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My friends sold their house in Florida that was infested with adult children (plural) and moved to Alaska for a year or two. Solved the kids in the house problem.
The kid (not calling him an adult) is paying $400 a month for room and board. That's a pretty sweet deal. Internet and cable and food is included. Find a safe place anywhere with that good of a deal.
It would have been a pretty sweet deal 20 years ago!
Today its insane.
OP...time for suggestions is past.
Tell him to get it together or get lost.
Cut off his access to anything you can...make it unbearable to live there.
Cut his phone off if its on your plan
Parental lock every channel on the TV
Password lock your internet (or blacklist the MACs for all his devices). Check for open wifi signals from your neighbors and ask them politely to lock them down.
Make your home devoid of any food or beverage he likes...or even tolerates.
Begin fixing foods he doesn't like for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.
Then inform him that if you don't get 200 bucks by the end of the week, and every 2 weeks after that. Inform him that the 200 only covers the room and basic utilities (lights, water, garbage, heating/cooling). If he misses you are filing eviction papers.
If he wants a cellphone tell him to get his own plan.
If he wants internet then make him pay for it.
You are gonna have to make it more desirable to move out than stay there.
Every single time he complains it should be music to your ears. Just casually say that he wouldn't have to put up with that if he got his own place.
I am wondering if you are afraid of him. He is running your home. The thing is, he is beyond redemption regardless of counseling or whatever other good ideas people have. He is destroying your quality of life. You either have him removed from your home or you will endure his obnoxious behavior until something really ugly occurs. Young men like him do not make it in the military. He would be cut loose in a matter of days or a few weeks. He is a member of the "snow flake" generation.
My nephew went through this, to the point the court decided he had to go into a juvenile center when he was 16. When he was 18 & his dad allowed him back home, he continued to act insanely.
Between one of my brother's friends and me helping him he became encouraged to get his driver's license and a job.
Sometimes it takes a caring adult who isn't a parent to encourage them.
Yes it isn't working and when I get into that mode it isn't pretty and will defiantly get ugly! I CAN become a serious hard ass when I get to that level in which he thinks I have "anger managment" issues but alas he has no clue! If he still pushes on the room and board the next step will be to pack up his computer that he built and spends ENORMOUS amount of time on and store it at his Nana's house which he can get when he gets his own place. Its my roof
Quote:
Originally Posted by froglipz
Take him to the Army Recruiters office and drop him off! He will get some real drill Sargent inspiration!
7
The army will not take him without a high school diploma/GED.
Do NOT touch his computer - you said he built it; it's his property. The sheets, blankets, and furniture are not.
Here's what we would do:
1. Have a family discussion. Set parameters for his continued stay in the home but DO LISTEN TO HIM. That's important - you don't want to completely alienate him as that will not be a learning experience. You DO want him to stop abusing you (both of you). Cursing at Mom is just a part of the abuse. His not going to class that you have paid for is abusing you also.
2. The parameters that you want to set should include (but not necessarily the only ones):
Paying rent
Going to class/including driver's training
No freshtalk/backtalk/swearing at his mother
He is responsible for himself - getting to/from places, laundry, etc.
His room, since it is a part of your home, must be maintained in an appropriate state - cannot turn it into a pigsty.
Establish consequences: for accomplishing what he is supposed to and also for NOT holding up his end (remember consequences are not punishment - it is reward and negatives)
3. Once you have come to a meeting of the minds, write it down - create a contract.
4. At all times, respect of each other is paramount. Make it clear that you will show him respect but you demand that he shows it to all other family members.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
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All this negativity could send him over the edge. I think these people love their son, or the father would have never made this thread.
If you think he can handle it, maybe the military is the right answer. I knew a guy in school that was slow. He was 25 when the faculty at our high school suggested he just go ahead and get on with life. Long story short, he ended up in the military.
Who knows? It might be good for him? I cant judge. I still feel if he is halfway reasonable, you should try to reason with him, as I suggested before. He has a job, which is an accomplishment.
He is never not going to be your son, and I know for a fact, if something terrible happened to him, the first words out of your wife's mouth - no matter how frustrating he has become - are going to be, "Oh no! Not my sweet baby!"
I don't personally have any children, but Ive seen enough of life to know that a child never stops being a mother's baby.
It may feel like God have given you too much to handle, but, God doesn't make mistakes. He knows you can handle this. Try not to fail. It wont be easy. Life always find a way not to be easy.
After rereading your post I wonder if your son was ever referred for or evaluated for special education?
He is 20 years old and is still working on getting a HS diploma, does not have a drivers license, and spent $1,000 on some type of cards. That does not sound like someone who is functioning at a normal level.
Is it possible that he has cognitive issues, is seriously depressed or is mentally ill? Probably not, but has he been evaluated by a medical doctor or a psychologist? Just something to consider.
This. A friend has a brother who is exactly like the OP's description at almost 40. He has severe mental illness or a personality disorder, but because his parents were in denial about his issues, he is basically completely nonfunctioning when it comes to society. He is entirely dependent upon his parents, and when they die, he will have no support.
This behavior didn't come out of nowhere. What have you done to get your son evaluated or to learn to cope with consequences?
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