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Ok, one part of me is "tiara! kindred spirit!" and the other part of me if the mother of a young adult son. While I can laugh, I also commiserate the issue. I empathize. I took my son's girlfriend bathing suit shopping recently. Just... don't . Horror and much alcohol still hasn't erased the picture of her wearing size 0, with her tiny little ass and waist. But, he loves her. And she loves him. And while perhaps my son's love is a better person, you gave your son the history to show what good upbringing can result in, and hopefully the reason and insight into the difference between a beautiful face and a beautiful soul. I offer you only the hope that she is more than what she is showing you. And offers him more than what you see. And that he will know the difference.
I REALLY like this reply. You're not telling him what to do or trying to control him. You're being honest and sharing your feelings and you can't really argue with how someone feels.
I disagree. I think it's best to never go down that rabbit hole. They'll either "come to their senses" on their own, or not. Nothing the parent says will change a thing. It may even make the young adult angry.
And, it's possible that the parents are wrong. I say this as a parent of two grown daughters.
I disagree. I think it's best to never go down that rabbit hole. They'll either "come to their senses" on their own, or not. Nothing the parent says will change a thing. It may even make the young adult angry.
And, it's possible that the parents are wrong. I say this as a parent of two grown daughters.
Agreed. Telling anyone you don't like their beloved is a recipe for absolute disaster.
As Kat said, you may be wrong. And even if you aren't, you are insulting their taste and judgment to the ultimate degree. Nobody, but nobody, wants to hear it, and nobody appreciates it.
And to what end? They aren't going to listen to you and may actually stay with the person beyond the relationship's natural use by date just to prove you wrong.
(Substitute The OP for you, obviously I don't mean Kat here.)
I disagree. I think it's best to never go down that rabbit hole. They'll either "come to their senses" on their own, or not. Nothing the parent says will change a thing. It may even make the young adult angry.
And, it's possible that the parents are wrong. I say this as a parent of two grown daughters.
Or it could reinforce nagging doubts your son or daughter is having in their relationship. I was that daughter and 20 years later I can still see my father wringing his hands over a guy I was dating. Years later, I don't recall everything my parents said to me that day, but the visual has remained in my memory. We split up shortly after. And in hindsight I wish I'd done it sooner.
No one is entitled to only hear opinions that agree with them, or otherwise they shouldn't be expressed. Sharing your opinion isn't telling someone what to do. They can choose to listen or discard the opinion, but sometimes things need to be said, IMO.
Or it could reinforce nagging doubts your son or daughter is having in their relationship. I was that daughter and 20 years later I can still see my father wringing his hands over a guy I was dating. Years later, I don't recall everything my parents said to me that day, but the visual has remained in my memory. We split up shortly after. And in hindsight I wish I'd done it sooner.
No one is entitled to only hear opinions that agree with them, or otherwise they shouldn't be expressed. Sharing your opinion isn't telling someone what to do. They can choose to listen or discard the opinion, but sometimes things need to be said, IMO.
Unsolicited advice is never welcome, nor usually followed. I know of far more cases of that than of kids saying "Daddy was right". Unless the parent is sure the person is a criminal, abusive or the like, it's best to stay out. I can still remember my brother's comments about his daughter's BF: "no couch, no TV, no personality". They're going on 16 years of marriage now, and most people in the family like him; my brother has come to accept him. Then there was his son's wife. Some parents don't like anyone their kids get involved with.
My parents didn't like my first husband at first, but my mom said they came to like him more as they got to know him better. I ended up not "liking" him very well either, but not for the same reasons.
She wanted some of his things that she wants to bring to his boot camp graduation, so I invited her over and we sat on the couch and just talked for a few hours. Yes, hours. lol It was actually really good to talk to her alone without my son around. I felt like I got to know her a lot better. Which is some ways was a bit of a relief but in other ways opened up more red flags. Who knows what will happen. We're just doing our best to keep the peace and be supportive in the present moment, with hope for the best for the future.
Well they are not married... yet... so things are OK for now. They are still separated by physical distance.... again, for now... but that will end (I'm thinking...guessing...) soon once he is assigned to a base.
We are doing our best to get to know her, support her, be kind and accepting. It's hard.
She is not a giving person, but I am trying to chalk that up to her being so young. She is fine as long as you don't ask her questions about herself. She's very guarded. As long as you share your own stuff or are giving her something - material things or compliments - she's fine. Also, don't disagree with her if she shares an opinion, then she gets rude or shuts down completely and pouts.
I keep telling myself, "She's young..." It's probably an excuse I'm telling myself, to make myself feel better, but it's what is working for me right now. She takes and takes and expects and expects and argues and argues and is sometimes really rude - but I keep reminding myself "She's young... she'll grow up..." and I just work on letting it go and enjoying the positives. And having hope.
Something which is also helping, which I will share in case it helps other parents going through a similar situation... is that my husband figured out that when he would make a joke about her it lightened the tension or mood, and helped me relax about the whole thing.
I should explain.
So we were outdoors and came upon this sculpture of a boy holding a hoe working in a garden. Our son was currently with his girlfriend, she wanted "alone time" even though our time with him was very limited. We let them have it out of respect for our son and also because we didn't want to upset her, risk her throwing a moody tantrum, and ruining what little free time our son actually had. So anyway, we see this sculpture of the boy and my husband goes, "Oh, another boy with a hoe!" And we both laughed and I felt a whole lot better. Laughter really is the best medicine.
This girl sounds emotionally abusive. I don't know how to approach it with your son so he doesn't go running back to her.
I'm dismayed by the answers here. I have to wonder if the genders were switched - daughter taking controlling, manipulative and abusive guy - if the answers would change.
Well, an update. She convinced him to marry her. She and her family were actually planning the wedding before he even proposed. Before he was even back in the state. He was away with the Navy, got two weeks to come home, fell right into their marriage trap.
And we also found out that the reason it took her one more year to graduate high school (she just graduated this past June, she is 18) was because a different boyfriend had upset her and she tried to kill herself. She also is a "cutter", she has scars all over her legs and thighs from self injury when she's upset. She uses this as a way of controlling those around her.
Yes, I feel that my son is in an emotionally abusive relationship. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Also, he's only been given two weeks liberty, he deploys overseas soon. She has controlled his every move. We've only seen him alone once, and he was in a rush to get back to her parents house because he was afraid she'd get pissed if he stayed out too long. Since that visit, he has not been allowed to visit us without her being there with him. Why? Because I told him that he looked exhausted (because he did), he mentioned this to her, and she got pissed at me for telling him that he looked exhausted. ??
Also, when we received the invitations to the wedding (which looked like a third grader made them, and which we received while our son was still away with the Navy and had not even proposed yet...) I did what I thought was the appropriate thing and waited a few days and then called the mother of the bride. I thought that was that the mother of the groom was supposed to do. ?? Congratulate her? Offer assistance if necessary? Discuss wedding attire? I thought that was normal and even customary?
Well, the bride accused me of "creeping" her mother... which I think is millennial lingo for stalking? She was reallypissed that I tried to call her mother to discuss the wedding. ?? She also then freaked her mother out, and the mother never returned my call. And just for the record - I had met the mother and father in person at their home on a prior occasion. ??
It's a huge big mess. And there's nothing we can do. I'm just glad that he is deploying overseas and she won't be able to join him for a little while. It will at least give him a small break from her. At least physically, anyway.
So I'm just sharing this, in case there are other parents out there going through this with their adult children. You are not alone. This really sucks. And listen to your gut feelings and instinct.
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Funny. 
They are still separated by physical distance.... again, for now... but that will end (I'm thinking...guessing...) soon once he is assigned to a base.
