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Old 10-01-2016, 06:07 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,775,864 times
Reputation: 10821

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Except it is. He didn't make his true abilities known until he had to prove he could maintain a home.

Why shouldn't she resent him? He played on her feelings of obligation for 16 yrs.
The doctor told her he could work, she made it very clear he just didn't want to be anything but an electrician. He refused to learn a new trade. at the the time she chose to stay, she knew she was staying with a miserable guy who would not work. If you willingly do that you can't claim total victim.

Then she chose the affair instead of leaving. At that point her kids were grown. She CHOSE to have a side guy in secret and keep up with the nurse/servant life in public.

He did not make her do that. Even she admits it was a mistake.

What I'm saying is it's not ALL his fault. She is not blameless. Neither is he. She made choices. So did he. They did that together.

Admitting your part in it is the first step to moving past it and not repeating the same mistakes.
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Old 10-01-2016, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,346,006 times
Reputation: 41121
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopackgo61 View Post
Thank you all for your advise. I do appreciate it. I have never been on a site like this before and your advice is very much appreciated. I now know i"m not the only one in this boat. I agree with all of you. Yes I was wrong, I should have never had an affair and I should have first divorced. I have felt guilty about that for the last 3 years I know I was being selfish wanting to be loved and cared about. My self esteem was incredibly low. My ex had gotten a settlement years before so that is how he is able to buy a home. But THIS home that I got he always considered (HIS HOME) because he built it. Even though we were together we we built it. Anyway I am incredibly happy and my other 2 girls are happy for me and I do have a great relationship with them. My middle daughter has always had a wild streak. She was kicked out of the house at 18 because of not wanting to have rules, drinking, bringing pills to school and other reasons but she knew she had to work hard to make it and she did. She is a very very hard worker but unfortunately has gotten involved in real losers. She would work and they would sit around smoking pot and whatever else, totally took her for granted. Then she got pregnant and started living with this guy which is extremely abbusive with alcohol and drugs. Her child (my grandson) has autism and I have been help her out with him as much as possible the last year and a half. But now that her father bought her a car and now a house for them to live in I guess she doesn't need my help anymore. I know she was using me for babysitting but that is ok. I love my grandson and it was a joy having him. She knows I love him with all my heart. The thing is; this came on like a thunderbolt, just out of the blue. I thought we were getting along but I was so wrong. Im wondering if this house they were supposed to be getting fell through and he wasn't able to get the loan and she just found out about it and now it is all falling apart for her so she had to lash out on me. You see, my ex got a settlement but it is only going to last another 10 years and he is already 60. I'm not sure he thought about that maybe a bank would look at that and only give him a 10 year loan and because he's not working it fell through. So that nice big house on the golf course and lake with that big master bedroom with the hot tub she was bragging about all week fell through and she is mad because I got HER DADS house. Ugh. It is so frustrating dealing with a daughter that is sweet and thankful one minute and raking you over the coals the next. Thank you everyone. this has helped
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
The doctor told her he could work, she made it very clear he just didn't want to be anything but an electrician. He refused to learn a new trade. at the the time she chose to stay, she knew she was staying with a miserable guy who would not work. If you willingly do that you can't claim total victim.

Then she chose the affair instead of leaving. At that point her kids were grown. She CHOSE to have a side guy in secret and keep up with the nurse/servant life in public.

He did not make her do that. Even she admits it was a mistake.

What I'm saying is it's not ALL his fault. She is not blameless. Neither is he. She made choices. So did he. They did that together.

Admitting your part in it is the first step to moving past it and not repeating the same mistakes
.
You mean like in the quote above?
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:01 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,775,864 times
Reputation: 10821
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
You mean like in the quote above?
Uh huh. And NOT like the rest of it where she resents the hell out of him and paints him as the bad guy who made her life miserable. That's the part she's not owning. He may have been lazy and mean to her, but she chose to stay anyway.

And I had already acknowledged that she admitted the affair was a mistake IN THE SAME POST YOU QUOTED. I'm talking about the marriage itself.
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:21 PM
 
1,180 posts, read 2,910,651 times
Reputation: 3558
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Uh huh. And NOT like the rest of it where she resents the hell out of him and paints him as the bad guy who made her life miserable. That's the part she's not owning. He may have been lazy and mean to her, but she chose to stay anyway.

And I had already acknowledged that she admitted the affair was a mistake IN THE SAME POST YOU QUOTED. I'm talking about the marriage itself.
oh Good Lord!! this poor woman just can't win!
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,346,006 times
Reputation: 41121
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Uh huh. And NOT like the rest of it where she resents the hell out of him and paints him as the bad guy who made her life miserable. That's the part she's not owning. He may have been lazy and mean to her, but she chose to stay anyway.

