Parents and estate planning, new will. (accident, playing, children, school)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by silibran

How we did it, was to divide our estate (upon our death) between our three children, reserving a portion for the education of our grands. The amount for the grands is conditioned on how much we will have saved for their college educations, which is in a separate fund.

What I suspect is that your brother is influencing his parents. You should have made your objections known when asked. I know it is hard to think about your parents' deaths, but apparently your brother has been thinking about it. He probably views this as looking out for his kids' interests, especially since he has more kids than you.

Before allowing yourself to be bitter at your parents, why not ask where this is coming from.
We've never changed the substance of our estate planning since we had the first one drawn up a number of years ago. Doing this requires lots of thought.

If your parents are changing their minds now, I have to feel that someone has been trying to get them to change their minds. But, you are within your rights to ask how they came up with this distribution. You are within your rights to object. But that doesn't mean they will change their decision.

And, I imagine that if indeed your brother has been meddling in this, it will be hard for you to be loving toward him. But, you need to strive to rise above this stuff. It will be very hard. I do sympathize.

At least your parents are keeping you advised of everything.

I agree with silibran. My husband and I decided that we would divide our estate equally between any, and all future children, and wrote our one and only will even before we had children. It is now 40 years later and our will is still valid.

I have discussed wills with various friends and relatives and, to my knowledge, none of my friends or relatives changed the way that they were dividing their estates at a later date. (maybe other people have done that, but none of the four or five couples that I have discussed this with have done that).

One of our children currently has two children and the second is not even married. Frankly, I can't imagine changing the way that we are dividing our assets at any time in the future.

[Kgryfon]

You feel penalized because of the number of children you have, and I totally understand. My parents divided their estate equally between us 6 kids. Two of us have no children, two have four, and two have two children.


We were all free to give as much (or little) of our share to our own children as we wanted. Nothing was given directly to the grandchildren and I think that was the best way to do it to avoid just what you are experiencing...inadvertent favoritism, which is what is amounts to.


Since they asked, I would tell them how you feel. Then I would tell them that I love them anyway and it's their choice.


I would never spend the next 15 years building resentment against my parents.


You are not being greedy or selfish.

[forum_browser]

I really don't get the objection. The grandparents/parents want each individual person to receive an equal share. They are not awarding prizes to nuclear families.

[shamrock4]

Originally Posted by Kgryfon

You feel penalized because of the number of children you have, and I totally understand. My parents divided their estate equally between us 6 kids. Two of us have no children, two have four, and two have two children.


We were all free to give as much (or little) of our share to our own children as we wanted. Nothing was given directly to the grandchildren and I think that was the best way to do it to avoid just what you are experiencing...inadvertent favoritism, which is what is amounts to.


Since they asked, I would tell them how you feel. Then I would tell them that I love them anyway and it's their choice.


I would never spend the next 15 years building resentment against my parents.


You are not being greedy or selfish.

I agree with this approach. Since they did ask you have the right to be honest.

DH and I will bequeath assets to our children and our children alone. Grandchildren will not be involved in the will although we might gift money for education while living.

In fact, a trust is set up so if one of our children inherits and does not have children when he/she passes away in the future, the money in the trust will revert to the other siblings. We want the money to go to our children, not an in-law who would probably remarry. Our lawyer indicated this is becoming quite common.

I think involving grandchildren in wills beyond some cherished personal items is a mistake. Their parents (our children) can pass on the money as they see fit. You can really screw up financial aide for college and perhaps special needs by giving an outright inheritance.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by forum_browser

I really don't get the objection. The grandparents/parents want each individual person to receive an equal share. They are not awarding prizes to nuclear families.

Well, when you are a grandparent and writing your will, your daughter Mary is childless and your son has eight children feel free to give your beloved daughter 1/10 of your estate, and your son & his brood, 9/10 of your estate. Others may decide to do it differently.

