Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
As a step parent to a child who already has two parents, he does what I say because I am the adult in the room, and it is my house.
If he didn't listen then I leave it to his dad for punishment. My husband would consult me on the punishment but it is ultimately his decision.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I am not really interested in being a "mom" to her, I never wanted kids but figured since she was older it would be more bearable.
I laughed out loud at this post.
My SD was 20 when I met and married her Dad.
I thought the same. Bearable? No way.
Mine stole my jewelry and had the balls to wear it in front of me. I was so naive and said, "wow I have earrings just like those." never imagining that she would go into my room, go into my things and steal, but she did. Also took a diamond necklace and wore it later. (by then I knew it was gone) Story is too long to post here. The fact that she left my home (and it was MY HOME) is the only reason hubby and I are still married.
Suggest going to a therapist, together with your husband, NOW, IMMEDIATELY, as in YESTERDAY. Because if you and your husband do not come together as a unit, this little monster will drive you apart.
Frankly, I don't care what all the other "parents" say... that your husband has to put the daughter first, blah blah blah. That is BS. If the daughter senses that she is first, and that she rules the roost, your marriage is over. Little girl must be put in her place, and fast. You need to be respected, rules need to be made and followed, and if not, punishment given. I'm not saying be mean, but be fair.
SD does not need to love you or like you, but she must respect you as an adult and not lie cheat steal etc.
Mine stole my jewelry and had the balls to wear it in front of me. I was so naive and said, "wow I have earrings just like those." never imagining that she would go into my room, go into my things and steal, but she did. Also took a diamond necklace and wore it later. (by then I knew it was gone) Story is too long to post here. The fact that she left my home (and it was MY HOME) is the only reason hubby and I are still married.
Suggest going to a therapist, together with your husband, NOW, IMMEDIATELY, as in YESTERDAY. Because if you and your husband do not come together as a unit, this little monster will drive you apart.
Frankly, I don't care what all the other "parents" say... that your husband has to put the daughter first, blah blah blah. That is BS. If the daughter senses that she is first, and that she rules the roost, your marriage is over. Little girl must be put in her place, and fast. You need to be respected, rules need to be made and followed, and if not, punishment given. I'm not saying be mean, but be fair.
SD does not need to love you or like you, but she must respect you as an adult and not lie cheat steal etc.
I seriously doubt if that man would agree to see any kind of a counselor. It intimidates them and makes them feel they're getting attacked.
Another point I want to make is, if I had a step mother and stole from her, etc, it would mean I don't like her nor have any respect for her. If my heart had been broken due to my mother dying there is no way I would steal from anyone. I would get mad, I would cry, I would be depressed. But I knew better and was trained to never steal . Sounds to me she wants you to start packing.
No; I doubt if dad will have a thing to do with counseling. The daughter needs it and maybe a few other things, though. You must love this man an awful lot to hang around in this situation!!
Sounds like you are your own problem. It is extremely unfortunate that you didn't step up to be a mom to her when she needed it, and even more unfortunate that your husband didn't realize this before he married you.
Mine stole my jewelry and had the balls to wear it in front of me. I was so naive and said, "wow I have earrings just like those." never imagining that she would go into my room, go into my things and steal, but she did. Also took a diamond necklace and wore it later. (by then I knew it was gone) Story is too long to post here. The fact that she left my home (and it was MY HOME) is the only reason hubby and I are still married.
Suggest going to a therapist, together with your husband, NOW, IMMEDIATELY, as in YESTERDAY. Because if you and your husband do not come together as a unit, this little monster will drive you apart.
Frankly, I don't care what all the other "parents" say... that your husband has to put the daughter first, blah blah blah. That is BS. If the daughter senses that she is first, and that she rules the roost, your marriage is over. Little girl must be put in her place, and fast. You need to be respected, rules need to be made and followed, and if not, punishment given. I'm not saying be mean, but be fair.
SD does not need to love you or like you, but she must respect you as an adult and not lie cheat steal etc.
I have no words. I find the lack of empathy for a child who lost her mother disgusting.
