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I am not really interested in being a "mom" to her, I never wanted kids but figured since she was older it would be more bearable.
What an absolutely selfish position to put your husband and his daughter in! Honestly, this is so self-centered, it's difficult to imagine that you are serious and not simply trolling. What do you expect from your husband? -- Is he supposed to abandon his only daughter or act like she is a monster or doesn't exist.
You have ZERO right to punish her. She is NOT your daughter. You don't even want her to be your daughter.
Respect is a two way street. To earn it, you have to give it. Clearly, you have zero respect for this child. If you speak of her like this on here, I can only imagine the trash that comes out of your mouth at her.
You should have thought about life with another woman's daughter before you got married. Seems like you didn't think about much except for yourself. You're not the #1 girl in your husband's life. You never will be. His daughter will ALWAYS be #1. They went through a traumatic experience together. You will ALWAYS be second fiddle. Just do them a favor and move out. Get a divorce. She will ALWAYS be daddy's little girl no matter what. You will ALWAYS be the wicked stepmother/stepmonster.
I disagree with much of what is said here. Personally I would never marry someone with kids if I were not permitted to assume the role of a parent and that includes the right to punish. Children must obey step parents or you will have a household of chaos. Also I do believe that a wife should be number one, as marriage is a lifetime commitment. Yes parents should love and care for their children, but the number one duty you have is to your spouse. (second to God of course) The single father should have made sure his daughter and future step mother could deal with each other BEFORE there was a marriage. He should have made sure his future wife would embrace the role of parent FIRST. Regardless however marriage is number one, and step children should obey their parents as the 5th commandment says. (respecting her father means obeying his wife) The roles and expectations in this family should have been laid out before the marriage. Let me make this clear however, the step mother should WANT to be a loving parental figure to this girl if she loves her father. She is wrong for not wanting to, and the child senses her indifference and hence has rebelled. The OP has brought that on herself. The father brought all of it on by not laying the ground rules first. The situation this family is in will lead to constant fighting and misery. At the point they are at they need to seek counseling. Waiting 5 years for a 13 year old to grow up is a bad plan. She will always be there, she will get married, bring grandkids around, borrow money from dad, need college paid for, well you get the point. When she is 40 she may still be a thorn in the side of the step mother if the step mother has made her a permanent enemy. She will not just go away when she turns 18.
I disagree with much of what is said here. Personally I would never marry someone with kids if I were not permitted to assume the role of a parent and that includes the right to punish. Children must obey step parents or you will have a household of chaos. Also I do believe that a wife should be number one, as marriage is a lifetime commitment. Yes parents should love and care for their children, but the number one duty you have is to your spouse. (second to God of course) The single father should have made sure his daughter and future step mother could deal with each other BEFORE there was a marriage. He should have made sure his future wife would embrace the role of parent FIRST. Regardless however marriage is number one, and step children should obey their parents as the 5th commandment says. (respecting her father means obeying his wife) The roles and expectations in this family should have been laid out before the marriage. Let me make this clear however, the step mother should WANT to be a loving parental figure to this girl if she loves her father. She is wrong for not wanting to, and the child senses her indifference and hence has rebelled. The OP has brought that on herself. The father brought all of it on by not laying the ground rules first. The situation this family is in will lead to constant fighting and misery. At the point they are at they need to seek counseling. Waiting 5 years for a 13 year old to grow up is a bad plan. She will always be there, she will get married, bring grandkids around, borrow money from dad, need college paid for, well you get the point. When she is 40 she may still be a thorn in the side of the step mother if the step mother has made her a permanent enemy. She will not just go away when she turns 18.
Your remarks make too much sense to be accepted by many of the previous posters (step-mother bashers) here. The father in this discussion has the most fault by not carrying-out his duties as you describe them, at the beginning of this marriage.
I have a feeling that the OP hid that fact from the father until she married him - because it was her plan to get rid of that "little problem" after the marriage took place.
This is how it worked in two of my father's marriages. Neither made it known that having me would be a problem until after the fact. They were actually really nice to me until they signed the paperwork and it was like flipping a switch.
This situation (even if it isn't real, others are) is volatile. It can hurt the father and the child and even the stepmother. Without an attitude adjustment by the parents who should be responsible it will never get any better.
I truly believe this is a troll post, but regardless maybe this will help open the eyes of someone else. Step parenting isn't meant to be easy. It's exactly the opposite. But if the time and effort is put in, the child will begin to respect you. It may not seem like it at first, but as is my case I cannot help but respect someone who gave so selflessly to me. She earned my trust in a time where I trusted no one.
The girl is acting out. Unless you've ever walked in those shoes you cannot begin to understand how difficult a position she is in. Discipline comes with trust. Once the girl knows that you have her best interest in mind and you provide her with a safe and loving environment you can discipline her. But you do not get to provide discipline without love. There MUST be a balance, otherwise you just create an even worse situation for her.
And no.... a step parent should NEVER attempt to replace a parent. BUT..... they can become an additional parent who can provide just as big an impact as an actual parent and be just as important a role model as the parents if they do things correctly.
