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I do think that we are creating alarmism where it is unwarranted. If a child is unsure and reports an off the cuff comment, then a simple, "thanks for letting me know," is an appropriate response. Making a big to-do out of something so simple is just making the child feel paranoid. Remember that the goal here is to raise kids into sensible adults, not to create fear over every interaction.
Which is not to say that the OP did anything other than that when her daughter spoke up. I've definitely seen lots of hand-wringing and pearl-clutching in real life over adults speaking to children who are not theirs. The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker is a good one to read.
Don't know about the book (haven't read) but I agree with all the rest. I still maintain the guy expressed an opinion he then wished he'd kept to himself, and made a foolish remark about it.
The funny (both laughable and ironic) thing about this is that several people have said it's OK to not tell a parent about a birthday surprise. So already there's an admission that this policy has an exception or two. "The wisdom to know the difference".
The funny (both laughable and ironic) thing about this is that several people have said it's OK to not tell a parent about a birthday surprise. So already there's an admission that this policy has an exception or two. "The wisdom to know the difference".
Well, I've never really been big on this idea, either. Many little kids just CAN'T keep a secret. They're bound to blurt it out, then they feel they've ruined the surprise and it's all their fault. I always found it easier just not to mention it to the kid. Then on the day-of, I'd clean them up, tell them we were getting ready to go out and so on, or if we weren't actually going anywhere and the surprise was, say, a gift for Daddy, I just didn't tell them what I got Daddy, LOL.
Just...kids and secrets...I'm not seeing where it ever really works out. LOL.
But in this case I think it was more the idea of secrets than what was actually being asked to be kept secret (which wasn't really all that bad)...I think that should probably be pretty clear by now. I mean if my father-in-law hit his hand on something and swore and said "Don't tell your mom I said that," I wouldn't go charging over to his house to scream about how he is grooming my child to eventually be sexually molested or anything ridiculous like that, but I WOULD tell my child he can tell me ANYTHING and if FIL repeated this "don't tell Mom" thing I'd bring it up in the context of: we're trying to teach the kids they can tell us anything, and anyway, you (FIL) are a good person, these little foibles aren't anything to hide from us.
Have none of you who are so irate about this never been in a conversation with someone where, upon conclusion either you or the other person says "Please don't tell (your husband, your boss, anyone) about this conversation"? I really think that's what happened in the case of this man.
Yes, most moms and maybe more than a few dads know that it's a bad idea to say that to a kid, but perhaps he was just ignorant and didn't want to stir anything up with the OP, who seems quite stirred up, to say the least.
Teaching a kid to keep a birthday surprise is part of teaching kids to
a) use reasoning
b) keep their word
c) delay gratification
d) honor and think of others
It is a slow process done with a lot of levity and joy. How we managed it was a trick my kids like to use called "erase your brain", kind of like a do-over if they spill the beans.
Thinking we shouldn't teach kids this reminds me of people thinking its wrong for other's to open gifts in front of other kids at their birthday.
Honestly, I don't care what he thinks of my pets. I am a responsible pet owner, very responsible actually. But (especially) another parent telling a kid something and then saying "don't tell your parents" seems so wrong to me. I cant imagine ever saying that to a child.
Yes its like something wrong is being done and they dont want anyone knowing! (Not OK)
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