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I took my 2 children and 19 yr old step son on vacation to Florida. Two days before we were suppose to leave, he tells me that his mom called and demanded he return home the next day. The reason was to meet an admissions counceler at college for some enrollment issue; and this was the only day to get an appointment. I had to eat the $200 nonrefundable return ticket I got for him and pay $400 one way airfare home the next day. To make a long story short it was all a lie. He wanted to return home to hang out with some girl he likes who wanted to see him that particular day and they went out on a date. So Im out $600 airfare, a day of my vacation traveling to the airport, and I was lied to; all so this kid could hang out with a girl he has a crush on.
Im furious. To me this was an act of complete selfishness on the part of my step son and I feel totally duped. While the financial loss ticks me off, what really has my blood boiling is thet this kid basically conned me. I cannot even imagine at that age doing something like this to my family. Putting it frankly, I think the kid is just taking advantage of my kindness and using me for money.
Looking to see how other parents would feel and what punishment should be.
Last edited by johntaylorny; 08-14-2016 at 08:49 AM..
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,937,291 times
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Why are you paying for a 19 year old's vacation? Why isn't the dad involved in this? Quite frankly, I would have checked out his story before handing over hundreds of dollars. I would not have paid for the ticket home.
I have a 19 year old. I don't punish him. At that age, the parent plays more the role of advisor instead of disciplinarian. My 19 year old doesn't ask me for money, period. He handles his own expenses. This would not be an issue. Vacation? He contributes to vacations.
Anyway, this would be extremely simple for me: he pays back the money to start. Then his parents need to have a long discussion with him about expectations/trust
I mostly agree with bande, but I wouldn't even fight to get the money back. You shoudn't have to work at anything in the wake of this. The work is for him...if he wants to get back in your graces. Put the ball in his court. If he doesn't care about making things right, well then it's time to have a different kind of relationship...one where you don't put yourself out for him...one where he can take care of himself, to include paying his own way if he wants to participate. This doesn't have to even have a negative tinge. I mean, he's old enough for this transition anyway.
I would take the high ground and look at this basically as a positive (after I calmed down, don't blame you).
It's like "ok, you did me wrong and you know you did. I'm gonna look at you differently now. When it comes to you and me, I'm going to start treating you like someone who can take care of themselves."
To be honest, this might be what he's trying to get out of you with this somewhat passive aggressive move on the trip.
He's 19, what kind of punishment can you dish out? He's an adult. If you don't want him in your home, so be it, but that's about the only punishment that can be had for someone of legal age.
It was ****ty of him. Teenagers are frequently ****ty, mostly they grow out of it.
I have a couple of questions that weren't clear from your post. Are you his stepmother? You mention his mother called him so I am assuming you were on vacation with his father, yes?
What you do will depend on what sort of relationship you have with him and what sort you would like to have with him. How long have you been his stepparent? How old are your children? Are they his half siblings?
As for the notion that you shouldn't pay towards a 19 yos vacation with the family, I think that varies from family to family. There is nothing inherently wrong with paying for a family member to vacation with you, especially one that is still a full time student but I would tell my stepson that he has lost that privilege for the foreseeable future.
You can't punish a 19 year old. What does his dad say? If you are providing financial assistance to him while he's in school, I'd subtract $400 from that, and never pay his way on vacation again.
I know I cannot punish him per se as he is an adult.
Would anyone else here feel used/conned/swindled or would you just chaulk it up to teenage behavior?
I would try to get to pay me back. That was a deliberate act of deception that cost you money. He knew that it would but he only cared about what he wanted. He could have said from the beginning that he didn't want to go on the trip.
I would put him on a payment schedule. At least I would try. Being a step-parent is different from being a parent and you don't have the leverage when it comes to 'discipline'. I realize that a 19 year old is technically an adult but if they are financially dependent then there are strings attached.
If it were me I would cut the strings and drop the problem into the laps of the parents. I wouldn't treat him like my own child anymore. I would treat him like an adult and not go out of my way to do anything for him. You fulfilled your obligation.
I am intolerant of stuff like that and I wouldn't put up with it. My own kids would know that but you can't expect the same kind of respect from a step-child because they are raised differently. He displayed a complete lack of respect so the ball is in his court to make it right. I would ask him how or if he intends to make it right and that is your answer.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,640 posts, read 11,937,291 times
Reputation: 9885
Quote:
Originally Posted by johntaylorny
I know I cannot punish him per se as he is an adult.
Would anyone else here feel used/conned/swindled or would you just chaulk it up to teenage behavior?
I would not take it personally. I know it's hard, but if he's generally a good kid, I would just assume his hormones (this was all b/c of a girl, right?) got the better of him. Not making excuses, but there's a good chance he didn't consider the all of the consequences. He wanted to meet girl, thought of a way to do it, and went.
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