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I am new to this forum and desperately seeking opinions, thoughts, ideas or just support and encouragement. Sorry this is long but being an initial post of a serious problem I am facing I felt the need to give some background first. I thank you in advance for taking time to read through it.
Background:
I am divorced, single mother of 19 yr. old son and 15 yr. old daughter. Father lives 4 hours away with new wife in 1 bedroom apartment. 19 yr. old son recently moved out in very irresponsible fashion.
Situation:
Up until November, everything was pretty much going well. My 19 year old had never left home, running away or otherwise, and was actually included and planning to move with me in July when I marry and relocate. He's always appeared happy about living at home and related such to others. Sure there were minor disagreements, but in the end all usually turned out well. He was attending school (Senior year) full time and working part-time at a career based job (employed for 11 months there). Thanksgiving '07, he was excited about graduation and together with his grandmother and myself was discussing with excitement all factors of it, i.e. graduation, prom, senior pictures, ring, etc.
Upon returning back home from our holiday away on 11-27-07 he began dating a 17 year old girl. At first all was okay until certain issues began to arise mainly due to the girls lifestyle choices. On or about 12-9-07, due to receiving unfair treatment with regard to pay at work, my mother and I agreed and supported his decision that it was time to switch jobs. We suggested resigning with 2 weeks notice and then after the New Year, finding new employment as to have the holidays available for family. Employer accepted resignation but did not need 2 weeks notice. This afforded him too much free time to spend with the girlfriend.
Christmas eve, again away with family for holidays, my son decides to drop a bomb on me that he has proposed to this girl and she accepted. Mind you he is now unemployed, purchased her ring with funds I provided him to use for christmas gifts he had to purchase for family and select friends. He used mininum on those gifts to have enough to buy the ring. At his announcement of the engagement, I made my objections perfectly clear stating that it was pre-mature considering short dating period and lack of preparation to make such a life changing move. 12-28-07 we returned home from holidays and thus began serious problems.
My son wanted gf to stay a week at our home, in his bedroom. I said "No". He then tried for a weekend. I again said "No" and stated I have a home, I do not run a hotel. He then said he'd stay at her house, I again said "No" as this has never been an allowed activity. 1-8-08, he totalled his car and was no with no job and no car, as well as approximately 4 pending traffic citation. 1-10-08, he told me he was going out in the afternoon and would be back later. His curfew had been 2am and thus I went to sleep only to find at 6am when I woke up that he was not in his bed. I began calling him, all calls went directly to voicemail. I called all area hospitals as well as neighboring area hospitals and police station. Approx. 9am my 15 year old daughter became aware at school by a mutual friend that he had moved out. (thus the irresponsible moving out as it was secretly by just not returning home).
Since then he has picked up some of his belongings and has basically been living couch hoping at friends homes. He remains unemployed, tried to drop out of school 3 credits short of graduating (was convinced to remain in a performance based program) and has even had some legal trouble. In a meeting between the gf's parents, my mother, myself and both my son and his gf, we were told by gf's father that the girl has a history of problems, being in trouble, compulsive liar and breaking the law. Gf's father stated with no doubts that his daughter is the mastermind behind all the trouble my son is having and asked her point blank, if she loved my son why was she trying to ruin his life. In addition, the gf has dropped out of school and all her parents (mother, father and step-mother) feel that she is controlling and manipulating my son and that she has gotten him to a point where he does not have a thought of his own. (which scares the heck out of me and I would have to agree with her parents on this as it is clear this is the case).
Now...
Finding walls are closing in and options are being limited, my son is considering asking if he can move back home. It is my sincere belief that his considering returning home is more of a last resort than a primary desire. More of a I rather live anywhere else than go back home (in my opinion because of restrictions with regard to gf which have seemed to be only problem).
He's my son though and I don't want to see him on the street. However, I feel IF I were to allow him back home it would be under strict ground rules because of the unwise choices he's making, legal problems he's gotten into and lack of respect and maturity he has been demonstrating since being with this girl.