[ss20ts]

Your parents have asked your opinion. Why not give it to them? I don't mean like have at it and give it to them. I mean discuss it with them. You want to live like this for 15+ years? Sounds like hell!

[jghorton]

Not only have they asked for your opinion, they have asked 3-times in the past week! -- They are clearly concerned that their action might create the feelings you have -- and want to avoid that -- before making the change. For you to respond one way and actually feel another is dishonest and unfair to them and you.

Tell them how you feel in a loving way and that splitting the inheritance between two families, six ways will leave yours with only one-third. Assure them that you feel like it is their money to do with as they wish, but, that, in all honesty, you feel somewhat disappointed and slightly devalued. You MUST do this! - Otherwise, you will feel an unspoken resentment which will only grow into real bitterness over the next 15+ years.

Another thought; It should be up to the parents to provide for and determine what is best for their children out of their own estate and inheritance. The parents will have a better idea if their adult-children are prepared to handle what could easily be a million-dollar inheritance each in 15-years. It could likewise change the grandkids approach to life knowing that they have a $1M inheritance on the way in 15-years. Finally, it could be very difficult for the grandparents to change their will later (and tell the grandchildren) -- if things change over the next several years.

[Caltovegas]

I say divide between the children and let the children take care of the grand kids. Now here's something to think about. DIVORCE. Exspouse May get money divorcing one of the parents kids. Rule from the grave with a trust.

Another idea is to consider a life policy on the parents which would allow them to spend money now and just do a 3 way tax free payout to the 3 kids.

[artillery77]

They've asked for an opinion. I'd let them know that, first and foremost, as custodian, you will respect their decisions and honor their wishes to your fullest capacity.

I would then explain your grievance with the setup regarding wealth. The net effect of the decision is to award 4x to my brother's family and 2x to my family. Ask them to help you understand why they feel that is the approach they feel is best. See if this is their wishes, or if they've been influenced by your brother or recent disappointment with the electoral collage.

Beyond the wealth factor, the personal household artifacts I'd ask to be split simply between you and your brother only. Family heirlooms should be passed by natural generation, unless there's something they specifically want to give. (i.e. a piano to the one person who plays, or a birth certificate of an ancestor someone was named after etc.) Having grandkids grab directly is a great way to lose the history of an item, especially if something is both meaningful and of value. When my grandparents passed, the last thing I wanted was antiques in MY house with children running around. I'd much rather my parents hold on to them.

Finally there's the house. Generally it's an estate's biggest asset. If everyone get's 1/6, it's likely a guarantee that the family loses the property. Estate sales rarely get top dollar for a home, adding insult to injury. There's something connective about a home. If that's of importance to you and your brother, it may appease your parents if you both wanted to come together and give an opinion that includes keeping that in the family.

[lae60]

My parents left a token amount to each grandkid--$5000 after giving them each $10,000 in cash within a year before the later parent passed, and a stack of bonds they had bought about 20 years earlier in each of their names....and instructions to wait until the bonds were 30 years old to cash, unless used for medical needs or education. But they will do what they want with the bonds....no one is keeping track and they are in their names, all are of age.

There were a few special requests for certain people.

They then split everything else between their kids (or in the case of one brother who passed his share goes to his kids) with written instructions that they expect their kids to pass on something to the grandkids, giving examples such as down payment for a house, etc.

I am pretty sure that there is no 'normal' in wills, its what works for the givers.

But since they asked, I would suggest your tell your parents that you do not think that it is fair and you would prefer that they split everything evenly between you and your brother and let each of you take car of your kids.

Or if your parents are concerned that the grandkids will not be taken care of give them suggestions like you and your brother each get 1/2 of the estate but that you are to only keep 1/2 of your 1/2 (or 1/4 of the estate) for yourselves and the other 1/4 you are to pass on to your son and your brother would split his other 1/4 between each of his 3 kids.

Or give each grandkid $50,000--which is lot to start a young adult off with, and then you and your brother split the rest 50-50. This way your brother's side gets more than you, but not nearly as much as he now is getting.