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I would be interested in some thoughts as to the issue I am facing. I have a 30 year old step daughter and I have been married to her father since she was 21. She has asperger's but is otherwise fully functional. Her mother died due to Diabetes when she was 17. She has since moved into an apartment with a roommate, she did graduate HS but has never held a job or done anything more as far as education.
She also has a physical disability which restricts her arms and she gets SSI. The thing is my husband gives her money to get things or items she wants, he says he feels bad for her and wants to help her as much as he can. He can often give her hundreds a month, and I think that is excessive and told him he should be letting her go on her own seeing as mentally she is more or less fine, but he says he just wants to help and she needs it. She doesn't drive but is in an area where she can walk where she wants. It bothers me though, am I being the wicked step mother here?
Yea you are. I cant imagine that she gets that much money on ssi since she has never worked. The extra money her father gives her im sure is greatly appreciated. That is what parents do, help their kids out when they can. Obiously she can not get a job although your post kinda sounds like you think she should be able to with out saying it. There is no gain from cutting off the daughter, its not like she is some bum that can work and chooses not to. She qualified for ssi for a reason, they don't just hand that out easily. Personally I think step parents should step back in these kind of situations, you could hurt their relationship just so you can have a couple hundred a month extra. If he can afford it then no big deal.
SSI maxes out at $735 and she probably gets food stamps and Medicaid. That's hardly a windfall. I can certainly see why your husband wants to help out! Social Security allows some very limited work before you'll be kicked off, but the whole reason people get SSI and SSDI is because they can't work. If she could hold down a full-time job, she wouldn't have been approved in the first place. My guess is that if she's 30 and can't even obtain a job, it's not going to happen at this point.
If your husband is just giving her money willy nilly then that is a problem. You and your husband need to sit down and develop a plan. Budget how much and for what is she going to get from you, and most importantly instead of just giving it to her, your husband needs to coach her along on spending wisely. If he wants to help here, then actually help here don't just throw money at her.
It needs to come from your husband, her dad, technically you are her step-mother, but in realty you are the woman her dad married when she was 21.
SSI maxes out at $735 and she probably gets food stamps and Medicaid. That's hardly a windfall. I can certainly see why your husband wants to help out! Social Security allows some very limited work before you'll be kicked off, but the whole reason people get SSI and SSDI is because they can't work. If she could hold down a full-time job, she wouldn't have been approved in the first place. My guess is that if she's 30 and can't even obtain a job, it's not going to happen at this point.
+1. This adult will be her father's responsibility for years to come. You should have realized that OP, before marrying, if it is an issue for you.
I do agree with the other poster who said it would be beneficial to help her work out a budget, but I don't think you have firm ground to stand on about the money he provides her.
If your husband is just giving her money willy nilly then that is a problem. You and your husband need to sit down and develop a plan. Budget how much and for what is she going to get from you, and most importantly instead of just giving it to her, your husband needs to coach her along on spending wisely. If he wants to help here, then actually help here don't just throw money at her.
It needs to come from your husband, her dad, technically you are her step-mother, but in realty you are the woman her dad married when she was 21.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
+1. This adult will be her father's responsibility for years to come. You should have realized that OP, before marrying, if it is an issue for you.
I do agree with the other poster who said it would be beneficial to help her work out a budget, but I don't think you have firm ground to stand on about the money he provides her.
If she is so disabled that she will never work, be sure that your husband has worked out a financial plan for continuing to help support her after you retire. A few hundred a month may not seem like a lot now, but if the two of you are trying to survive on social security it may seem like a fortune.
Also, you need to set up a plan for helping support her, for the rest of her life, after your husband dies.
I really hope that you and your husband discussed this before you got married and it just was not a surprise to you.
Another thing to consider. If she did not go to college then Dad did not help her with her college expenses. I know plenty of parents who easily spent $20,000 to $30,000 and more helping their children with college expenses. At few hundred a month it would take many years to equal that amount of money.