I am trying to be prepared for this, should it arise. Any ideas on appropriate ground rules under the circumstances. I have some basics...
1. Remain in school and graduate
2. Gain employment and contribute to home and pay back debts
3. Show respect
4. Lying is not tolerated, nor is drug or alcohol use
5. No guests in the home without prior approval from me, especially if I am not home.
6. Curfews will be kept. (at the time setting it 10pm school nights, midnight non-school nights with opportunity for review as respect is shown and trust is rebuilt).
Any thoughts, opinions, ideas, additions any of you can offer. No advice or suggestions given will be overlooked and all will be appreciated.
You could have just torn a page out of my history book! Thankfully my children are now 26 and 28, and have turned out to be fantastic adults. But there was a few years that were pretty scary for me.
First of all, you seem to have taken the exactly right track. You've set reasonable expectations for him, and set reasonable rules of conduct for everyone living in your home. You do have a daughter to consider too, so not allowing the gf to spend the night in your son's room is very reasonable.
My daughter was very much like your son's gf when she was that age. I don't know how any of us managed to survive her antics from the time she was 15 until she was about 21. Thanks to a series of lucky events, she finally realized SHE was the problem, not everyone else. She found a fantastic women's health doctor who diagnosed her with anxiety disorders and several other mental health issues. This wonderful doctor put my daughter on the right dose of medications, counseled her on the importance of proper nutrition, counseled her on personal responsibility, and got her out of kilter hormones in balance.
This messed up teen is now a truly wonderful mother of three. She is fun, smart, witty, empathetic to others, thoughtful, responsible and mature. A walking miracle!
As the mother of a former manipulative teen girl, I will tell you that your son's gf likely has convinced him that she is a victim and only he can save her...from her "mean" parents etc.and that no one understands her except for him. Being sexually active only helps to cloud his vision of her. He may truly believe that she needs him and that gives him a sense of pride and purpose. She's introduced him to many new feelings and experiences that he finds exciting, thrilling and more "grown-up".
This may all combine to convince him he is in love. And love conquers all, right? After all, that's what happens in the movies!!
What will happen is she will get pregnant. That is almost assured. Goes hand in hand with her behaviors and problems. He may not think this would be a bad thing, that a baby would keep them together. No one could keep them apart if they were having a child, right? So romantic.... (they believe!)
Mari, you be clear and firm on your rules and expectations. DO NOT waiver. Talk frankly and empathetically with him about his feelings for this girl. Try to get him to open up a little about what is driving these emotions. Let him know you love him unconditionally and are very proud of the man he is becoming. Also let him know that you will be disappointed and scared by decisions he makes that causes him to suffer in anyway.
With clear understanding of the rules and expectations, allow him to move back home for a set amount of time only. After all, he is 19. He is old enough to be independent. You can not be his financial safety net. If you go down that path, he will never have the incentive to take make responsible decisions. Don't make your efforts to help him greater than his efforts to help himself.
The minute he stops holding up his end of the agreement, he has to move out. No second, third chances. But never with anger from you. Stop treating him as your little child. Stop being the mother who is the master of his universe. Concede to him that he is adult, that HE is the master of his universe. You will keep your agreements, and like an adult, he will keep his.
I helped set my son up in a small apartment the summer he graduated from high school. We worked together on a budget. I had purchased a car for him already, so he had transportation. He found a job. He understood that if he ran out of money due to poor choices, then he was up the proverbial creek. If he had a money issue due to something beyond his control, mom would float a loan only. No free money.
After working for $10/hour, he quickly decided it was going to be a long boring life with no money. He enrolled in a prestigious culinary school, found the financing for his education, and now has a career that he is absolutely passionate about.
Apologies for the length of this message. It's just that now my kids are mature enough to tell me that back when they were teens and faced with deciding to do the right thing or go down a wrong path....they would remember what mom had taught them. They had something concrete to pull from, to base decisions on. This is what ultimately helped my daughter save herself. This is what has helped my son to have strength and determination, and courage to make his way in the world.
