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You're right. What do I say to my sister? For some reason I feel like my niece maybe didnt realize what she was doing - she is still a child and maybe my sister will see it that way too and think Im crazy for accusing her of being too sexual, etc. I dont have a large family and dont want to ruin the relationship..
Unless she has some special needs you have not mentioned, I would be willing to bet that at 15 she knew exactly what she was doing/saying w/her sexual comments and splashing the guy's crotch. When my daughter was 13 yo, she had a 13 yo friend that was extremely "advanced" in her sexual texting conversation. She never said it around adults, but my daughter showed me her texts about what she wanted certain boys to do to her. They were porn level quality texts, and I was shocked! Used it as a teachable moment for my own daughter.
Teens are hard, and getting them to talk to you is even harder, but letting stuff like this go will only make it worse in the future.
I could see how confrontation avoidant, non-assertive guys would have trouble with this and would prefer to sweep it under the rug.
I think a lot of men would be so taken aback they wouldn't know how to react. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't be sure i would know what to do
Having done kinship foster of a female teen family member...I feel your pain. In this case, I would hold my breath for 2 weeks until she leaves. She is a guest, not family. If boundaries and expectations were going to come into play, it wouldn't be the last 2 weeks. I would tell your sister how it went, but maybe not a full vent about it.
A lot of people are coming down hard on you. She is 15, not 5 so parenting is very different. And she is a guest, not a child in the house. Dealing with teen girls is tough! Dealing with someone else's teen girl with boundary and entitlement issues is mega tough.
Just get through the 2 weeks best you can and file it as a lesson learned. Taking in someone else's teen kid is a bit like hell on earth.
It's never too late to set boundaries and not let people continue to walk all over you.
My 15-year old niece is staying with us for a month and a half. She lives far away so we dont normally get to see her and were very excited to have her. But after 4 weeks of her being here, things havent been that great and both my husband and I are somewhat looking forward to her leaving.
First of all, my mom (her grandma) paid for her trip ($1200 plane ticket) and gave her spending money. She spent all the money in the first 2 weeks on clothes for herself and her friends back home. Meanwhile, she has not wanted to go visit her grandma at all while here - we had to force her and she had attitude the entire time we were there (1 day!). My mom works very hard and makes little money so this was alot for her to spend on her granddaughter and she didnt seem appreciative at all.
At home, she just sits on her phone for hours. My husband got fed up with her not cleaning up after herself and made our 5 year old son ask her to clean up after herself (we didnt wnat to say it form us because we didnt wnat to make her feel uncomfortable). Since then she has been cleaning up a little more.
We took her sightseeing and to waterparks, etc but she doesnt seem appreciative of anythign even though it costs us alot of money to go on these trips the entire time shes here. All she wnats to do is to take her shopping and buy her things. We cant afford that and I am actually shocked that she is not embarrassed to ask for things out right like that. Shes treating us like we're santa claus and its christmas every day shes here..
She also expects my husband to drop her off and drive her around wherever and my husband is tired of it. Lastly, she is 15 and a pretty girl and certain things she does and she says to my husband and to our friends' husbands (when visiting them) have been a bit over the line in my opinion. One example is we are driving in the car and she says "my thighs are so smooth.. oh my god uncle feel my thighs they are so smooth like a baby's bottom .. this feels so good to touch". It seems innocent but at the same time my husband felt awkward and so did I. Or another time she says "I am so hot.. haha get it uncle I am so hot, i need someone to cool me down". At our friends, she got in a kiddie pool in her dress and sat down and got entirely wet top to bottom and then poceeded to wet my friend' husband's crotch.. She was very loud there and by the end of the night she was rolling around on their fornt lawn with her dress up and underwear showing. Again, I didnt wnat to say anythgin to her because I dont want to make her feel uncomfortable and dont know if shes aware that what shes doing is not appropriate but I was very embarrassed in front of my friends.
Also, she has been very rude and mean to my mom's husband (not her real granddad). I didnt know this but he confided in me.
