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WOW... I never expected so many reply's to my asking for help. I do feel guilt. I know what I should have done after the fact but the man I was having the affair with was fine with me staying with my ex. He knew I felt terrible by what happened to him and I did. I guess I was just hoping i could take care of him and have a little love in my life. I was wrong. I should have divorced and then started the affair. I thought my girls were mature enough to understand seeing 18 years of their lives with my situation.
I am happy now. Extremely happy. At 55 I just now seem to know what being really loved is. My ex always thought of STUFF. Very materialistic I mean. Now i'm with a man that thinks of me. That hugs me, wants to go places with me, is proud of me, tells me everyday how much he loves me. I never had those things in my life. I am sorry about how things went down. I just hope one day my daughter will see things more clearly. I hope she takes good care of her son. As much as I resent my ex for watching me do everything for all those years and doing nothing i do hope my daughter takes care of him too. Funny thing is I didn't know he could do things until we were in the divorce court and his lawyer told him if he wanted the house he had to show the court that he could take care of it.
Wouldn't you know the next day he was shoveling snow, doing laundry and cooking for himself. i was shocked to say the least. I said to him ("so you can shovel snow and cook now") he looked at me and said "I'M A MAN, I CAN DO ANYTHING") i was floored.
All those years he watched me shovel snow, split wood(with a log splitter) haul wood in the house for fires to save on the gas bill, make meals, do laundry, vacuum, cut grass, tote kids everywhere, serve him his meals, cut his meat, pay the bills and work 2 jobs besides breeding dogs for 14 years and selling plants that I divided out of my gardens for a 1.00 each and painting ukrainian eggs and selling them at shows, UGH Just thinking about it baffles me. I sure couldn't do that all now. Oh well. I'm most proud of all my girls and always will be. I just hope one day my middle one will come to forgive me. Maybe she will , maybe she won't. I pray she will let me see my grandson. I miss him already. Only been 4 days but seems like an eternity. Thank you all for your opinions. Most all if not all have given me some insight. thanks.
Wow, what a disgusting con artist! So, not only did he refuse to return to work, when his doctors said that he was very capable of holding down a job, but he faked that he could do absolutely nothing around the house for 18 years. And, while his wife was holding down multiple jobs, plus finding extra ways to save money (splitting logs & heating with wood) and earn extra money he, apparently, was just holding on to his settlement money (the money that he now used to buy a house) instead of using it to help support his family. Sheesh! The OP even cut up his meat for him and he actually could "shovel snow, do laundry & cook" and just faked that he could not do anything at all except lay on the couch, watch TV and read.
And, people continue to put all of the blame on the OP ! ? ! ?
You do know that the OP wrote that post - post #99 - after many people responded unfavorably to her post #1...
With a thread this long, people will read the first page or two and respond to what is written there.
She amended her story 10 pages in.
It did not appear to me that she "amended" or changed her story. She said in the very first post that the doctors told him that he should be able to work but he refused to work for 16 (18?) years while she held down two jobs, cared for him and did everything around the house.
The only thing that she added in post 99 was that she was doing additional things to earn money besides working two jobs. And, that he definitely was "faking" not being able to do anything, if the day after the judge told him to "prove that he could care for a house" he was out shoveling snow, doing the laundry and cooking after pretending that he could not do those things for almost two decades.
You chose the affair over family, and now you must suffer the consequences.
Hope it was worth it!
that was pretty nasty thing to say to the lady Pitt. You didnt walk a mile in her shoes with a man who didnt care enough about the relationship to make it better.. If this had been a guy would you have been as cruel? I dont think so .. ::sighs:: wasting 20 years of life with a whiner lazy person isnt worth the pain it causes ..
You chose the affair over family, and now you must suffer the consequences.
Hope it was worth it!
What a thoroughly insensitive and cruel response. People make mistakes and you do not know what she was going through or how she felt. She sounded lonely, miserable and unloved. People do desperate things when they are stressed and suffering emotionally. She was working two jobs and trying to take care of a self-pitying, ornery husband and raise her daughters too. It is not up to any of us to judge someone else - she knows what she didn't wasn't right, she is sorry, but its over and done with. I am glad she is happy and moving on with her life.