My heart goes out to you for your struggle. I am not authority on raising children, I have an 11 year old daughter and have raised her on my own. I don't relish the years coming up because I fear running into some of the same problems you are.
I do remember being his age and I should imagine the harder you try to seperate him from this girl he is sure he is in love with, the more he will cling to her, at least thats how I was.
My heart goes out to you for your struggle. I am not authority on raising children, I have an 11 year old daughter and have raised her on my own. I don't relish the years coming up because I fear running into some of the same problems you are.
I do remember being his age and I should imagine the harder you try to seperate him from this girl he is sure he is in love with, the more he will cling to her, at least thats how I was.
Probably true, but that doesn't mean you have to allow her to poison your home if you don't want her to. I think your rules are reasonable and fair considering what has already happened. Good luck!
OMG thank you HappyNCGirl. Your posted reply was comforting and helped to know what I am going through is understood.
I think you have hit it dead on. It has been my feeling that this girl is playing the victim role of "poor little me" and my son has taken the role of "knight in shinning armor". I do believe he feels, probably by her lead, that he is the only one that understands her. You should see how he stands to defend her at any accusation against her for her actions. In fact, during the meeting we all had, he did just that when her father stated how she has stolen family cars on at least 6 occassions, compulsively lies about anything and everything and has runaway from home several times. When the father said that he believed fully in his heart that she was the mastermind behind the recent legal problem my son rose to her defense. At that point I told my son that first I was proud of the man that he was being, standing in defense of his girl, but that he also needed to be wise and make sure that what he was defending was firstly truth and secondly deserving of that defense. I asked him not to be blind to the truth.
This girl has lied to him about everything possibly imaginable down to even her nationality, where she was born, where she was raised, details of her adoption, and where she has family. The relationship has been one of ups and downs with frequent break-ups, where she even at one time spent a weekend with an ex-boyfriend stating to my son she was torn between feelings for him and for her ex. The list of things goes on and on. This is not even counting some of the lifestyle issues that have been openly and blatantly practiced even in such a manner as it would be directly in my face by her.
Despite all this, he stays with her. My son has always had a low self-esteem. We've tried to deal with some of it through counseling but he bottles things inside, doesn't open up easily and finds it difficult to talk about his problems or emotions, especially with strangers. He has been raised in a Christian home and in church and I know that his actions are not helping his self-esteem or self-worth because deep in himself (and he has even admitted) he knows his actions are wrong and not pleasing to God or to his family.
The girls mother stated and I quote "my daughter is controlling and controls him to the point that if she says jump he says how high, he doesn't have a thought of his own anymore and only seeks to please her and do what she wants". In a lot of ways this is what scares me the most for him and also about him returning home. It is difficult to trust and allow him back in the home when I know this girl holds such power and control over him. I feel as I am dealing with her right now more than I am with him and I have no control over her.
I have been trying to deal with her more directly by placing the ball more on her court. Stating that when someone loves you as much as my son believes to love her, it is a huge responsibility. During a weekend away recently they both broke into my home and spent the weekend in my home. I asked her if she knew they weren't supposed to be there and she said "yes". I then stated, while I hold him firstly responsible for that action, you are not free and clear. If you love him and he is going to do something wrong your job is to say "hey, you (or we) should not be doing this lets go".
I don't understand why this girl is not in some sort of counseling, she is 17 and still a minor under the control of her parents. If they know she has all these problems why is she not receiving counseling. I don't get it. Also her parents are divorced and the father is stricter, seems more realistic and in tune with his daughters issues but the girl refuses to live with her father and step-mother, but rather lives with the mother. After this most recent problem where they broke into my home and then disappeared being found in another city together after 3 days, she is back home and has no consequences from the mother. She is going out and it is life as usual. Mother was even going to agree for her to travel to another city this coming weekend while my son went to visit his father and family. The girl would not have been staying with my sons father but rather with another 19 year old friend of my son, whom the mother does not know, but yet saw nothing wrong with this and considered my family archaic for believing that something was wrong with that picture.