I didnt say anythgin to my sister as we are not that close and I really just wnat my niece to have a good time here. But when my niece talked to my sister after she started crying saying she is lookign forward to going home, etc. I dont get it.
She still has 2 weeks at our place and I am thinking of maybe having a chat with her? Or maybe not? Just suffer through it and not cause issues between my sister and I.
I would have sent her back to her mom sooner, I would have cut that stay short after the third week. And I would have told her mom why regardless of us not being all that close. By you keeping her out of control child is not going to make your relationship with her mom any closer. You just don't reward bad behavior or not correct them.
Yes, I agree that we should have had some ground rules or at least addressed things when we first noticed it. This was my first time hosting any child/teen and I didn't know what to do - I foolishly thought it would all be just fun and a good time. I am very afraid of hurting her feelings and also talking badly about me to my sister. My sister has hosted us and was very hospitable.. granted only for a week and we paid for everything.
We do set boundaries with our 'almost' 5 year old and he is well behaved. But I admit I did not know how to handle having a child thats not mine - if I am in a place to discipline or not since Im not her parent, especially considering her age (not a little kid anymore - should know better..).
I'm going to address the bolded - you are in loco parentis. You have "custody" (for lack of a better term) of your niece for six weeks. so heck yea, you discipline her. I don't care if she is five, fifteen, or fifty - you use age-appropriate language but you talk to her.
As you will learn when you're almost five year old becomes a teen, you pick your battles. I wuoldn't bat an eye at a teen who is on the phone all day. that's what they do. but I would tell her, firmly, "in this house we pick up after ourselves. That means your floor should be clear, towels hung up, and dishes in the sink" or whatever the rules are. If she wants to keep her clothing crumpled up in a ball, that's her problem. but the floor should be clear.
She doesn't thank you for taking her to water parks? she doesn't go to any more water parks. she wats you to take her shopping? just say no. tell her your limits "honey, we can take you to the mall if you want, but you used up your spending money already. we can window shop and get some take out but that's it".
As for the inappropriate behavior arond your husband and other men? just stop it, right then. pull her aside and tell her that she needs to stop. Tell your sister NOW. you do not want your niece going home and making up nasty stories. if you are on your way to friends' house and she makes nasty remarks (I'm so hot...) you stop the car, and tell her very firmly that she needs to stop that right now or we are going home. and follow through.
worst case scenario - she doesn't want to come back next year
I'm going to address the bolded - you are in loco parentis. You have "custody" (for lack of a better term) of your niece for six weeks. so heck yea, you discipline her. I don't care if she is five, fifteen, or fifty - you use age-appropriate language but you talk to her.
As you will learn when you're almost five year old becomes a teen, you pick your battles. I wuoldn't bat an eye at a teen who is on the phone all day. that's what they do. but I would tell her, firmly, "in this house we pick up after ourselves. That means your floor should be clear, towels hung up, and dishes in the sink" or whatever the rules are. If she wants to keep her clothing crumpled up in a ball, that's her problem. but the floor should be clear.
She doesn't thank you for taking her to water parks? she doesn't go to any more water parks. she wats you to take her shopping? just say no. tell her your limits "honey, we can take you to the mall if you want, but you used up your spending money already. we can window shop and get some take out but that's it".
As for the inappropriate behavior arond your husband and other men? just stop it, right then. pull her aside and tell her that she needs to stop. Tell your sister NOW. you do not want your niece going home and making up nasty stories. if you are on your way to friends' house and she makes nasty remarks (I'm so hot...) you stop the car, and tell her very firmly that she needs to stop that right now or we are going home. and follow through.
worst case scenario - she doesn't want to come back next year
It's never too late to set boundaries and not let people continue to walk all over you.
It is too late. This is a very self absorbed teenage girl. It would take a lot of work and head butting and coming to blows to get the boundaries set. The amount of testing would be intolerable. It is too late, unless the OP would like to make the next 2 weeks of her life a full blown living hell without any actual benefit.
worst case scenario - she doesn't want to come back next year
The pessimist in me would say that is also the best case scenario.
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) you stop the car, and tell her very firmly that she needs to stop that right now or we are going home. and follow through.
