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Old 07-04-2016, 12:41 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,416 posts, read 2,015,683 times
Reputation: 3999

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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Tell her she can change it when she turns 18 and in the meantime you can call her whatever name she chooses. Honestly, Ellie isn't that beautifull.
In bold - I think unhelpful.
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Old 07-04-2016, 04:12 AM
 
1,646 posts, read 2,772,652 times
Reputation: 2852
Just get her name changed, what's the big deal. Obviouslt she wants it changed. If you dont do it now, she will do it when she can on her own. Stop holding on to symbolism of Eleanor
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Old 07-04-2016, 09:46 AM
 
2,684 posts, read 2,385,082 times
Reputation: 6284
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoodSchoolols View Post
Just get her name changed, what's the big deal. Obviouslt she wants it changed. If you dont do it now, she will do it when she can on her own. Stop holding on to symbolism of Eleanor
Changing her name won't do anything to fix this. This kid wants a new life and she thinks she'll get it by changing her name, but she won't.

This is a child of divorce who recently exeperienced a death in the family, she has a lot of issues to work through and needs professional help.
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Old 07-04-2016, 10:11 AM
 
52 posts, read 44,015 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylineofhope View Post
Hello All:

So my daughter (she's 15 right now) has been hounding me for around 3 years now regarding a name change. Her name is Ellie, and I have no idea why she hates it so much, it's a beautiful name! I don't know whether it has anything to do with her grandmother dying, since they shared a name, but she won't tell me when I ask, she just gets angry. The other day we were having an argument about it yet again, and then suddenly she ran to the kitchen, grabbed one of those sharp knives and told me that if I don't allow her to change her name she's going to slit her wrists with that knife. It was alarming, obviously, so now I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick, if I'm going to be honest. I keep on trying to get in touch with my ex-husband but he always somehow dodges my calls. He hasn't really kept in touch since we divorced so he won't be much help either.
I recommended taking her to a therapist so she can discuss her issues openly and freely but as soon as I suggested it she got unbelievably angry at me and started calling me every name in the book.
Ultimately I'm not sure whether I should just let her change the damn name so she can stop with this, or if I should be firm and put my foot down and simply not allow that kind of bratty behavior.

Thanks in advance for any advice
-Adrianna
Absolutely, definitely let her change her name. In a lot of countries girls can get married at her age, a lot of girls are getting pregnant at her age, so changing her name is really NBD at all. She doesn't like Ellie and it's her life.

The suicide threat is not too uncommon for a teenage girl who doesn't get her way, however you may wish to discuss it in depth with her to figure out if she's actually suicidal, or if she was just being dramatic. I would guess it is the latter.

Also you should make it very clear that the only reason you are giving in is because you realized it is no big deal to change her name. However, you should also make it clear that the suicide threat is unacceptable and has nothing to do with why you gave in, and that if she *ever* tries to use suicide to get her own way again, then whatever it is she wants will be rejected, completely and permanently without any future debate, based on the fact that she tried to use suicide threats to get her way.

So the answer is, in my opinion

(a) def let her change her name
(b) def put your foot down so that faux-suicidal behaviour never happens again, and if she doesn't go for it, then stand by your threat of permanently declining whatever it is she is trying to get by way of her next pretend suicide, but
(c) also talk to her gently and lovingly to make sure she isn't actually suicidal
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Old 07-04-2016, 10:40 AM
 
4,901 posts, read 8,722,742 times
Reputation: 7117
Quote:
Originally Posted by foxelipsus View Post
if she *ever* tries to use suicide to get her own way again, then whatever it is she wants will be rejected, completely and permanently without any future debate, based on the fact that she tried to use suicide threats to get her way.
Good idea. Also tell her you will have to call the cops to come cart her away to be evaluated.
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Old 07-04-2016, 10:54 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,070,811 times
Reputation: 16702
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylineofhope View Post
Those names have no personal meaning to me, they're completely random.
Problem here is that you've chosen to make a battleground out of HER name. While you have temporarily won this battle, you are losing the war.

Yes, raising children is a war, so choose your battles wisely. Winning the war requires planning and strategy. How to get them to adulthood as capable, competent individuals - able to care for themselves, independent of thought, happy and well-adjusted.

You must have done something right with the first daughter, what are you doing differently with daughter #2?

Who did you compare daughter #1 to? just as a for instance of the differences?


Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
When my son changed his name when he was 5 years old, want to know how much I fought him on it? Not at all. He asked that I call him something else, he was adamant I do (and everyone else too) and we did it. He happily goes by it now. You should have started calling her Spenser when she first asked you to. The legal name change doesn't have to come right away. But now it is a huge war with you. A total mistake on your part to let it get to this.

Get yourself into a therapist. Dragging her in right now is a mistake. BTDT. It creates a war of its own and she will be mum and defiant in therapy forever to prove to you she doesn't want to go. But a good therapist can coach you on parenting her, even potentially ideas for getting her to be receptive to coming in. A therapist can also help you identify where you need to change and be flexible.
YES YES and YES! (I'm unable to rep you yet again)



Quote:
Originally Posted by skylineofhope View Post
Well yes but nobody there calls her Eleanore everyone calls her Ellie. That was the whole point of giving her the nickname. I called her that because of her grandmother. That name holds sentimental value.
To YOU. It seems to be all about you with this daughter. What about her? It's a name!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoodSchoolols View Post
Just get her name changed, what's the big deal. Obviouslt she wants it changed. If you dont do it now, she will do it when she can on her own. Stop holding on to symbolism of Eleanor
Exactly.


