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I'd pick your battles. What is your biggest issue? Is it the gifts? The bathroom? i'd choose one and start there and then once you guys accomplish that you can move on to the next issue. Since you're living with her you have limited power over her though...especially since she's doing you a favor by watching your child in the afternoons while you're at work. Grandmothers spoil their grandchildren, that's just part of life.
My grandkids don't live with me but are here frequently with and without their parents. I indulge them up to a point. So, okay, I buy them stuff, let them eat an extra cookie and maybe let them have too much screen time because it's easier for me. But I don't want to raise them - I did that already with three of my own. Being a parent is hard work and when they are with me, I didn't sign up to do that.
If my daughter and her husband don't like it, they are free to find a sitter. However, since it isn't a full-time thing it hasn't become an issue. No way would I want to be the full-time caregiver. If you have a grandma like that, you're blessed. So she doesn't follow your rules. Remember, though, that she already raised her kids.
Even a baby-sitter won't follow all of your rules. If both parents have to work, this may be one of the things they have to accept unless the child is in a structured day-care program.
Thanks for all the replies. To address the dinner comment - no we do not force feed our son. But he has gotten into a habit lately of just taking a little bite of dinner and then going straight for 3-4 snacks after.. he clearly is still hungry so we asked him to eat more real food before he can have a snack. We do not make him eat when he is not hungry or when he is full, but the fact he has room for 3-4 snacks gives us the impression he isnt fool, just wants to eat junk instead..
Grandma does not cook or clean for us - we do that ourselves (although she tried, we told her we dont need or want her to do that). She makes food for our son when she's with him (mostly after he gets home from school and sometimes breakfast if we are running late). She insists on caring for him between the hours of when school is over and we get home (about 2 hrs) during the week days and thinks it would be near child abuse if we sent him to afterschool care/got babysitter instead of allowing her to spend time with him. Im not sure what she would do if we actually got a babysitter - she probably would still care for him and just let the sitter sit on the couch and watch tv She doesnt have any family here aside from us, no friends near by, husband abandoned her and she does not work (and doesnt want to..) so she clings to her grandson - aside form me and my husband, he is mostly her only interaction socially. And our son loves his grandma and overall we dont think shes a bad person or trying to ruin him (she does great arts and crafts with him!) but theres a clear conflict esp. when we are all home and she interrupts our parenting, etc. I mentioned to my husband that maybe she should go back to work, if even part time so she has some sort of life outside us/the home but she doesnt want to. She's fairly young (under 60) and in good health so I dont understand i but I cant force the woman..
And I get that most grandparents spoil their kid s- my parenst do the same.. but they usually dont see them daily which makes it OK. Having it be on a daily basis, we're seeing the change sin our son unfortunately..
She's family, we dont want to hurt her feelings (and her feelings get hurt very easily..) and appreciate her help but this is added stress thats starting to weigh on us.. What to do? Do we just let it slide and adopt a more carefree attitude? I am afraid to do that because I feel it will affect my son negatively - I dont wnat im to grow up to be a spoiled, entitled brat that thinks he is the cente rof the universe.
Last edited by joker1979; 10-27-2016 at 02:43 PM..
Thanks for all the replies. To address the dinner comment - no we do not force feed our son. But he has gotten into a habit lately of just taking a little bite of dinner and then going straight for 3-4 snacks after.. he clearly is still hungry so we asked him to eat more real food before he can have a snack. We do not make him eat when he is not hungry or when he is full, but the fact he has room for 3-4 snacks gives us the impression he isnt fool, just wants to eat junk instead..
Grandma does not cook or clean for us - we do that ourselves (although she tried, we told her we dont need or want her to do that). She makes food for our son when she's with him (mostly after he gets home from school and sometimes breakfast if we are running late). She insists on caring for him between the hours of when school is over and we get home (about 2 hrs) during the week days and thinks it would be near child abuse if we sent him to afterschool caregot babysitter instead of allowing her to spend time with him. She doesnt have any family here aside from us, no friends near by, husband abandoned her and she does not work (and doesnt want to..) so she clings to her grandson - aside form me and my husband, he is mostly her only interaction socially. And our son loves his grandma and overall we dont think shes a bad person or trying to ruin him (she does greta arts and crafts with him!) but theres a clear conflict esp. when we are all home and she interrupts our parenting, etc. I mentioned to my husband that maybe she should go back to work, if even part time so she has some sort of life outside us/the home but she doesnt want to. She's fairly young (under 60) and in good health so I dont understand i but I cant force the woman..
I'm not going to comment on the eating because I don't know your kids eating habits.
As for your MIL, Momma gotta go, if this keeps up it will drive a serious wedge in your relationship with your husband, at some-point you are going to reach your boiling point and nothing good will follow. Trail period is over, it is clear living together is not going to workout.
Your husband needs to sit down with his mom, and politely tell her to leave. If your husband can not have such a conversation with her, well you have then discovered an underlying cause of all this.
I'm not going to comment on the eating because I don't know your kids eating habits.
As for your MIL, Momma gotta go, if this keeps up it will drive a serious wedge in your relationship with your husband, at some-point you are going to reach your boiling point and nothing good will follow. Trail period is over, it is clear living together is not going to workout.
Your husband needs to sit down with his mom, and politely tell her to leave. If your husband can not have such a conversation with her, well you have then discovered an underlying cause of all this.
She says "we are living ....." so it sounds like they are in her house and they need to move.
I would suggest finding a daycare provider or after school care that meets your needs.
More or less, you have no leverage because you aren't her customer like a daycare provider would be, and you are mixing family with the business of being a daily caretaker for your child. Sometimes it works, it doesn't sound like it is in your case. I would preserve the relationship with MIL by getting yourself out of the dependent relationship and help your son out by putting in an environment where age appropriate expectations are enforced.
It's grandma. I guarantee he understands that there is a difference between your rules and Grandma's and that once you move into your own place he will be just as independent as you have taught him to be. In the meantime, she is doing you and your child a HUGE favor by letting you stay with her, cooking meals, doing school pickup and providing childcare - so don't get too bossy about HOW she does those things unless it's something harmful she is doing (it's not). She has raised at least one child to adulthood; give her some credit.
And she is right about not making him finish his dinner. My husband and I disagreed about that when raising our kids, but I won out. He wanted them to finish all their dinner before they could have dessert. I wanted them to eat their dinner and leave enough room for dessert. I mean, doesn't that just make sense? You eat until you are full, you don't stuff in as much as there is on your plate no matter what.
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She doesnt have any family here aside from us, no friends near by, husband abandoned her and she does not work (and doesnt want to..) so she clings to her grandson - aside form me and my husband, he is mostly her only interaction socially. And our son loves his grandma and overall we dont think shes a bad person or trying to ruin him (she does great arts and crafts with him!) but theres a clear conflict esp. when we are all home and she interrupts our parenting, etc. I mentioned to my husband that maybe she should go back to work, if even part time so she has some sort of life outside us/the home but she doesnt want to. She's fairly young (under 60) and in good health so I dont understand i but I cant force the woman..
