps it's time to cut back on the games? Just a thought.
Of course you should tell him he hurt your feelings! I tell my 5 and 8 year old when they hurt my feelings. They need to learn at an early age that the world doesn't revolve around them and that their actions affect other people too. I also don't believe in rewarding bad behavior so they would never get something by throwing a tantrum about it.
Thanks.. that's what I was wondering and wasn't sure about. I guess that's the only way he'll learn. I'm not only talking about my birthday situation but in general he's got to learn that his actions affect others.
Last edited by elliedeee; 06-10-2016 at 10:41 AM..
OP: One of the worst letters I ever received was from my dad. I was allowed to go spend the night with a friend, but I was supposed to be home before he went to work the next day. I chose to ignore that because he would be at work, the mom was off at summer school (teaching thing), and my dad was more lenient with punishments. No big deal...I decided to stay, it was worth it.
I thought.
I eventually went home. I went up to my room and there on my desk was a letter from my dad. The letter informed me of just how much I had hurt his feelings by not showing up when I promised that I would.
That letter did more to me than any and all punishments I had ever received, combined. Grounding didn't work on me, yelling didn't work on me, taking things away didn't work on me, lecturing me didn't work on me... all of those things made me rebel.
The letter from my dad telling me how much I hurt his feelings?
It wasn't his birthday. He asked for a gift card from his grandma so he could use it at his mom's because his mom won't buy him one (she didn't say it but I can read between the lines). It WAS his grandma's birthday and he chose to skip her birthday celebration because he didn't get what he wanted.
Grandma isn't playing games. The mother needs to follow through when she says she's going to do something but it seems since she knows grandma will step up when she doesn't she drops the ball.
Yes....
It was my birthday, not his.
Last edited by elliedeee; 06-10-2016 at 11:12 AM..
It wasn't his birthday. He asked for a gift card from his grandma so he could use it at his mom's because his mom won't buy him one (she didn't say it but I can read between the lines). It WAS his grandma's birthday and he chose to skip her birthday celebration because he didn't get what he wanted.
Grandma isn't playing games. The mother needs to follow through when she says she's going to do something but it seems since she knows grandma will step up when she doesn't she drops the ball.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elliedeee
Yes....
It was my birthday, not his.
I agree tell him that he hurt your feelings because you had really wanted him to attend your birthday dinner (together with his aunts/uncles/cousins). IMHO, you should have been telling him all along whenever he hurt your feelings (of course, at an age appropriate level).
BTW, if his mother & her boyfriend can afford cigarettes they should be able to buy their own tickets (which probably are pretty inexpensive) to his school concert. Mom should have also bought the outfit that she promised for the concert. I hope that he thanked you for doing that for him at the last minute.
Can he go spend a week or two at Mom's house? It seems like you get all the work and she gets all the fun.
I agree that the gift belongs to the child and not the house. It almost seems like you're expecting the child to think like an adult?
I have these three special girls in my life. The youngest is a bit of a narcissist. She wants to be first and have the best of everything. Her sister calls her on it, the other girl her age, not so much.
We've had many many talks over the tears about her selfishness and how it hurts people. The last talk we had she said "I know, you remind me of it every time I come." I said "I know and it's sad that you're as old as you are and still don't get it."
Well the switch finally flipped and she put the friend ahead of herself for once. It was a small victory but she really is turning out to be a good kid with a good heart.
Yes you need to show children that their actions have consequences, but it has to be done in a way that they can relate to. They are after all, kids with limited life experience.
Send him home to Mom's for a couple of weeks. He may come back with a different perspective on your relationship.
It worked for my husband anyway. I sent him home to his mother's for a ten day visit and off to a rental property to live for awhile when he was being a rectum and not happy with anything in his life, including me.
He came home a new man with a new appreciation for what he had.
Gifts belong to the child. There is no 'over there". What you buy him belongs to him and he can do what he wants with them. He has every reason to get upset that his *grandmother* is playing games with his mom. So, she sucks. Suck it up and be the bigger person. Buy him what he wants for his birthday
Read the post more carefully it wasn't his birthday.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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Yes, tell him he hurt your feelings. But also be clear about your expectations. If attendance at your birthday party is a big deal, tell him that you look forward to him spending the day with you. Tell him that, while you can understand why he's mad/disappointed, he should talk it over with you rather than withdrawing and avoiding you.
I think he desperately needs consistency and stability in his life. Provide that for him. Set and enforce limits. When he gets mad or questions them, tell him that you feel this is the best for him.
If he disagrees, give him a chance to explain himself, respectfully. Listen to him. Sometimes you might agree with him and if so, change your mind Other times, you'll stand by your original decision. Tell him that you've listened to him and considered his point of view; but you disagree with him and your decision stands.
Then stop playing them with her...she can't play games alone. You *are* participating in them, even by keeping score.
You have to understand how the xbox accounts work. If she gives him a giftcard to use on him mom's xbox account, then the mom can spend it all. Grandma said that grandson had his own xbox account he uses at grandma's house and she was willing to put money in that account for *him* to spend, but not in his mom's account for *her* to spend. So it's not keeping score, see? His mom probably asked him to ask for the gift card.
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