should an adult tell a 12 yr. old when they've hurt their feelings? (chores, playing)
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Maybe I'm confused. If he has his own account, he can sign in at her house under his name. Heck, she could sign into his account under his name.
I'm not even going to pretend that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to x box live. but what I do know is that when he said he'd rather have points, I told him okay and I'll buy it on Amazon and they give you a code that you enter right into your x box... BUT.. he said I should wait until I could get to the store because he wanted the points gift card.. which does the same thing except that it's portable.
That's when I started to think that it was mom who really wanted the card. Otherwise, why wouldn't he just let me put them on his acct like I normally do?
Mom has proven herself to be untrustworthy so I wouldn't put it past her. Maybe they need the points to keep their acct active? I don't know. It was just very suspicious that he suddenly wanted the card instead of the download that I usually get for him.
Mom is very good at manipulating him and he's afraid of her wrath.
I'm not even going to pretend that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to x box live. but what I do know is that when he said he'd rather have points, I told him okay and I'll buy it on Amazon and they give you a code that you enter right into your x box... BUT.. he said I should wait until I could get to the store because he wanted the points gift card.. which does the same thing except that it's portable.
That's when I started to think that it was mom who really wanted the card. Otherwise, why wouldn't he just let me put them on his acct like I normally do?
Mom has proven herself to be untrustworthy so I wouldn't put it past her. Maybe they need the points to keep their acct active? I don't know. It was just very suspicious that he suddenly wanted the card instead of the download that I usually get for him.
Mom is very good at manipulating him and he's afraid of her wrath.
Or they return the card for cash. Or sell it for cash.
We once opened our house to a friend and her son. She finally left her husband after his most recent, at the time, meth binge, and shed sell her food stamps for cash. I'm talking $50 food stamps for $30 cash. I was appalled that she was getting ripped off. It also opened my eyes to how people survive.
or do you just let it go? I'll give you the scenario. I'm actually the grandmother who has raised my grandson since birth. His mother gave him up to us when he was born. He'll be 12 next week.
Yesterday was my milestone birthday and we planned along with our other kids and grandkids to go out to dinner and celebrate but apparently my grandson got mad at me the day before because he was telling me he wanted a gift card for points for his x box and I said no because I wanted to get him something that he could use here.
The x box points would be used at his moms (she's not my daughter)house for the online thing that they all belong to. I was willing to buy him the video game he wanted though even though I know he'd bring it over there.
anyway, he called his mom and her boyfriend and said he was staying over there and they'd drive him to school in the morning and he wouldn't be home to go out to dinner with us. I found out later from my son who has official custody that my grandson was angry at me because I wouldn't add to the x box points. I don't know if I was more hurt or more pissed off at his actions by him not coming. Do I say anything to him or do I just let it go?
A little backstory. There have been so many things that his mom and boyfriend have done. My grandson got shoes for Christmas that they promised to return and buy him new ones... never happened.
He's gotten gift cards for video game stores that he's taken over there and they disappear over there.
She told me she was going to buy him a new outfit for his school concert... instead the morning of the concert she sends over a wrinkled unwashed shirt and pants that I bought for him for his concert last year. It didn't even fit anymore so I had to run out and buy something.
He also got mad at me because I wouldn't buy his mom and her boyfriend tickets to his music concert at school. I knew I'd never see the money again but I didn't tell him that. They did find the money to buy their own tickets though. But mom tells him she doesn't have money so my grandson expects me to support her too. They always have cigarettes though so they're not that poor.
She's totally ignored him for birthdays and some Christmases because she didn't have any gifts for him so I try to make up for that. I'm the one that get's up with him in the morning, washes his clothes, buys him clothes and books that he wants, makes his dinners, and runs out and gets him cold cuts for lunch. I'm just starting to feel really used, unappreciated and I'm honestly starting to resent doing what I've been doing but I wouldn't tell him that.
I'm just wondering about the whole birthday thing. Should I tell him that I felt hurt that he didn't want to celebrate it with us? or just let it go?
Should a child be made aware that adults have feelings?
I would echo what a lot of others have said about it being okay to let children know when they hurt others, because it teaches them empathy.
But more so, well done you for stepping up and raising this young man, and also wanting to do such a good job of it. It is obvious you care deeply for him and it is a difficult situation. He is very lucky to have someone like you in his life.
1. Be proud of yourself you stepped up big..........you are his Mom you raise him..........he needs boundaries and to learn the meaning of respect
2. He needs to learn the meaning of the word gratitude.........there is a lot that he should be and your daughter should be grateful for...........his has a wonderful grandma that stepped up when his Mom turned his back on him
Do you know how grateful many kids would be to have a grandma like that.......I wish I would have had that.
I agree with the I statements...........Grandson I was hurt when you..........
X box points go everywhere. My son signs in on his account when he goes to my brothers house and he can use his points and save his game information. Before he leaves he just logs out.
I know my suspicions were correct about the x box live points that he wanted. It was for mom. I overheard him talking to her last night and I heard him say something like 'you got it activated again?' and then I heard him say 'oh, you're playing under my name'.
I just knew it. He acts so differently when he's doing something that he's not comfortable with so I have no doubt that she talked him into asking for the points for the x box so she could activate her's again. They live on x box over there. My grandson will tell me excitedly how many rifles or mega weapons moms got on her acct. I know she doesn't like playing under his name because my grandson doesn't have as many extras because he doesn't play as much video games here because he's outside playing with his friends.