When my kids were young the were taught that their mother was the good one and dad was the bad guy that could be disposed of. THEN they grew up and figured out on their own that their mother was a disloyal money grubbing jerk...Of course they still love their mom...but now they realize that I was not such a bad guy...I was a guy making the best of a bad situation...and I was protective of my kids.
what did you cheat on??? the marriage was over years ago!!
you took care of this person for 16 yrs??? that is a saint,,,, that wasn't in the vows (yeah I know for better or worse) however,,if a man stops being a husband,,,then he breaks the marriage
and that can be done many ways,,,from earning, to respecting, to helping, to comforting, to thankfulness
you worked two jobs,,,to hold the family together??? while sacrificing any life you had??? you worked two jobs....for a husband,,,that wasn't working or contributing,,,,and you alone provided for your daughters...
then ....when it was your turn,,,to have a little comfort and closeness for yourself.......you are being called a cheater????
I'm sorry your marriage was over years ago,,,you turned into a caretaker for an adult man...
again,,,what did you cheat on????????
if I am your husband...I thank the stars every night that you are taking care of me and our daughters and try to help and care for you any chance I get
now your daughters have turned on you???
. ,?
I agree with this one hundred percent. A lot of wives would not have stuck it out for 16 years with someone who offered no love, no contribution of any kind and just sat around feeling sorry for himself. If he had shown a little more initiative - maybe counseling, trying to find a new job skills, being nice to someone who WAS fulfilling her end of the marriage contract by taking care of him through sickness and health.
Personally I think all parties are wrong in this situation --
1. The mother, for cheating. People are actually defending being unfaithful in a relationship? Really? I would honestly understand the OP more if she didn't keep going on about how horrible her ex was in the thread. So yeah maybe he was a lowlife and a bad husband. Seems like there's truth to that. But I guarantee she's saying this to her daughters as well, especially if she's telling us strangers. Unless the dad was a total POS, I doubt the daughters care to hear her speak of their dad this way. Maybe he was a better dad than a husband, and the middle daughter is sick of hearing vitriol spoken about him.
2. The middle daughter, for not even trying to understand her mom's side and for using her mom as a babysitter when it was convenient for her. She has every right to be upset about the cheating and to defend her dad, but she is inconsistent about this. It seems like she used her mom when it worked out and then turned on her when she didn't need her anymore. That makes the whole "hate" reason seem quite disingenuous.
3. The father, for not trying to get a job for 18 years. And I bet he is doing his own fair share of talking bad about his ex-wife as well.
I think these people are totally dysfunctional. From the OP's tone of her posts to the middle daughter's issues and dad's actions...everyone is screwed up and at fault here. I think, if the OP REALLY wants it, there should be a meeting between these three, perhaps with a mediator, to hash out all these issues.
Lastly, I agree with everyone who said that if the OP were a man, he'd be lambasted a lot more. Some people here are def. hypocrites.
Apparently, they have never heard of the boil-the-frog analogy.
Interesting analogy for this situation.
If the husband was more assertive in understanding the needs of his wife - love, companionship, partnership, participation, etc. she probably would not have started the affair which resulted in the end of the marriage.
If the wife had reacted more assertively to her ex-husband's lack of participation in the relationship, he may have straightened out. He was very complacent (and lazy) as she took care of him, the children, the household, and financing their lives. The affair forced him to act --> divorce. The threat of losing his house forced him to act --> proving to the court he could take care of himself. It's too bad he wasn't motivated much earlier.
I have no doubt that both parties are responsible for the end of this marriage. Living in a loveless and one-sided relationship can be pure hell. I don't condone cheating, but I wish the OP well. She feels love, affection, and appreciation with her current husband.
Unfortunately, there are consequences to our actions. Betrayal is terrible and usually does not end well.
Hopefully, her daughter will come to understand the strain of the marriage and forgive her mother (and her father when she realizes he was also to blame).
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