I disagree with much of what is said here. Personally I would never marry someone with kids if I were not permitted to assume the role of a parent and that includes the right to punish. Children must obey step parents or you will have a household of chaos
I think step parents should have that right to punish only after it is earned. If the step parent assumes the full role of a parent to include the positive support the child needs, then they have earned that right. You can't choose which piece of the parenting you want to fulfill. It's all or nothing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by danielj72
. Also I do believe that a wife should be number one, as marriage is a lifetime commitment. Yes parents should love and care for their children, but the number one duty you have is to your spouse.
In a relationship where there are no kids, then yes the spouse comes first. But when you already have children the spouses needs do not outweigh the children's needs. The kids come first. That is a parent's ultimate responsibility above and beyond a marriage. My wife and I have been happily married for 13 years and although we had our kids together, their needs still come before ours. That is an agreement that we made since we are their caretakers. Her needs come second to our kids, and my needs come second to our kids. They are our priority.
Quote:
Originally Posted by danielj72
The single father should have made sure his daughter and future step mother could deal with each other BEFORE there was a marriage. He should have made sure his future wife would embrace the role of parent FIRST.
I agree with this 100%.
Quote:
Originally Posted by danielj72
Regardless however marriage is number one, and step children should obey their parents as the 5th commandment says. (respecting her father means obeying his wife) The roles and expectations in this family should have been laid out before the marriage.
Religion aside, step children should obey their parents and step parents. BUT...... to obey a stranger that is not your parent requires trust and respect. That is something an outsider must earn. They do not get to walk in and pick and choose how they want to enforce the rules of the household. As in the case of the OP, their only desire is to punish the child with no efforts to become an actual parent. In those instances, they have not earned the right to require the child to obey them if it harms the child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by danielj72
Let me make this clear however, the step mother should WANT to be a loving parental figure to this girl if she loves her father. She is wrong for not wanting to, and the child senses her indifference and hence has rebelled. The OP has brought that on herself. The father brought all of it on by not laying the ground rules first. The situation this family is in will lead to constant fighting and misery. At the point they are at they need to seek counseling. Waiting 5 years for a 13 year old to grow up is a bad plan. She will always be there, she will get married, bring grandkids around, borrow money from dad, need college paid for, well you get the point. When she is 40 she may still be a thorn in the side of the step mother if the step mother has made her a permanent enemy. She will not just go away when she turns 18.
Counseling can really help in these situations. We see a psychologist, sometimes together, mostly separately. She helps me understand what my stepdaughter might be thinking so I can react appropriately, for example saying something vs. not saying anything, or how best to work through a problem. I am sure she does the same with my stepdaughter.
It really has helped our family. I can be very stubborn at times and very rigid in my approach, which are disastrous qualities to have as a stepmother. Our therapist helps me be more accepting and helps me let unimportant things go.
She also lights a fire under my husband when necessary. That helps him avoid Divorced Dad Syndrome and parent more effectively.
It's not a panacea but I highly recommend therapy for stepfamilies.
I seriously doubt if that man would agree to see any kind of a counselor. It intimidates them and makes them feel they're getting attacked.
Another point I want to make is, if I had a step mother and stole from her, etc, it would mean I don't like her nor have any respect for her. If my heart had been broken due to my mother dying there is no way I would steal from anyone. I would get mad, I would cry, I would be depressed. But I knew better and was trained to never steal . Sounds to me she wants you to start packing.
No; I doubt if dad will have a thing to do with counseling. The daughter needs it and maybe a few other things, though. You must love this man an awful lot to hang around in this situation!!
I seriously doubt if that man would agree to see any kind of a counselor. It intimidates them and makes them feel they're getting attacked.
Another point I want to make is, if I had a step mother and stole from her, etc, it would mean I don't like her nor have any respect for her. If my heart had been broken due to my mother dying there is no way I would steal from anyone. I would get mad, I would cry, I would be depressed. But I knew better and was trained to never steal . Sounds to me she wants you to start packing.
No; I doubt if dad will have a thing to do with counseling. The daughter needs it and maybe a few other things, though. You must love this man an awful lot to hang around in this situation!!
That's kind of a sexist statement to make isn't it? My father sat through every counseling session I went to. Heck, I'd go today if I thought my family needed it. Sometimes we must do things that are uncomfortable for the betterment of our family. A lot more men that you realize believe this. ESPECIALLY fathers.
Not everyone has the same "training" so that is something to keep in mind. And regardless of what we are taught as a child, there are some events that can happen that we are not prepared for. Most of us don't teach our kids how to deal with a parent passing because none of us want to think about that. Therefore, the child is ill equipped to handle that stress. They can sometimes act out and even do things they know better than to do out of desperation.
If the OP sincerely loved the husband, then she would understand the step daughter is a part of the package and would extend that same love to her. She would be the one trying to get everyone on the same page and would have some patience and understanding for both the husband and step-daughter. He is likely grieving as much as she is.
When my mother passed, my father grieved for her even after being remarried. There are things in the home that he never allowed to be taken down or put away. He didn't separate from her out of choice. This father may be in the same boat. He may love the OP but still love and miss his deceased wife. It's one of the most difficult positions to ever be put into.
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