And I had already acknowledged that she admitted the affair was a mistake IN THE SAME POST YOU QUOTED. I'm talking about the marriage itself.
I thought it was pretty clear she chose to stay believing it was her obligation and she resented all the work she did when he could have done something to help. Who wouldnt be resentful? Where are you getting she isn't owning that?
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:46 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,775,864 times
Reputation: 10821
Quote:
Originally Posted by exit82 View Post
oh Good Lord!! this poor woman just can't win!
I already made it clear I feel for everyone involved, we've all been in situations where we can't see the forest for the trees, I could see myself doing the same thing she did. Please don't act like I'm flogging her at the stake. All I said was that all parties share some blame here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
I thought it was pretty clear she chose to stay believing it was her obligation and she resented all the work she did when he could have done something to help. Who wouldnt be resentful? Where are you getting she isn't owning that?
Well, I thought it was pretty clear from the beginning the doctor told them both he was capable of working and yes, she saw it as her duty to stay even when he was being a jerk. He didn't totally dupe her, she knew all along he has capable of doing more than he was doing. she might not have known he could chop wood but she knew he didn't have to sit home all day either. But she chose to stay with him anyway.

Marriages take two. I don't believe it's all one persons fault most of the time. He was an ass, and she was an enabler. I agree the situation was co-dependent. I believe she should reflect on that so that she doesn't end up doing that again with someone else. Everybody has their thing, this is hers it seems.

I never said the guy was a prize and everything was her fault. But I'm not going to buy into the idea that she shouldn't reflect on where things went wrong and look for her part. That's something EVERYONE should do when a marriage ends.

Last edited by Tinawina; 10-01-2016 at 09:26 PM..
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,346,006 times
Reputation: 41121
She stayed with him anyway because "for better and for worse" and because they had 3 children.

At some point, after the kids were gone, she got involved with someone, felt loved for the first time in years.

Not saying it was an awesome thing to do but it was human.
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Old 10-01-2016, 09:29 PM
 
6,129 posts, read 6,775,864 times
Reputation: 10821
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
She stayed with him anyway because "for better and for worse" and because they had 3 children.

At some point, after the kids were gone, she got involved with someone, felt loved for the first time in years.

Not saying it was an awesome thing to do but it was human.
Never said it wasn't human. Just said she made her mistakes too. That IS human.
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Old 10-02-2016, 08:13 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,554,680 times
Reputation: 42767
Quote:
Originally Posted by dmarie123 View Post
I couldn't care less if my mother cheated on my father. I don't understand why I would be mad at her?? Help me understand this. How does a mother, cheating on a father, wrong a child? Yes, it breaks up the child's parent's marriage, but it is not an affront or an insult to the child. Divorcing the dad first doesn't change the end result.

It is none of my business who my mother sleeps with. None at all. She could be banging the entire state, and it would not be my place to get mad.

I am truly at a loss as to how a child can treat a mother this way.

Vile.
It's funny how people react differently to the same event, isn't it? I am protective of both my parents and get upset when one hurts the other.
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Old 10-02-2016, 08:18 AM
 
1,153 posts, read 1,040,874 times
Reputation: 4358
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
You chose the affair over family, and now you must suffer the consequences.
Hope it was worth it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
That's harsh.
Society has gotten soft and now we're noticing the disasters that are stemming from it: poor decisions, drug use, welfare abuse, young girls having babies with losers and thugs, increased crime, violence, kids not caring about school, broken homes, the lack of work-ethic, etc., etc.

Granted these problems had always been around....but in older times people actually had to suffer the consequences of their choices.

Now that society and government transfer payments backstop and subsidize bad choices is it any wonder why people are making them more and more?

You wonder why there's so many broken homes? It's because the government makes it both legally and financially easy for women to divorce their husbands, with or without affairs; and with society voicing little condemnation we're only going to see more broken homes or people simply opting not to have families at all (as is the case with much of the millennial generation).

Society needs to get tougher on B.S. We need some backbone. Heck, even our military has gotten too soft: too many waivers, too many free passes, too much "tolerance" for nonsense. I want to live in a society where we have tough moms and dads who rein their kids in and teach them to do well in life, I also want families to stick together even through the tough times, I want people who know how to show up to work on time and actually work while there there. That's what we need to get back to.

Harsh? It's doubtful too many Americans know what "harsh" actually is, but we will no doubt get their via our own stupidity once the gravy train starts running dry.

Last edited by InchingWest; 10-02-2016 at 08:26 AM..
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