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Op, sorry to read that your wife is being treated indifferently and dis courteously by other family members. Guess I see her side and empathize.
A direct and civil conversation. Maybe a step in the right direction. Can you all meet and discuss?
I parented differently as I wanted my kids to have fun memories with relatives. I didn't isolate or carry the 'I am the parent and you cannot pass go attitude.' I tended to be mindful that my kids needed other support sources..my sons loved sleepovers at the grandparents and country stays with the one aunt they adored. They loved playing at the pond and going fishing.
Hope a compromise can be made..
Wow a voice of reason in this otherwise "My way or the highway" thread. While I do agree the OP's wife is being pushy, where is all this isolationism coming from? I am sorry for many of these children that they do not get the life experiences because their parents have to hoard them this way.
My husband and I visit our grandchildren in Florida and their parents are more than willing, in fact eager lol, to have us take them for a whole day on our own. They take the opportunity to go out together at night too while we are there. We have such a special relationship with our grandchildren that tends to develop more the more time we spend with them. And yes, it IS important to take them ourselves and not together with the parents. It is a different experience.
Wow a voice of reason in this otherwise "My way or the highway" thread. While I do agree the OP's wife is being pushy, where is all this isolationism coming from? I am sorry for many of these children that they do not get the life experiences because their parents have to hoard them this way.
My husband and I visit our grandchildren in Florida and their parents are more than willing, in fact eager lol, to have us take them for a whole day on our own. They take the opportunity to go out together at night too while we are there. We have such a special relationship with our grandchildren that tends to develop more the more time we spend with them. And yes, it IS important to take them ourselves and not together with the parents. It is a different experience.
Grandparents like you are in a whole different category than someone's wife who has only been around a short time.
Personally I think New Wife has major boundary issues and she may not be around long anyway.
Parents have absolute say over with whom their children associate with. This SIL may have had abuse situations in her background and overnights raise a red flag, especially when someone is constantly pushing for them. Maybe there are issues with the home, pets, second-hand smoke, or whatever.
Not something I would even consider for such young children with someone I did not know very well. I have no clue what an overnight is supposed to accomplish with such small children. Maybe babysitting in the children's own home for a short time would be acceptable if parents AND children feel comfortable.
Wow a voice of reason in this otherwise "My way or the highway" thread. While I do agree the OP's wife is being pushy, where is all this isolationism coming from? I am sorry for many of these children that they do not get the life experiences because their parents have to hoard them this way.
My husband and I visit our grandchildren in Florida and their parents are more than willing, in fact eager lol, to have us take them for a whole day on our own. They take the opportunity to go out together at night too while we are there. We have such a special relationship with our grandchildren that tends to develop more the more time we spend with them. And yes, it IS important to take them ourselves and not together with the parents. It is a different experience.
As grandparents, I assume that you have known your son or daughter since birth & they know how your treat children. And, I bet that you knew their spouse since their marriage. And your grandchildren since they were born. Right? That is a completely different situation than someone demanding sleepovers who had just married into the family.
(sorry, to be so obvious)
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrock4
Grandparents like you are in a whole different category than someone's wife who has only been around a short time.
Personally I think New Wife has major boundary issues and she may not be around long anyway.
Parents have absolute say over with whom their children associate with. This SIL may have had abuse situations in her background and overnights raise a red flag, especially when someone is constantly pushing for them. Maybe there are issues with the home, pets, second-hand smoke, or whatever.
Not something I would even consider for such young children with someone I did not know very well. I have no clue what an overnight is supposed to accomplish with such small children. Maybe babysitting in the children's own home for a short time would be acceptable if parents AND children feel comfortable.
She should be glad! She can go visit, bring presents, get them all jacked up on sugar and leave! Providing free babysitting is not something one should aspire to do. I am betting she has better things to do with her time!
Wow a voice of reason in this otherwise "My way or the highway" thread. While I do agree the OP's wife is being pushy, where is all this isolationism coming from? I am sorry for many of these children that they do not get the life experiences because their parents have to hoard them this way.
My husband and I visit our grandchildren in Florida and their parents are more than willing, in fact eager lol, to have us take them for a whole day on our own. They take the opportunity to go out together at night too while we are there. We have such a special relationship with our grandchildren that tends to develop more the more time we spend with them. And yes, it IS important to take them ourselves and not together with the parents. It is a different experience.
That's a little dramatic. Not allowing kids to go with certain people doesn't mean they are isolated. Mine have spent a lot of time with their grand parents, even traveling out of state. That doesn't mean I have to send them with every pushy family member that asks.
Wow a voice of reason in this otherwise "My way or the highway" thread. While I do agree the OP's wife is being pushy, where is all this isolationism coming from? I am sorry for many of these children that they do not get the life experiences because their parents have to hoard them this way.