I should point out that I agree that your step-daughter having a budget is very important. Can she live on her SSI and other benefits? Maybe yes and maybe no. If she can live on the amount that she is receiving and Daddy is just buying her many luxury items because he feels guilty that is not right either.
I guess my main point is for Dad to determine if he is helping with "needs" or with "wants" for his daughter and to proceed accordingly.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-02-2016 at 07:59 AM..
I don't think you are wicked. But Aspergers + a physical disability is a pretty big hardship. Even if she works, she might not make enough to offset what she gets from SSI, food stamps and medical. I have a disabled family member who was never able to hold a job due to his mental and physical disabilities. He is quite poor. If it weren't for family members and friends offering him help, I don't know how he could get by. In fact, in his old age, he is hardly getting by.
So when you married him, you knew he had a disabled daughter that he was helping. That hasn't changed.
However, if its eating into you and your husband's quality of life, it would be worth a sit down to plan things financially. Maybe put a cap on how much you can give her a month.
Is he also driving her around quite a bit? There wasnt too much information but one sentence thought that might be bothering you as well. He might enjoy spending time helping her run her errands. Again if its a hardship, its worth a conversation. Walking may not be an issue, but would carrying her shopping bags back to her apartment be difficult with her arm condition?
I also agree, I hope he has a plan in place for when he is no longer able to help her. Seeing my family member age on SSI is a really scary thing. Not to mention, cuts are often made to SSI and we don't even know how long it will be around. Its an uncertain future.
Perhaps your step daughter does have the ability to do more. But perhaps she is functioning at her highest level of ability. Again, having autism and a physical disability is a pretty major burden to carry. I feel like your husband would know best what level of care she would need after raising her.
ETA The family member I have who gets SSI for his disability seemed like he could work to a lot of people. He is very smart. But there was a lot going on underneath the outer disabilities that you couldn't see. Like depression and anxiety, maybe in part due to growing up disabled. Although he was/is smart, he has executive functioning problems. Gainful employment was just not in the cards for him. The best option was SSI. Some people are like that. And as it was stated, they don't hand out SSI easily...not at all. You really have to prove it and keep proving your too disabled to work.
Last edited by HighFlyingBird; 11-02-2016 at 08:35 AM..
You aren't telling us if the money he gives her causes a hardship in your home. Is it causing a hardship or is this a puritanical self sufficiency philosophy you hold?
You aren't telling us if you think she should be working, although between aspergers and a disability where she can't lift her arms, I doubt she can. Do you think she should be working?
If she's got Asperger's, no GED and a disability affecting both of her arms, it will be next to impossible for her to find a job to support herself. Even if she gets a GED, she has two very significant disabilities. My roommate has some physical disabilities but has a master's degree, excels in her field and is well-liked and respected by her colleagues, and until recently she could not find a permanent position just because of how people PERCEIVED her disabilities, not even how they actually affected her or her work. She's finally found true success at 35, but the struggle was very real and her parents had to help her every step of the way (they took it out of her inheritance so as to be fair to her sister). Your stepdaughter on the other hand couldn't even work a waitressing, data entry or retail job. The Asperger's rules out sales positions.
If you married her father when she was 21, you had to know he would be helping her out for the rest of her life.
Working out a budget is basically all you can really do - this is your husband's DAUGHTER. And you should be working on helping him develop a plan for her when he has passed.
+1. This adult will be her father's responsibility for years to come. You should have realized that OP, before marrying, if it is an issue for you.
I do agree with the other poster who said it would be beneficial to help her work out a budget, but I don't think you have firm ground to stand on about the money he provides her.
She has very firm ground to stand on, the money coming into their house is as much her's as his, they are married, she gets just as much say as what happens to it. The only exception would be if a trust was set-up and he is the trustee, but household income that is the wife's too.
Step 1 is for husband and wife to sit down and decide how this financial giving will proceed with their money. Step 2, once they have decided, dad sits with daughter so she is fully aware of the limits and expectations. Step mom should not be involved in Step 2, but heavily involved in Step 1, she has just as much say in household income as dad.
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