I also want you to know I feel absolutely ridiculous even talking about the whole x box thing and how many or what mega weapons mom has won or what level she's on but thats their life and his life when he's over there.
But aside from that I really just wanted to post a huge thank you to all of you for talking me through this. Reading everyone's feedback was so helpful because I honestly couldn't see the forest through the trees as the saying goes.
I know one poster mentioned that she was concerned that I might take her post as criticism, and no I didn't. It got me thinking. All of the responses did and they not only helped me get an answer to my original question but they also made me understand more about him.
I do believe that he feels pulled in different directions because I could see he was very uncomfortable asking for those points and I don't think he got upset so much because I refused but that it was his way of coping with his feelings because he knew mom would get angry. I think he also got more upset because I could see through why he was asking for them. He's torn between loyalty to mom and me and because she gets angry and loud he is afraid of upsetting her. He's told me that before many times. Like I said she is very manipulative and plays on his emotions. She constantly tells him "mom has no money' .. Well, mom is perfectly capable of getting a job but she chooses not to, but my grandson doesn't understand that and I don't want to belittle her by saying that to him because I don't want to put him in a position where it feels like a tug of war on his emotions. She belittles me over there enough by referring to me as 'your effin' grandmother'.. and I don't want him to feel torn.
When the timing is right I'm going to have a talk with him about how he tries to avoid problems instead of talking about them. He is a very sensitive kid and feels things very deeply. Like when our dog died, I was so upset and he made me tea and hugged me. He was just as upset but he went out of his way to make me feel better too. He really is a sweet, caring kid. I know he trusts me but mom's trying hard to damage the relationship that I have with him so he doesn't talk to me as freely as he once did and it probably has a lot to do with his age too. He's in those preteen years.
He loves her boyfriend though and he's really the main reason my grandson wants to go over there. They're video game buddies and they stay up all night sometimes playing those games.
For a while I've felt kind of taken for granted by my grandson, but I see now, and I remember from raising my own kids that that's pretty normal when a child feels secure so in a weird way that makes me feel better.
I also see that someone has to step up and create some boundaries. I'm going to have to speak to my son about that and make sure we're both on the same page. I hate to keep harping on my birthday but when that happened.. If he was 'my' kid I would have told him 'tough, you're going'. but he's not so I didn't feel I could say that. It probably didn't help that I didn't stick up for myself then either. I should have put my foot down about that.. not so much for me but because most of the family would be there and he really should have gone.
Since she's come back into his life I wasn't really sure of my position anymore either because of the way he acts sometimes, but I also see now that a lot of it is due to his age, and also what I'm going through with him is probably very similar to what another poster mentioned she goes though when her kids go visit their dad's 'fun' house on the weekends. Here it's not as much fun because he has homework and chores and regular bedtime. There's no set schedule at mom's house. Sometimes they stay up all night and sleep til 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
I feel more confident in my role after reading all your responses and I will continue to give him the stability and guidance that I've been doing all along. You've all made me feel a lot better about the situation though, and I really appreciate you taking the time to help me with this.
If you've read this far, my apologies for writing a novella...
This question is really for anyone but how do I get him to open up to me when he's upset? His mom's got him so afraid to talk to me. Like I said she portrays me as the bad guy and I think he feels like he's betraying her if he talks to me. She constantly tells him not to tell me certain things and sometimes he does but he's actually afraid to tell me and he makes me promise that I won't tell her that he told me. If he even mentions the phrase 'grandma said' she flips out on him and yells at him. There have been times where I've overheard their phone conversations because she's loud and I've heard her ask him if grandma can hear and he'll say yes, and then he takes the phone into another room and shuts the door. I don't want to ask him what was so secretive about their phone conversation, but on the other hand I'd like to know what she's up to. He always seems withdrawn and contemplative when he get's off the phone with her but he won't talk about it.
He used to tell me how he feels but not anymore. She's been pulling the mom card lately and I don't know how to get around that.
I only want what's best for him and I hate to see him upset.
I know this would be a hard talk to have with him without indirectly or directly talking badly about his mother, but if you say negative word one about her, he will automatically feel compelled to defend her, even if he secretly knows you're right. In fact, it might be the best way to drive him to empathize more with her...people are odd; she's his mother - he feels loyal regardless of whether she's earned it. I would sit him down and have a very frank talk - mother criticisms aside - with much of what you've talked about here. Basically, "I love you, I want you to be happy, I know you feel torn between different parts of your family, and I want you to know that I'm not going to try to wring information out of you, but you can come to me anytime with anything, and I will listen and not judge you. That no matter what goes on elsewhere, grandma's home is a safe place where you are welcome, even if we happen to be temporarily angry or awkward with one another." Basically let him know that he can come to you about things without it being the catastrophe his mom is trying to build it up to be. It makes it pretty clear, without saying anything bad about mom outright, that you already know she's up to some nonsense and that there are secrets, but you don't hold that against him. Maybe you don't see a huge change right away, but let that idea percolate, let him see the difference between your approach and the stress he's getting from mom, and draw his own conclusions about good ways to live.
Model the kindness and honesty you want him to show.
It's not fair that she can be manipulative and unreliable and still have his affection, while you have to be the rock, but it's the world you're in.
I think you were absolutely right to tell him how your feelings were hurt, and it sounds like he took it on board, so that's good.
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but what I do know is that when he said he'd rather have points, I told him okay and I'll buy it on Amazon and they give you a code that you enter right into your x box... BUT.. he said I should wait until I could get to the store because he wanted the points gift card.. which does the same thing except that it's portable. 