I was even told by the mother that if we give them rules and make it difficult that they may just run off again. I told the mother that I do not make my rules or hold my standards on a foundation of fear of what they may do. They will do what they want to do regardless. In fact I pointed out how no matter the flexibility that they had previously and how well off they had things, they still choose to do this. Pointing out my son's only complaint was his gf could not sleep over. The proverbial you give a finger they take the hand, you give the hand they take the arm, you give the arm they take the body and so forth.
Just this past May for mother's day my son had given me a card where in his own writing he wrote, "thank you for 18 years of standing by my side and helping me make the right decision, I only hope for 18 more years of you by my side to help me continue to make the right decisions". I asked my son if this was no longer the case, if he no longer wanted my advice or direction in life and he remained silent. I know my son is still in there. He has this totally and completely lost look in his eyes. When asked what he is thinking, he responds saying "I don't know what I am thinking anymore". Just the other day he said he was a total **** up. I told him no you are not, the choices you are making are messed up but you are not a **** up. He said, yeah well at least I am doing a good job at messing up.
My heart is breaking. I want to reach him. I want MY son back. But I also know that as long as this girl is in the picture. As long as she is calling the shots. And as long as he can't see past her, it will be a very difficult journey. I only hold on to my faith and trust in God that we are all in his hands and that he can bring it about. But my heart hurts as it has never hurt before and I worry sick over him.
I am glad that all has turned out well for your kids and it does provide such hope and inspiration. Thank you for sharing with me. It was not long at all. My posts are not being that short themselves. This is a very difficult and emotional time and all I have shared probably does not even begin to touch the surface. Again, thank you so very much.
Mari,
this is a horrible situation for a mother. i agree with all of your rules. I think that you are making things perfectly clear to your son and above all, stress how much you love him. However, along with this, he needs to understand that you mean the rules and what the consequences will be if he breaks the rules. Since he is 19, that makes things much more difficult legally, and he needs to understand that as well. He will need to change and live by your rules or suffer the ramifications of his actions. good luck with this difficult decision.
My heart goes out to you for your struggle. I am not authority on raising children, I have an 11 year old daughter and have raised her on my own. I don't relish the years coming up because I fear running into some of the same problems you are.
I do remember being his age and I should imagine the harder you try to seperate him from this girl he is sure he is in love with, the more he will cling to her, at least thats how I was.
Lindsey,
I have seen that already. It does seem that the more we try to show him why he shouldn't be with her the more he is determined to be with her. It becomes almost a battle of wits to prove others wrong. In fact, I even had to tell him that. I said, "you may at some point feel you have changed your mind and this girl is not for you, please just trust yourself with that and don't try to prove anything, you will not hear I told you so's and your choosing to end the relationship is still the choice you made, much like staying in it is a choice you make as well."
..............teens and young adults will always find a loop hole!("it didnt happen, it's so and sos fault", and on and on) Tell him, "YOU know my values, my rules and my morals, i've repeated them sooo much, even I am sick of listening to myself"..........."Cross my line"..........."Outta here! Period!" I deal with them everyday, give em an inch they'll take a mile. I know, i know single mom, stressed, full time job etc etc...........been there, done that............these kids/adults dont disappear the second their parents give up/relent............these "darlings" of the future are hoisted on the rest of society and frankly I'm sick of babysitting other peoples kiddos........
.........am i being too subtle? the adults of the future have learned to be master manipulators and the only way to combat it is to outsmart em!
Probably true, but that doesn't mean you have to allow her to poison your home if you don't want her to. I think your rules are reasonable and fair considering what has already happened. Good luck!
OH, I didn't mean to let her poison your house, I think the rules are awesome but I think you have to be careful how you approach the situation with this girlfriend. With some kids, the more you fight what they want, they more they want it. They get that "Its us against the world mentality".
I personally would not give him any money, no matter what. If he is hungry feed him, if he needs clothing for a job, buy him what is reasonable but any money you give him is likely to go to her. I would also demand he have a job, one that will take up ALOT of his time and I would follow up and demand proof that he is working the number of hours he is supposed to.
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Been there....it will get better!
