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Old 12-12-2016, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Orlando, FL
79 posts, read 214,103 times
Reputation: 68

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My husband and I have had a similar conversation with our daughter, we sat her down and gave her the facts. Your father and I will not be paying for your wedding when and if that day comes. We can offer you $5,000.00 to do with what you like, but you and your fiancé will need to decide if you can afford to pay for a wedding or not.
My husband of 25 years and I, paid for our own wedding at a cost of 15,000. It's what we both wanted, so we worked for it. My husband worked 3 jobs and I worked 2, we cut costs on many things that were not so important to us. We have no regrets.
We have paid for 2 of our daughters 4 years of college and have also told her she will be responsible for the other 2. Whether she were our only child or 1 of 6, the facts would be the same. We showed her our monthly bills vs her fathers pay and explained about retirement costs and continuing living costs. We also discussed how her father and I would like to also enjoy our lives since we weren't getting any younger and do not want to take on anymore debt. At first, we got the usual, "but, but, that's what parents do" speech, but once she realized that we were not going to budge on this issue, she gave up and accepted that this was the way it was going to be. Luckily for us, our other 2 are boys!!! lol Best of luck!
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Old 12-12-2016, 10:54 PM
 
13,273 posts, read 8,392,925 times
Reputation: 31480
Brainstorm.

Have some fundraisers. Garage sale. Check local florist , caterers to see if they will give discounts based on contracted referrals. My niece had all but 4K paid for by committing to a year of campaigning for her wedding day. she got the social hall for free in return for 40 hours of volunteering for social events . She got her invitations for free (she had to buy the paper) .. Since I worked in the print industry. She got her photographer from the church .. He gifted his time and skill as her wedding gift. She got her gown rented. let's face it.. It's a one day attire, and she loved it!

Her wedding cake was made by a local school who trains in pastry and cake design. The students got graded and she only paid for the supplies...

Be resourcefull. It's your daughter's wedding, one of several life moments that a parent will cherish along with the young adult.
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Old 12-13-2016, 05:10 AM
 
7,986 posts, read 5,359,338 times
Reputation: 35548
Quote:
Originally Posted by wilsonthedog View Post

Future Husband has made the comment "Your parents can afford it!" which rubs me the wrong way and
NO, I don't like him very much, spoiled do much of nothing 28yr old imo, but that is a story for another day.

We (as a family) went on a epic vacation over the summer to Europe for almost 3 weeks that we just got done paying that off and brought our oldest along paid her way(she wasn't expecting that). Which may be why he says that.

The fact of the matter is with the siblings where they are in life, my wife is already going to France with her Dad, Daughter starting college in Aug, the money is all allotted for this year.

I could give a $1000 and that is about it. If they said we want to get married in 2 or 3 years and wanted the bigger wedding and gave me time to save then maybe that could happen. I can't just make the money appear and I'm not putting it on a card! There is enough stress and uncertainty with the 15, 16, 17 year old and college costs.

Please advise the couple in question is 24 and 28.
I don't know---I think when you have kids there are expenses that come with them. Paying for a wedding I think is included in that responsibility. I hope that my sons pick women who are not over the top. I think a wedding can be fancy and not cost a fortune. I think a wedding should be around 100- 200 people at the most. Who has more "close friends" than that??! In 2016 how far does $1000 go? I think when you choose to have kids you take on certain expenses. Maybe you need to forego the wife going to France. Priorities. Tradition is the daughter's family pays for the wedding. I have all sons (3 of them) but if they day comes I expect to put in a fair amount. Tradition in our family is the groom's family pays for the reception dinner, flowers, cake and part of the honeymoon.

(P.S. Not liking the guy should not be taken in consideration. You need to get over that or you will make your daughter's life miserable.)
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Old 12-13-2016, 06:31 AM
 
13,979 posts, read 25,889,429 times
Reputation: 39902
I agree, accepting certain obligatory costs in raising children comes with the territory. I do not agree that 24 and 28 yr olds are kids. I do not agree that a wedding is one of those obligations. I do not agree that paying for a wedding for those young adults should take precedence over a family trip (which included the bride-to-be). Traditions change.

As more and more young people delay marriage, I wonder if big weddings will fall out of style.
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Old 12-13-2016, 06:49 AM
 
15,752 posts, read 20,346,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
As more and more young people delay marriage, I wonder if big weddings will fall out of style.

I think this might be the case. I know several people who got married later in their 30's for the first time, and had minimalist weddings even with above average incomes.


If you want a big wedding, than that's fine, but by no means is it a parents obligation to provide that for the child. How does a big wedding help a child in life? Does it get them a job? Educate them? Provide them with shelter? Food? No. It's a big party. I don't understand how that is now an "expected cost of raising a child"
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Old 12-13-2016, 06:58 AM
 
73 posts, read 68,226 times
Reputation: 130
I would advise giving them the $1000 and telling them to get married in a private affair in the Caribbean.
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Old 12-13-2016, 07:15 AM
 
Location: Arizona
8,246 posts, read 8,596,826 times
Reputation: 27571
Quote:
Originally Posted by froglipz View Post
Statistics show cheaper wedding longer marriage. It's what you can afford, we had the fireman's hall for free, wife's mom cooked a ham for sandwiches, my dad bought a 1/2 barrel of beer, brought our stereo and played music on it. We have been married 43 years. It's not about the money!
I would like to see those stats. I think that is just something people say that don't want to pay for a wedding.
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Old 12-13-2016, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Arizona
8,246 posts, read 8,596,826 times
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I would tell both of them that they did not follow the traditional route so they don't get the traditional wedding.
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Old 12-13-2016, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
24,012 posts, read 28,399,744 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
I would tell both of them that they did not follow the traditional route so they don't get the traditional wedding.
Except that isn't the reason. Why lie?
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Old 12-13-2016, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,056,304 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
I would tell both of them that they did not follow the traditional route so they don't get the traditional wedding.
You would be surprised at how many "old fashioned" or religious or conservative parents would say "If you have already lived with your boy friend for 3 1/2 years I am not contributing to a wedding where the bride wears a white dress proclaiming her virginity, "introducing their life together" in front of all of our family and friends in a religious ceremony in a church, etc. etc."

I personally know several parents who believe that living together for before the wedding or at least before the engagement is wrong. While they may be happy that their child is getting married they may not feel that a traditional large wedding paid for by the bride's parents or the brides & grooms parents, is appropriate.
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