[snip]
Exactly. I have noticed this faucet in our society in many regards not limited to this one incident. I recall growing up how we'd all "drop in" on people when we were "in the neighborhood" and it was totally OK, in fact when I visited my old stopping grounds 3 years ago it was still that way. No one took it as "intrusive" or "invasive" or "selfish," there was such a "community" aspect that way. It was wonderful. If you stopped in and they were eating, you weren't greeted with a cold stare and a harsh menacing tone of "we were JUST in the middle of DINNER!!!" instead it was "hey, we were just about to eat, hey, come on in, we've got plenty, don't you dare just run off, pull up a chair and stay awhile." Family was certainly that way, but even people you merely knew vaguely in (say) church was that way, almost universally.
In most places it's NOTHING like that anymore, and it stinks frankly. To me, what you're talking about is an extension of this. It's almost like we're living in our own little igloos or "cliches" or something and if you're not a "member" or "don't belong" then don't you dare "presume" on me. You have to practically make an appointment with someone before stopping by, and in many cases even a phone call is regarded as "intrusive." In my day you wouldn't DARE ignore the phone ringing, you ALWAYS answered it and to not do so was considered rude. In fact, in old TV shows the way they depict things in that day, if someone had just showed up and wasn't asked in within a short while they'd always say "well are we going to stand out here all day or can we talk inside where it's warm?" etc. It really was that way in those days.
"Times change," yes they do, but not all changes are good ones. This is one. "Hospitality" has become "boundaries."
Again, as far as what this has to do with the topic, I think the two somewhat go together. That's exactly what the cause was in my case as I mentioned, the woman didn't want the personal inconvenience of having someone else over or having to go pick up her daughter at our house (the trust issue was present as well) and she wanted to just be in her own "world" with no "outsiders intruding" all of the time. No one is arguing that the parents have the final say, the issue is the "isolation" aspect and how that can be selfish and then also not being straight as to what the objection is (in my case, at least that much was resolved).
Wow a voice of reason in this otherwise "My way or the highway" thread. While I do agree the OP's wife is being pushy, where is all this isolationism coming from? I am sorry for many of these children that they do not get the life experiences because their parents have to hoard them this way.
My husband and I visit our grandchildren in Florida and their parents are more than willing, in fact eager lol, to have us take them for a whole day on our own. They take the opportunity to go out together at night too while we are there. We have such a special relationship with our grandchildren that tends to develop more the more time we spend with them. And yes, it IS important to take them ourselves and not together with the parents. It is a different experience.
Apples and oranges, I would say. You are the children's grandparents in your case. In the OP's pseudo personal story, this is the children's uncle's new wife. There is also nothing in the OP that suggests an "isolationism" mindset.
For all we know, these children spend a lot of time with other adults that are not their parents. We simply don't know. If the OP was about these children who the parents never let out of their sights ever and don't let any adults talk to them etc , perhaps the majority of responses may be different than what they are here. Instead, we have an OP that is posed as an indictment of the mother as this selfish person who is not letting an aunt have access to her children that she should have all the access in this world to. Something is wrong wth that picture.
All I see in the OP and in some responses alluding to the mother being selfish or isolationist is that somehow a parents must allow access to his/her children to all related adults and almost doesn't have the right to refuse any access otherwise, it would be deemed selfish. That is what i don't get.
Exactly. I have noticed this faucet in our society in many regards not limited to this one incident. I recall growing up how we'd all "drop in" on people when we were "in the neighborhood" and it was totally OK, in fact when I visited my old stopping grounds 3 years ago it was still that way. No one took it as "intrusive" or "invasive" or "selfish,"
We had obnoxious neighbors who did this too, though we were too polite to say so.
In most places it's NOTHING like that anymore, and it stinks frankly. To me, what you're talking about is an extension of this. It's almost like we're living in our own little igloos or "cliches" or something and if you're not a "member" or "don't belong" then don't you dare "presume" on me. You have to practically make an appointment with someone before stopping by, and in many cases even a phone call is regarded as "intrusive." In my day you wouldn't DARE ignore the phone ringing, you ALWAYS answered it and to not do so was considered rude. In fact, in old TV shows the way they depict things in that day, if someone had just showed up and wasn't asked in within a short while they'd always say "well are we going to stand out here all day or can we talk inside where it's warm?" etc. It really was that way in those days.
Hmmm. Pretty sure I'm older than you. If people called at inopportune times (dinner, bedtime, in the middle of a serious conversation) we certainly ignored it. Polite people avoided calling during dinner hour, past 9 pm or before 8/9 am. And we certainly didn't show up on an unsuspecting friend or neighbors doorstep during those times either.
Hmmm. Pretty sure I'm older than you. If people called at inopportune times (dinner, bedtime, in the middle of a serious conversation) we certainly ignored it. Polite people avoided calling during dinner hour, past 9 pm or before 8/9 am. And we certainly didn't show up on an unsuspecting friend or neighbors doorstep during those times either.
Oh my, did society change the rules and it is now acceptable to make phone calls after 9 PM ???
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