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Okso ive posted here about being a single father before. I never feel like im doing enough, or good enoughif you will.
Does anyone have any good readings or information on bonding, more specifically how much time per day you must spend with your child. what types of activities lead to a strong bond. Ive raised my two boys alone for 6 1/2 years.. theyre 7 and 8 now and i still feel like i dont get it.
EDIT* And please give example ways for boosting my kids confidence. Im so lost.
It's not necessarily about the hours/day or even the activities. It's about being there day in and day out. It's about being reliable and predictable. It's about just living.
My guess is that you do actually get it. What I've learned as I've become older (middle aged) and as my children are now in their 20's is that a parent (or child) doesn't often recognize the bond that exists until adulthood. It's not like some movie and the kids just gush over the parent. It's a connection that is invisible, but it's there.
For example, last week one of my uncles died. He's always been around and involved in my life in some way--even if it was just seeing each other a few times a year. If my grief and heart are any indication, there was a bond between us even though I didn't see him regularly as an adult and never participated in special activities with him.
I agree that being there day-to-day, talking to them and helping them through the ups and downs of daily life is the best way to create a loving relationships that they will remember and cherish long after you are gone. It's not about spending X number of hours with them every day, but more the quality of day-to-day life you can offer them, and like poster rrah says, I suspect you're doing OK with that as it is.
You also want to find out what's special to them that they like and participate with them. They like baseball? Put them in Little League and cheer them on. Don't have Time for that? Take them a few times a year to MLB or a minor league game if no pro team is near you. The point is that beyond everyday things, carve out a few special days a year around something that they find fascinating, whether its sports or anything else.
There are no books for this. Just use love and common sense. You'll do fine.
My son and husband love to go geocaching, have y'all tried that? There's an app on the phone you can use and you go hiking or walking on various trails and find these little hidden treasures. It's a great bonding activity for the two of them and you can spend 15 minutes doing it or all day.
Camping is also a popular family bonding activity for us.
And then there are sports and other activities our son enjoys. And family dinner time. I think the main key here is to find stuff you all enjoy and do it together. Just spend time with them. If you spend enough time with them they'll eventually open up and chat with you more about their day and such.
Check out this book, I have never read this one specifically but i have read her "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters," and it was a pretty good read, didn't agree with every single word, but then again nobody ever will with anybody.
Okso ive posted here about being a single father before. I never feel like im doing enough, or good enoughif you will.
Does anyone have any good readings or information on bonding, more specifically how much time per day you must spend with your child. what types of activities lead to a strong bond. Ive raised my two boys alone for 6 1/2 years.. theyre 7 and 8 now and i still feel like i dont get it.
EDIT* And please give example ways for boosting my kids confidence. Im so lost.
Any help has already been thanked in advanced.
Do a search of authoritative (as compared to authoritarian or permissive) parenting. That kind of parental strategy seems to have the best outcomes.
I don't know that there's a science to it, but I agree with the above posters - it's not "how much" time you spend with them, I think it's "what" you do with the time spent. My dad worked nights when I was much younger, I still remember the time spent with him though, and that was all that mattered. He worked during the days most of my child/teenhood and had normal hours with on-call, etc, but he always spent time with me - be it out at playgrounds, riding my bike etc when I was younger, to laser tag and hiking, teaching me to drive or going up to my grandparents with him as I got older. Even now when he visits or I go out to my parents, we still go out and do stuff almost every day - zoos, museums, hiking, etc. I only see him a couple times a year, but it's what we do with the time that matters.
Now that I have my own, I use the same philosophy. I'm heading out the door when the wife is going to work and taking him to daycare, and I get home a little after they do, then he's in bed an hour and a half to 2 hours later. But, I make the most of that 2 hours - dinner with him, giving him his bath, playing before bed and reading him a book when he brings it to me at bedtime. Same with weekends - playing outside with him, taking his ride on truck out or his wagon. Going out places, he goes with me, or we all go out together.
Okso ive posted here about being a single father before. I never feel like im doing enough, or good enoughif you will.
Does anyone have any good readings or information on bonding, more specifically how much time per day you must spend with your child. what types of activities lead to a strong bond. Ive raised my two boys alone for 6 1/2 years.. theyre 7 and 8 now and i still feel like i dont get it.
EDIT* And please give example ways for boosting my kids confidence. Im so lost.
Any help has already been thanked in advanced.
Hi, i'm also a single parent.
Here are some things i've tried, some worked better than others,but it really depends on the personalities of the parties involved. and also, if i am repeating things that you already are doing, forgive me, i just don't know the setup in your home.
1. talk talk talk and listen listen listen. put time aside each day and spend time with them - together and indvidually. read bed time stories. set up good night rituals (whatever you do - pray, put the stuffed animals to sleep, read a book, have a joke, etc)
2. eat meals together as much as possible. let the boys get involved as much as possible, and try to have set schedules. doesn't have to be for every single night, but have saturday pizza an dmovie night. wednesday night is boy1 choice. monday night is boy2 choice.
3. when you have a chance, do chores together. bake cookies. even if you use a mix instead of from scratch.
4. every night (monday - friday), have "something" schedules. monday is game night. tuesday is the park. wednesday is movie/pizza. thursday is crafts. whatever works.
5. have company over once in a while. it's really important for your children to learn how to host.
6. on weekends, when you can, do bonding things - less malls/gymboree types, more hiking, sports, museums.
Bonding: The best bonding activity I have found with my children is to teach them something. Pick something you want them to learn, that you can do, and then teach them. I have taught my kids how to read, I have taught them arithmetic, I am planning on teaching them to program and to build a computer.
Confidence: The best way to build confidence is to enable them to experience true accomplishment. The classic way that a Chinese mom uses is to make the kid take piano lessons. No child is great at the piano when they first start. But when a parent makes their child practice, it becomes very very obvious to the child that when they practice they get better. And after a few years of practicing and getting better, they then find themselves playing a nice piece at a recital, and the Chinese mom then makes a big deal about how they worked so hard and now they are so good and that they really ACCOMPLISHED something.
Take this method and apply it to anything. Find an activity your kids like, have a passion about. Make them practice. Then celebrate their accomplishments. Give them an identity - "I am a pianist" or "I am a soccer player" or "I am a boy scout". Confidence comes from identity, and identity comes from accomplishment, and accomplishment comes from hard work and practice.
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