No, I assure you, it's real. Truth be told I figured I'd be getting most of these kind of responses, but at the very least wanted to vent. On the bright side my husband asked me what I wanted. I told him that personally I think she should be sent to boot camp. There is one not to far away. I think it would be good for her and best for me and my husband. Yes, I admit I may be a "bad' step-mom but I honestly don't care, now that she has stolen from me she really needs discipline. I really don't believe in counseling or therapy, just people making good money off of others suffering.
My husband did say he would think about it. Sending her off to boot camp would be great.
I think he should send YOU off to boot camp so he and his daughter can resume the life they had before you turned it upside down. That would be best for THEM. The last thing either of them need is a wife/"mother" with an attitude like yours. I am just imaging how her mother would feel knowing what has happened since her death. Makes me sad for her because I know her dying wish was probably for her daughter to be loved and cared for, and you're not doing that and you are detracting her father from doing that.
I LIKE kids, but before my husband and I got married I did a million what-if scenarios. How will we handle messiness? What would happen if he back talked me and no one was around? What if he comes back to something with " your not my mom!!!!"
I knew it was a potential minefield for everyone concerned.
I LOVE kids. And my husband and I discussed how to handle his son for over a year. When I met Greg, my stepson-to-be, it was always in a controlled environment. By that I mean,we went skiing, kayaking,to movies, out to dinner, to a sporting event etc.
It's next to impossible to replicate what it would be like to actually LIVE together- before you do. Everyone is on good behavior. It is human nature to do that...with most people.
In my case, Greg intermittently made odd and off comments that put me on edge. He was a little boy, very cute and smart, but some things sounded strange.
For example, he said "will you get divorced?" and "I don't want you to have any children." He was seven at the time. I had never heard a seven year old ask adults such bizarre questions or give adults directives not to reproduce.
My husband said that these comments would "go away". I don't think that any thing "goes away" on it's own. I think it needs to be addressed and dealt with - either by the parents, or by a professional.
The original poster admitted to not liking children. Personally, if I had a child, and I was widowed or divorced, and a prospective partner told me that he didn't like children -I WOULD RUN.
The parent is the gatekeeper here - NOT the prospective step parent. It really was up to the father to vet this woman's suitability as a step mother. People who don't have children often think parenting is an 18 year gig. It is not.
It's a life time commitment. However, a PARENT seeking to re-marry should protect his or her child.
Make sure that this person realizes that it's a package deal.
Men make the mistake of assuming that all women are maternal. They are not.
Women make the mistake of thinking that they need a man to be whole.
When you have a child, and are seeking to remarry, the potential step parent must be investigated.Personally, in this position I would check for a criminal back ground. When my husband met me, as a private investigator, he did a background check on me rather early on. I had no problem with this.
The problem was his son. I was happy to be a step-mom. I was not in competition with his ex wife. I was more than open to the idea of a blended family.
My step son was not. And over 20 years later - still isn't.
For those of you who think that "all children are good" - you are sadly mistaken. There are sociopathic children, oppositional defiant children, children who are pathological liars, children who torture animals, set fires, and are nasty, spiteful and devious. All senior citizens are not good at heart either. Same goes for disabled people.
Sure, there are some bad step parents. Once again, I lay the blame on the parent. If your daughter is being treated like Cinderella, or your son is being constantly being picked on by a step father - It is the PARENT'S JOB to stop this. Not the step parent.
For the record, I am both a step mother and a step daughter. My mother also died of cancer when she was in her late 40s and I was in my early 20s. My father quickly remarried one of his secretaries. My mother was unable to have intimate relationship for seven years before her death. My dad gave my mother the best of care. I am certain that my mother knew something was going on.
And I don't judge.
Now I count my step mom among my best friends. It took a while, but we are close. Problems were actually generated by my dad, not my stepmom. She would have done anything he wanted.
It was his choice, early on, to detach from his first family.
I realize this now, and forgive everyone involved.
Being a step parent can be a thankless job. Two of my sisters treat my step mom horribly. They of course think my dad is perfect and has been "brainwashed".
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sounds like you are your own problem. It is extremely unfortunate that you didn't step up to be a mom to her when she needed it, and even more unfortunate that your husband didn't realize this before he married you.