I remember very clearly hearing my mother telling her sisters that she (my mother) had one smart daughter and one pretty daughter. I knew the smart one was me and I knew that meant that I was not pretty. To add to that, my mother complained about my hair constantly (it was straight and did not hold a curl) while my sister's hair was so easy and she looked so cute with her Shirley Temple curls. I was forced to get a permanent and have short hair (right up into junior high).

When I told my mother how hurtful all that was, she told me I was making a huge deal out of it all. But a 4 yr old who was smart (smart enough to be reading) remembered all those years. I'm 67 and I still remember - although it doesn't hurt any longer, it still made an impression on me.

The point is, you are bringing up your older daughter to your younger daughter. I bet if you bring up one thing about your younger daughter that is special to you (try to remember), that your older daughter, even now, would feel insulted.

Also, I changed my name as an adult. I was named after my mother who was named after HER mother. I changed my name to my paternal grandmother's name after she passed - for a variety of reasons not the least was I no longer wanted my mother's name.

If you really want the symbolism of your mother's name, change YOUR name to Eleanor. But your mother didn't name YOU, Eleanor, so it must not have meant that much to her.

At this stage of my life, I don't care if you call me Granny, GG, Mom, Mama, Honey or HeyYou. Just call me and give me a hug.

It's your daughter and I know you love her. You and she need some professional help. Since she will (you think) refuse, then you need to go - for HER. For her life. For your relationship with her.

In the meantime, pick your battles. I think the battle of her life is worth fighting for. The battle over what she is called is not. The war can be lost or won over 1 battle.
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Old 07-04-2016, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,298 posts, read 84,311,090 times
Reputation: 114648
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Problem here is that you've chosen to make a battleground out of HER name. While you have temporarily won this battle, you are losing the war.

Yes, raising children is a war, so choose your battles wisely. Winning the war requires planning and strategy. How to get them to adulthood as capable, competent individuals - able to care for themselves, independent of thought, happy and well-adjusted.

You must have done something right with the first daughter, what are you doing differently with daughter #2?

Who did you compare daughter #1 to? just as a for instance of the differences?




YES YES and YES! (I'm unable to rep you yet again)





To YOU. It seems to be all about you with this daughter. What about her? It's a name!



Exactly.


I remember very clearly hearing my mother telling her sisters that she (my mother) had one smart daughter and one pretty daughter. I knew the smart one was me and I knew that meant that I was not pretty. To add to that, my mother complained about my hair constantly (it was straight and did not hold a curl) while my sister's hair was so easy and she looked so cute with her Shirley Temple curls. I was forced to get a permanent and have short hair (right up into junior high).

When I told my mother how hurtful all that was, she told me I was making a huge deal out of it all. But a 4 yr old who was smart (smart enough to be reading) remembered all those years. I'm 67 and I still remember - although it doesn't hurt any longer, it still made an impression on me.

The point is, you are bringing up your older daughter to your younger daughter. I bet if you bring up one thing about your younger daughter that is special to you (try to remember), that your older daughter, even now, would feel insulted.

Also, I changed my name as an adult. I was named after my mother who was named after HER mother. I changed my name to my paternal grandmother's name after she passed - for a variety of reasons not the least was I no longer wanted my mother's name.

If you really want the symbolism of your mother's name, change YOUR name to Eleanor. But your mother didn't name YOU, Eleanor, so it must not have meant that much to her.

At this stage of my life, I don't care if you call me Granny, GG, Mom, Mama, Honey or HeyYou. Just call me and give me a hug.

It's your daughter and I know you love her. You and she need some professional help. Since she will (you think) refuse, then you need to go - for HER. For her life. For your relationship with her.

In the meantime, pick your battles. I think the battle of her life is worth fighting for. The battle over what she is called is not. The war can be lost or won over 1 battle.
I read about a smart sister/pretty sister situation in the book How to Manage Your Mother. The pretty sister always felt she must be stupid, so she studied harder and ended up very well educated and went far in her field. The smart sister lived a good enough life but did nothing really of note as far as achievement.
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Old 07-04-2016, 11:54 AM
 
52 posts, read 44,015 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luvvarkansas View Post
Good idea. Also tell her you will have to call the cops to come cart her away to be evaluated.
Excellent suggestion, although this one I think would be a bluff for me personally because I would not trust the cops as far as I could throw the cops with any child of mine!
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Old 07-04-2016, 12:02 PM
 
3,925 posts, read 4,112,547 times
Reputation: 4999
If you keep doing what you are doing now, then you cannot expect what is not working now, to suddenly work in the future. It won't.
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Old 07-04-2016, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Philly, PA
24 posts, read 32,897 times
Reputation: 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post

You must have done something right with the first daughter, what are you doing differently with daughter #2?

Their personalities are extremely different. My eldest daughter was always so quiet, respectful and studious in general. She went amazing at school and got into really prestigious colleges on full scholarships, and holistically we just had a really peaceful, balanced relationship, I honestly never experienced any issues with her, which is actually quite ironic because she's the child I had at 17 who's father dumped me as soon as he found out he'd gotten be pregnant. Before I met Ellie's father I raised her entirely by myself. Yet, I feel like I've raised her so much better than I have Ellie. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the difference in their personalities.
Ellie is just so different, she's doing below average at school and to be frank, to me it seems like she doesn't really care about getting into good colleges, I hardly ever see her doing any schoolwork, and she ditches a lot too. I never experienced these issues with my eldest daughter. Ellie's also extremely defiant and rude towards me most of the time, and even when I try to be strict, it doesn't change. It's actually very unnerving. I've wondered more than once what I've done wrong with her but honestly, maybe it's just the difference in their personalities. I don't know. I really don't think my parenting style has changed...
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